


Turning of the Tide

by Serendipity_Limited_Edition



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: And a bit of Adrian whump, Angst, Barebacking, I Swear it's Not as Dark as it Sounds, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Now with a side-dish of violence, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-05 02:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 68,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serendipity_Limited_Edition/pseuds/Serendipity_Limited_Edition
Summary: After the breakup in 1x07, Adrian leaves town. Deran doesn't take the separation well and comes after him. Cue angst, misunderstandings and the slow burn of those two idiots getting their shit together.





	1. I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine, not making any money with it.
> 
> I really just wanted a story with Adrian having a sound social net he could fall back onto after everything he's been through and for Deran to realize that what he had pulled was on the 'a bit not good' side of everything. So yeah. There you go. Hope you enjoy.

Adrian stared after Deran, unable to process the events of the last few minutes. This was too big, too much to contemplate. After a few seconds he turned to the door, breath hitching, a harbinger of what was to come. What the hell had just happened? What had he been thinking? Not much or anything at all by the looks of it.

Once inside he leaned against the closed door, blindly fumbling to lock it, all the way trying to catch his breath. He scrubbed the tear tracks from his face, memory zeroing in on the fact that Deran had done the same just a minute ago.

When Adrian had left the party, he had known that Deran would retaliate. He could claim not to give a shit all he wanted, but his actions spoke louder than words. Screamed them, really. But Adrian had not expected for Deran to turn up at his door and pull him into a kiss that still tingled on his lips. Nor did he expect for Deran to plead for everything being alright between the two of them. Not at a time when it clearly wasn’t. And Adrian couldn’t pretend anymore. The last few months had taken their toll on him. From realizing what Deran was capable of just to keep him around to the fact that Deran didn’t care about what happened to anyone getting between them. That Deran had sent Pope after Dave had been a shock, enough to pull the rug beneath Adrian’s feet and make him realize just how deep he had stumbled into a vicious cycle he had almost no hope to escape from. That Dave had landed in the hospital again because of an infection, an aftereffect of that fateful night, had made Adrian fear for his friend’s life. And Deran? When Adrian had told him about it, he had only been interested if Adrian and Dave still got together, which Adrian had been quick to deny. He didn’t want to test how far Deran was willing to go to get rid of Dave. 

But this night Adrian had reached his breaking point at last. While Deran’s change in behavior between the party and him turning up at Adrian’s door had given Adrian serious whiplash, it had also given him the strength to finally drop the carcass of a relationship they had been willing to drag around since Belize.

Finally he switched on the light and ventured further into the shop. The need to move burned beneath his skin and sent it crawling.  
For a moment he couldn’t even remember why he had come here in the first place, mind wiped blank from the events of the past three minutes. Three minutes he had had to be braver than ever before. He floundered for a second, then it came to him again. After he had left the party he had taken one of the boards he was working on out to a test spin, discovering a few quirks he wanted to get rid of. Then he had sat at the beach, watching the surf until darkness fell, his mind churning with questions of what to do about Deran.

Adrian got back to the car, grabbed the board and put it back in its place, ready for the next day. But he wouldn’t be here to work on it. He couldn’t stay, not after what had just happened between Deran and him. He probably could count himself lucky if neither his shop nor his apartment mysteriously burned down within the next few days.

He really wasn’t keen on finding out what Deran had planned. Not after tonight.

“Shit,” he whispered to the dust motes flitting through the lamp light. His voice sounded scratchy as if he had screamed for hours. He forced back the sob building inside, relief battling with despair, leaving him with hitching breath and burning eyes. His body vibrated with the imminent need to break down. He couldn’t let that happen. Not now. Not here. But he knew where he had to go, a destination he wanted, no, needed to seek out. And so he did what he should have done months ago.

He strode to Ed’s work station and grabbed pen and paper to leave his partner a short note. Then Adrian got back into his car and drove the few blocks to his apartment. When he walked up to the door he couldn’t help but glance warily around, half expecting Deran to show up with a crowbar in hand, ready to break into his apartment again. To his relief he remained the only person around. 

With jerky movements he unlocked the door, his hands shaking. Inside he hit the light switch, still expecting an unpleasant surprise waiting for him, but the flat was as empty as the street outside.

Without a second thought he strode into the bedroom and searched for the bag he knew he had last seen somewhere around here. Some searching later he finally found it hidden beneath his bed and began to haphazardly throw clothes inside. Just enough to tide him over for a week or two. Then he would have to decide if he would use a washing machine or if he was ready to come back to Oceanside and face Deran. At this very moment he couldn’t even imagine living in the same city as him, let alone see him again face to face.  
After zipping the bag shut and shouldering it, he turned the lights off again and walked half-blind through his apartment to the door. At last he made his way to his car, where he threw first the bag and then himself inside. Taking a deep breath, trying to tamp down the shaking, he started the car and began to drive. 

The streets of Long Beach and Los Angeles were almost empty as he passed through, ensuring him a good head start for the rest of the night. Then he mostly stayed on the Interstate 5 N, heading towards Bakersfield. Switching on the radio, he listened to mindless chatter and music without being able to tell what he had heard afterward. He was too busy trying to keep his mind carefully blank, trying to keep from breaking down any moment. For the most part of his journey he succeeded, eyes on the road, concentrating to see the horizon in the darkness. But after nearing Bakersfield, somewhere halfway to his final destination, the shaking became too much to drive on. He had to stop the car. After coming to a halt, he had just enough time to push the door open and stumble out of the car before he was sick all over the side of the road. When he got down to dry heaves, he carefully straightened up again, thankful for the rest stop he could see a short distance away. Back in the car it took him about two minutes to reach that rest stop, where he used the toilets to freshen up. Now that his stomach was empty, it started growling as if it had decided to be hungry. But Adrian bought only a few bottles of water and a large cup of coffee. The thought of actually eating something was almost enough to send him back to the toilets.

Back at the car he deposited the bottles shotgun and finally took his cell out. There were no messages from Deran, Adrian noticed with a curious mix of relief and dread. While taking big gulps of coffee, he sent a text to his destination, announcing his arrival in the early morning hours. Only a few seconds later his cell chimed as it received the answer. “Steve’s here, too. We’ll be waiting.”

Adrian contemplated to sent a text back, reminding them not to wait the whole night, considering he was still a few hours away, but in the end he just got into his car again and drove on. Whatever reason kept his friends up this late, it couldn’t be just chalked up to his surprise visit. They had their own demons to battle, which most prominently came out to play in the darkest hours of the night.

Adrian gripped the steering wheel hard enough that his knuckles turned white, but it didn’t stop the shaking. He could still feel fine tremors running through his body, his breath hitching again. Fighting down the emotions threatening to overwhelm him, he blinked a few stray tears away. If he had to stop the car again, he wouldn’t be able to avoid the breakdown any longer and then he wouldn’t get on the road until the next day. Letting go of his bottled up emotions right now was not an option regardless of how much it felt like a losing fight.

So he stayed on the road for hours, passing Bakersfield and driving further inland towards the only sanctuary he could think of, while the road to Kings Canyon National Park stretched ahead of him, devoid of any life.

It’s the weird time just this side of dawn, when the night is darkest and the nightmares seem most real, when Adrian finally reached his destination, body now shaking more with exhaustion than the need to break down. He carefully steered the car along the slopes that wound uphill until he reached the house that was nestled on one of the cliffs, always reminding him a little of an eagle’s nest and aptly named that way.

When Adrian pulled to a stop in front of the sprawling one-story building, he noticed the lights on inside. They really were waiting for him. If they had actually waited the whole night or just gotten up in time to greet him, didn’t matter at all. 

Now that he was finally here, Adrian felt his control starting to slip. Or his grip on consciousness, he wasn’t really sure. He stumbled out of the car, nearly face planting on the driveway. When he was already halfway to the house, the front door opened and Ryan stepped out, leaning his tall body against the door frame, muscular arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked at Adrian with the same familiar mix of love, worry and curiosity that Adrian gathered the last of his strength to walk up to him. If he could, he would’ve run, but his body had finally reached its limit.

Ryan took a couple of steps forward and pulled Adrian into a fierce hug as soon as he got within reaching distance. While Ryan held him together, Adrian could feel himself shaking apart in his arms, only half listening to the soothing words Ryan whispered into his ear.

Adrian leaned forward, resting his entire weight against the other man, too tired to explain, too tired to cry and definitely too tired to stand. The breakdown would have to wait until later. Now he just sank into Ryan’s warmth. For the first time in months, he actually felt safe. It’s enough for his body to decide that it was done for the day. Adrian dimly heard Ryan calling his name as he let exhaustion pull him under. He welcomed the darkness with open arms, thinking that he should’ve come here a lot sooner.

Home.

~AD~

Deran returned to the party with every intention of drinking himself stupid. Or into a coma. It didn’t really matter which as long as it helped him to forget this evening. That was the only coherent thought he was able to grasp. 

Back at Smurf’s he grabbed a beer and set out to avoid Craig’s far too knowing gaze. He knew he fucked up. It had been too little too late and now he had lost Adrian. The thought made him feel like throwing up but when he made it to the bathroom nothing came up and he’s left with dry heaving in front of the toilet for several minutes.

He felt as if his body threatened to tear itself in two. Part of him wanted to leave the party and hide out in his place until no one else would notice the tear tracks he had viciously wiped away. The other part wanted to go back to Adrian’s to try one more time to make him see reason. But as desperate as Deran felt, he also knew that he would be doing more damage than good if he went back to Adrian now. Let him get a good night’s sleep and try again tomorrow, he told himself. It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was something. 

He really hoped that they could resolve their issues the next day. At least enough to talk again like old times. Deran didn’t like the crushing weight that had settled on his chest and that made it hard to breathe. Of all the things he wanted to tell Adrian, this certainly wasn’t among them, that he needed him like he needed air, that he couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had tried to tell him the gist of it this night and where had it left him? With Adrian declaring that everything he had done these past few months had been out of some misplaced survival instinct, because he was afraid Deran would sic his brothers on him if he didn’t comply with Deran’s wishes. As if Deran would have been capable of hurting him like that. 

But he had been, hadn’t he? And he hadn’t needed his brothers for that, just had roped his nephew in. He still remembered Adrian on his knees in front of him and the look of surprise and hurt that had flashed across his face just as Deran’s foot had connected for the first time.

After his outburst at the public restrooms and with him sending Pope after Dave, Deran could see why Adrian had felt threatened. But while he regretted his former action, he certainly didn’t regret the latter one. Just the thought of Adrian smiling at Dave and Dave smiling back, touching Adrian, still made Deran’s blood boil. Adrian had told him he and Dave were over, but he still worried about that jackass. Couldn’t the guy just get the message and stay out of Adrian’s life? But in the end Adrian had decided who he let into his life and who had to stay out of it.  
It wasn’t as if Deran didn’t know that Adrian deserved better than him. He did, but that didn’t mean Deran was willing to let him go. 

Around four in the morning, Deran gave up. The party didn’t hold any appeal to him and he didn’t feel drunk enough to deal with all those people gathered around. Not when the one person he wanted to deal with had shut him out. Permanently.

He found himself back at his place with no idea how he had managed to get there, even with a beer bottle still in hand. He staggered to his door, one foot catching on nothing as he stumbled inside. Warily he looked around. His place still seemed to gleam from the time Pope had waited for him all those months ago. His skin crawled with disgust. It was too clean, everything in order. This wasn’t him. This wasn’t how he felt at this very moment. Not at all.

So Deran set out to make the place look from the outside how he felt inside. The bottle of beer he had taken from Craig’s party was the first to go. He flung it against the wall with a scream of rage he hadn’t even known had waited to erupt from deep within. The bottle hit the wall with satisfying force and shattered into a million little pieces. Deran could relate.

But that one lone bottle wasn’t enough. Not by far.

Half an hour later Deran found himself sitting in his trashed living room, trying to catch his breath, his throat raw. Had he screamed that much? He wasn’t sure. The past thirty minutes were hidden behind a blurry haze of anger and frustration.

Feeling tired to the bone, he glanced around again. He needed a new table. And new chairs. And that shelf over there… well, it would never be the same again.

Sleep. He needed sleep. Unsurprisingly, his bed didn’t bring him the comfort Adrian’s had the few times he decided to stay over. After he laid down, he just continued turning from one side to the other, unsuccessfully chasing after precious tendrils of sleep, his thoughts too sharp, too awake to succumb to the soft arms of dreams. The alcohol cursing through his veins didn’t make falling asleep any easier, just managed to turn his bedroom into an amusement park, the bed a carousel, turning and turning around. 

With unsteady fingers, Deran sought out his phone. Screw this being a bad idea. He needed to hear Adrian’s voice. But no one answered the call.

Frustrated, Deran flung the phone back onto the nightstand. He resolved again to try and fall asleep. With as much success as before.

It were the what ifs that kept him up that night. What if Adrian had backed away their first time in Belize? Deran knew he had been too fast, too eager, too rough, but Adrian had matched him step for step. What if he had never sent Pope after Dave? What if Dave hadn’t made it back to shore that night? What if he had never met Adrian in the first place? All those possibilities. All the moments where everything could have gone either far better or far worse than what had taken place in reality.

~AD~

_Deran held him tight against his chest, one arm possessively looped around his middle, one hand tracing letters on his skin over and over again. No, it wasn’t cuddling. It was more Deran making sure that Adrian wouldn’t get away during Deran’s refractory period. Which in and of itself was laughable to no end. Adrian didn’t have the energy to even sit up, so leaving the bed was out of the question anyway. He shuddered when Deran’s fingertips grazed his hip, then shuddered again when he recognized the word Deran seemingly wanted to etch into his skin._

_Mine._

Adrian shot out of his dream memory to the smell of coffee and bacon. Sunlight tickled his nose and he felt sore all over from the long drive. And from Deran’s visits the last few nights.

“Not yours,” he whispered into the room, needing to remind himself. “Not anymore.”

Disoriented from the dream, it took him a second to remember where he was and why he had no trouble this time to sleep the remaining night away. He’s at Ryan’s. Steve was also here. He was safe.

After a moment to just bath in that knowledge, he sat up, stretching like a cat. He was still wearing his clothes from yesterday - well, minus the shoes - and he couldn’t believe how incredible thankful he was for that. There was no doubt in his mind that he would have suffered a major breakdown if he had woken up wearing only his boxer shorts. Not to mention that he would have to explain the bruises on his hips to Ryan and no. Just no. He was so not ready to spill the beans, every little detail about what had transpired these past few months.

He grabbed his cell from the bedside table to check the time but when he looked at the screen he hardly registered that it was almost ten. Most of his attention was drawn to the three unanswered calls. They were all from Deran. While Adrian stared at the phone log, trying to make sense of it all, his cell began to vibrate, indicating another incoming call.

When Deran’s name flashed across the screen, Adrian dropped the phone as if it had burned him. He barely stifled the yelp forming in his throat as he scrambled backwards, away from the phone. It took another second for him to pull himself together, but then he shook his head, annoyed with himself. This wasn’t him. He wasn’t afraid of shadows, not of ringing phones, regardless who it was on the other end of the line. Taking a deep breath, Adrian placed the phone back on the bedside table. Then he grabbed some fresh clothes out of his bag, which was conveniently placed next to the bed, and flew into the bathroom across the floor for his morning routine.

When he came back to his room a few minutes later freshly showered, his cell had stopped vibrating and the log now showed him one more missed call.

Adrian took the cell, hoping against his common sense that Deran wouldn’t call again, but he wanted to be reachable if Ed ran into any problems while minding the shop. He padded barefoot into the kitchen, where Ryan and Steve argued good naturedly over scrambled eggs and bacon. When Adrian entered, Steve looked at him, teeth gleaming white in his dark face as he called out with a smirk, “It lives!”

Adrian gave him the middle finger and smiled at the snort coming from Ryan.

Ryan’s “you alright?” meshed with Steve’s “slept well?” in a flurry of words. Adrian felt his smile slip a little but he nodded to Steve and answered his question with a truthful and heartfelt, “Yeah.”

To Ryan’s query he could only give a vague “getting there”, but at least that, too, was honest.

“You gave us quite a scare,” Ryan mentioned, eying him up and down, while Steve nodded along to his words. “You fainted.”

Adrian shook his head to deny it, even if he knew as well as them that this was exactly what had happened. “I fell asleep after a long day and an even longer night. That’s all. I was exhausted beyond belief.”

While Steve still looked skeptical, it was Ryan’s turn to just nod. If he didn’t believe him, he certainly didn’t show it. “Okay.”

And that’s it. At least for now. No questions about what happened, no questions about what was so bad that he just up and left Oceanside to come here, to come home in the middle of the night. Instead Adrian placed his cell on the table and gratefully took the plate piled high with eggs and bacon, stomach rumbling loudly. He dug in without hesitation, only now realizing how hungry he was. But he hadn’t eaten since yesterday, some time before the party. No wonder he felt like starving.

“You missed the morning run,” Ryan told him. “You gonna come with tomorrow?”

Adrian found himself nodding between bites before he could really think about what jogging would do to his lower back. “Yeah, sure.”

Steve looked as if he wanted to make another smart remark when Adrian’s cell started buzzing again. Adrian looked down at the screen and felt the color drain from his face. Deran tried to reach him. Again. Why wouldn’t he give it a rest? They had said everything that needed to be said. There was no reason to talk anymore. Not for a while at least, till they both had time to lick their wounds in peace. Why couldn’t Deran see that?

And just like that everything that had happened yesterday evening crashed into Adrian again. Coupled with the knowledge that Deran tried to get a hold of him, was enough to start the shakes again. He wondered if Deran had stopped by at his apartment and at the shop, already knowing that Adrian had fled Oceanside without a backward glance.

Vaguely he registered Steve telling them that he needed to call his wife, tell her he was still alive and kicking and he wanted to speak to his daughter, too, reassure her that daddy hadn’t forgotten her and would be home again soon.

Adrian nodded along with Ryan that it was a good idea, on some level recognizing Steve’s ruse so that he and Ryan could share a quiet moment together, giving Adrian a chance to open up about everything. But at the moment he was more focused on the cell, willing it to finally shut up again. With more dread than was necessary, his eyes remained fixed on the screen. He made no move to answer the call or end it, just waited motionlessly until the vibrating stopped, meaning Deran had given up. For now.

Ryan’s hand on his shoulder startled Adrian enough that he shot up into a standing position, ready to defend himself. But no danger awaited him here. Just Ryan, who hadn’t backed up a single step and now stood in front of him, eyes worried, searching, waiting.

Adrian could feel shudders tear through his body as he relived his encounter with Deran the night before. He opened his mouth to explain, but no words came out, only a sound that reminded Adrian more of a wounded animal than himself. Helplessly he shook his head, not bothering to suppress the sob he felt building. 

Ryan carefully closed his hand over Adrian’s shoulder again and reeled him into one of his patented hugs. Adrian didn’t resist, just moved into the other man and hid his face in his neck as the dam finally broke. And there it was, the breakdown he had pushed away for all of yesterday and most of the morning, leaving him clutching at Ryan, his anchor, his safe haven.

Ryan had one hand on Adrian’s waist, just holding on, holding him up, if need be. With the other he rubbed soothing circles across Adrian’s back, whispering calming words into his ear. 

Adrian didn’t know how long they stayed like that, locked into a tight embrace with Ryan taking most of their weight, but after a while the shuddering sobs finally ebbed off and Adrian found he could start breathing normally again. He kept leaning against Ryan for a few precious seconds longer before he pulled away. 

“Thanks,” he told Ryan who gave him a small smile in return. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, where worry overshadowed any other emotion. But Adrian backed away from the questioning glance and said, “No. I can’t… I can’t talk about it. Not yet, anyway.” Maybe not ever.

Ryan nodded in understanding. “Okay.”

They stayed like that a while longer, Ryan not pushing and Adrian eternally thankful that he never would. 

Steve’s return successfully broke the moment, as he asked, “So, what’s the plan for today?”

“Shopping,” Ryan said in a tone that brooked no argument. 

A few minutes later they piled into Ryan’s ten year old Honda Ridgeline and drove into town.

“What do we need?” Steve asked. He had managed to claim shotgun, while Adrian stretched out behind them, watching trees fly past on their way to Cedar Peak.

Ryan proceeded to list enough food to feed a small army. “And booze,” he added. “I believe we have barely any beer left. We’ll need a bit more to last a few days.”

“If it’s the three of us, we’ll definitely need a lot more of everything,” Steve said. “Hey Adrian, how long were you staying again?”

Adrian met Steve’s eyes in the rear view mirror as he shrugged. “Don’t know yet. You?”

Steve grinned at him and shrugged. “Don’t know yet.”

“I should charge rent,” Ryan announced, a smile belying his words.

~AD~

After a fitful night of exhaustive non-sleep, Deran was up with the dawn, ready to take the day into a choke hold and demand its goods. He also chose to conveniently forget how he had tried drunk calling Adrian a few times during the night. Most of all, he was so done with waiting around. He would speak to Adrian now, get him to see reason once and for all. Determined Deran left his halfway destroyed apartment and plopped down into the driver’s seat of his truck, the first destination already firmly fixed in mind. Considering the weather and the murmur of how great the ride at San Onofre would be today, Deran didn’t deem it too much of a stretch that Adrian might have forgone work today and had strayed to the beach instead. As long as no pressing orders waited for him at the shop, Adrian was known to do this sometimes and Ed always said that Adrian could use any training he could slot in, so he wasn’t averse to his partner vanishing to tackle the surf.

The early morning hour had already drawn quite a group of surfers out, but Deran couldn’t find Adrian among them. Stomping through the sand he took his time to muster the people around him, but he didn’t see the familiar figure anywhere, nor did he hear the carefree laughter Adrian could let loose. After half an eternity of wandering the beach up and down, Deran decided that San Onofre was a bust. No problem. He knew a few other spots where Adrian loved to surf. He would just look for him there.

Deran visited everywhere Adrian liked to go and every place where the waves promised good rides. Adrian stayed suspiciously absent. Maybe he had gone to work today, even despite the spectacular waves.

Once more Deran climbed into his car and drove to his next destination: the surf shop. 

The first thing Deran saw when he parked his truck in front of the shop was that Adrian’s car was notably absent here as well. Deran fought against the dread building up inside. There could be a reasonable explanation for that. Maybe Adrian’s car broke down and he came here on foot. His apartment was just a few blocks from here, so the distance was easily walkable.

Here goes nothing, Deran thought to himself and entered the surf shop. First thing he stumbled across was Ed carving away at a board. 

“Hey,” he greeted loudly and waited impatiently till Ed’s attention turned to him. “Is Adrian in the back?”

Why did he even ask? If Adrian wasn’t surfing, there was nowhere else he might be right now, even if his car wasn’t parked outside. Right? Dave’s face appeared unbidden in Deran’s mind, as unwelcome as the first time he had seen it. Viciously he stomped on the thought and banished it from his head. Talking to Adrian wouldn’t be easy. Convincing him to get back together even less. He didn’t need to create imaginary obstacles where there might be none.

It still came as a surprise when Ed shook his head and answered, “No, he’s not here. You come for the rent?”

“No, I’m here for Adrian. He called in sick?”

Ed shook his head again and then nodded to a piece of paper on the table. “Nah, he’s gone for a while. I found the note today when I opened the shop.”

Gone? With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Deran snatched up the note to read it. 

“Hey Ed, I have to leave for a few days. Rent money is in its usual place if you need it. See you in a few, Adrian.”

“That’s all you got?” Deran asked Ed, feeling like he was missing something. “You don’t know where he went?”

Adrian must have told his partner something, didn’t he?

Ed shook his head, then nodded to the piece of paper again. “I told you, the note was all I found when I opened the shop. He didn’t leave anything else.”

Deran turned to the door ready to tear something apart. Or someone. When he stepped out into the sunlight he almost walked straight into Dave. Go figure.

What the hell was he doing here?

For a second they just stared at each other, both of them probably pulling the exact same dismayed face. 

Like Deran Dave didn’t bother with a greeting and just asked, “Adrian around?”

Something inside Deran snapped and before he could think of what a bad idea this was, he already barked, “What, you still meeting with him? Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?”

For a moment Dave seemed more surprised than taken aback, then something in his face changed. He looked as if the last puzzle piece finally slotted into place and his expression shuttered. 

“So that is why Adrian started to pull away. Explains a lot,” he said, voice flat.

“I have no time for this shit,” Deran muttered and shouldered past Dave.

“Shall I relay that message when I see him?” Dave asked into his back and Deran spun around on his heels, a red haze of rage clouding his vision.

Back then, Dave hadn’t understood the warning for it had never been uttered one, but Adrian had gotten the message loud and clear. Time for Dave to get it, too.

“Stay away from Adrian or you won’t make it back to shore next time,” Deran hissed, then he pivoted again and stalked away.

It was reckless. Hell, it was stupid. But the thought of someone else, the thought of _Dave_ , looking for Adrian, maybe finding him before he did, turned his stomach and propelled him into action. Adrian’s place was his next stop. Maybe he had holed himself up there.

The ride to Adrian’s apartment was as short as it was uneventful. And equally unsuccessful. Adrian’s car wasn’t parked here either. For a moment Deran hesitated, trying to think of what to do next. In the end he decided that he best started looking for clues. He already was in the right place to search for them.

From the bed of his truck he snatched a crowbar and pried the same window open that he had entered through the last time he had broken in here. Silently he promised Adrian to fix the window. Again. 

He swung himself into the apartment and took a careful look around. It didn’t seem like Adrian was gone at all. At least not at first glance. But then Deran noticed that the bed didn’t look like Adrian had spent the night at home. He also spotted the empty space beneath the bed where a bag usually lay and going through Adrian’s things he took note that there were fewer clothes than usual in Adrian’s closet. But there was no hint, not even the tiniest clue, where Adrian might have gone to.

Deran plopped down onto the bed, thoughts wandering back to the first time he had broken in here, Adrian pliant beneath him after the short fight, yielding to him. God, and the noises he had made… Groaning Deran threw an arm over his eyes, but it didn’t do anything to stop the images dancing in front of his eyes, the memories as clear as if they had happened mere hours ago. Of course that instantly brought back the memory of the kiss they actually had shared only a few hours ago, like an imaginary jack-in-the-box just waiting for the right moment to spring free. Adrian’s lips pressed against his own, soft and open in surprise. And Adrian pulling away, hands curled into fists, arms raised defensively, shying away from him. 

Deran turned around and pummeled the pillow with his fists, a scream of rage and frustration tearing from his throat. 

When Adrian had asked him if he wanted to come in, Deran had nodded his head without even a conscious thought, for a second thinking that he had won, that everything would be alright, ignoring all the signs to the contrary. But then Adrian had continued talking, each word like a knife stabbing into his gut. Except for the last sentence. That one had ripped his heart right out of his chest.

“But sorry, you can’t make me feel something I don’t.”

Adrian must have lied. He had to have felt something during their two years together or he would have called it quits a hell of a lot sooner. No, he had chosen the exact right words that he had known would Deran cause to back up, to wound him deep enough that he had frozen, unable to do anything, unable to stop Adrian from leaving, because he had walked away first, too hurt to think clearly. 

But what good did the epiphany do him now?

This had been the last possible stop where Adrian could’ve been. Even though Deran was unwilling to admit defeat, what other choice did he have? Adrian’s gone. Left a note for Ed and just up and vanished. 

Now that Deran was reasonably sure that Adrian had left Oceanside, he had half a mind to fly to Belize and search for Adrian there. Even if he knew it would be the search for the needle in the haystack. Even if he knew Adrian might be somewhere else entirely. But the thought of sitting here, not able to do anything while Adrian had gone who knows where, turned his stomach which his hangover all too happily acknowledged. Grumbling he pulled his cell out and called Adrian. Again. Maybe this time he’d have more luck. Sooner or later Adrian would answer, right? After a minute of listening to the ring tone, Deran disconnected the call. Well, it certainly wasn’t this time. He would try again later. Part of him feared that Adrian was lying in a ditch somewhere, unable to get to his cell, while another part of his brain reminded him that Adrian had no reason to answer his calls. He had more to gain throwing his cell away. Deran tried to shut that part up, but it was determined to remind him of how much he had fucked up.

~AD~

_“I can’t do this anymore,” Adrian said into the quiet of the night. It was a reiteration of what he had told Deran before. He had told him the same when Deran had broken into his apartment after finding out about Dave. Not that he expected a different outcome, but the thought of staying quiet slowly killed him inside._

_He felt Deran’s presence at his back before the other reached out to grip his hips. “I heard Dave’s out of the hospital. Let’s celebrate.”_

_With those words, Deran steered him back to bed and Adrian let him, completely understanding what Deran left unsaid. Dave is out of the hospital. You can make sure it stays that way._

When Adrian shot out of another dream memory the next morning, he had just enough time to throw on some sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt before joining Ryan and Steve for their morning run. He hoped that running and the fresh air would banish any more ghosts of his past lurking in his mind. 

They took a trail that started right behind the house, leading uphill in gentle slopes, right to the top. Surfing and regular runs along the beach had kept Adrian fit, yet jogging up a mountain trail, with his lower backside still a little sore from recent activities, proved to be a new challenge. One that Adrian took on with fervor. He stayed behind Ryan and Steve, letting them set the pace and lead the way, concentrating on where he put his feet. The trail wasn’t all that wide to begin with and at times it got so narrow he could barely put both of his feet next to each other. He breathed deeply in and out, enjoying the crisp morning air and the lances of sunlight that streaked through the trees. Trees big and old enough to make him feel small and young. And protected, surrounded by gentle giants. Still, he missed the salt in the air, the fresh ocean breeze and the thunder of the waves. 

When they reached the top of the hill, Adrian circled around the edge, trying to look everywhere at once. There were no more trees up here, only some bushes few and far between scattered stone boulders. Surrounding them were mountains in all forms and sizes, some high enough to be capped with snow. And over there, Adrian saw the street winding back to Cedar Peak, the small town nestled at the mountains’ feet.

When he heard the helicopter overhead, Adrian thought nothing of it but something along the lines of “Ah, Max is still watching over the Cedar Pack”. Right up until Steve let out a yelp and dove underneath the bushes he had been standing next to only a second ago, his big bulk almost completely hidden by branches and leaves. The picture Steve painted might have looked funny from the outside, but Adrian knew what his friend had been through, so he took a careful step back and motioned to Ryan who had started to look for Steve the moment he had heard the helicopter. Ryan wasted no time in stalking over, his steps sure even if they looked unsteady to the unknowing eye. He went down on one knee in front of the bushes and began talking to Steve in a voice that carried calm and warmth and the promise that everything would be okay. It took him maybe five minutes, ten at the most, until he managed to pull Steve out of his PTSD induced flashback.

Although Adrian had expected that they would cut their run short, neither Steve nor Ryan showed any signs of wanting to return to the Eagle’s Nest anytime soon. Instead they led him on another path downhill. Soon they were surrounded by trees again and Adrian could only watch in amazement as Steve lost any tension left of his flashback bit by bit until he turned to Adrian with a smirk. “Race you to the foot of the mountain?”

Already picking up speed, Adrian returned the smirk. “Loser’s doing the dishes tonight!”

And off they went. This had nothing to do with the measured pace of a run, which left enough room for thoughts to wander around. No, this was the wild staccato of their feet hitting the ground, their breathing starting to match the rhythm of their steps, blasts of cold air hitting their faces and the scenery flying past in a blur of green and gray and brown and blue. Adrian concentrated on not falling flat on his face as he tried to keep up with Steve, who knew the way in his sleep and probably would have been able to run along the path blindfolded and with his hands tied behind his back and he would still have been faster than Adrian. Didn’t mean Adrian had to admit defeat at the beginning of the race already. He reached for his competitive spirit and unleashed it alongside a big helping of unbridled joy, chasing after Steve, determined to catch up with him.

They were both desperately gasping for air when they finally came to a stop where their path crossed the road that led back up to the Eagle’s Nest. Adrian walked a few kinks out while Steve bent over and tried to get his breathing under control again. 

After a few minutes Ryan reached them, having run after them at a leisurely pace, looking them over with a fond smile as he asked, “So, who won?”

Adrian drew a blank. He had been so concentrated on the pure pleasure running had brought, that he had spared no thought on if he had managed to outrun Steve or if it had been the other way round. He exchanged a glance with Steve and saw the same confusion painted on his friend’s face. 

Meanwhile Ryan leaned against one of the trees and practically started howling with laughter. 

“Only you,” he gasped out, “Only you two could manage to race each other and then miss who won the whole thing.”


	2. Taking back my dreams and my life

Pope strolled into the kitchen just as Deran sat down at the table and contemplated if he was hungry or not. Craig, who sat next to him, had already called him out on moping around. He wasn’t moping. It was just that he hadn’t had that much of an appetite these past few days.

Mostly because he was still waiting for news on Adrian. He had told everyone who knew Adrian that they should call him as soon as they caught sight of the blond surfer. So far he hadn’t heard back from anyone. Yet.  
But Deran knew they wouldn’t hold that kind of information back. They wouldn’t dare.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad. You can fix this,” Craig tried to cheer him up for the umpteenth time, but his attempt fell flat. 

Pope rooted around the fridge, producing a carton of milk after a few seconds. “What?” he asked over his shoulder. “Did Adrian finally dump your sorry ass?”

What? WHAT? This was what having a coronary had to feel like. Deran shot a betrayed look to Craig, but his brother seemed as baffled as he himself was. 

Noticing the glance exchanged between Deran and Craig, Pope asked surprised, “What? Are we still pretending that you fucking Adrian is a big secret? Can’t really understand why. I always admired the guy for putting up with you.”

_Ouch, thanks Pope_ , Deran thought grimly. He already knew that Adrian was way out of his league. No need for Pope to rub it under his nose. 

“He’s one of the few who have the balls to lie to my face. And it was just so that you could keep up pretending to be straight, so I let it slide,” Pope continued, utterly unimpressed by Deran’s death glare.

“Who lied to you for Deran and lived to tell the tale?” Baz asked as he entered the kitchen. Great, they had a family gathering to talk about his sexual preferences. Deran wanted to run away screaming, but Pope’s next words kept him rooted to the spot.

“Adrian,” Pope answered Baz’s question. “Did you know that we should still pretend that they are a secret? Because I sure as hell didn’t get the memo.”

Deran opened his mouth to protest. Pope couldn’t just go around and spout out these harmful truths. But this time it was Baz who left him frozen in place.

“Me neither.” Upon noticing Deran’s aghast expression, he continued, “Sorry, brother, but your crush on Adrian is even visible from outer space.”

Deran couldn’t help but face plant onto the table at the news. He felt Craig pat him on the back as he tried to comfort Deran once more. “Come on, at least J doesn’t know.”

Again, the comfort fell flat.

“No, he knows,” Deran said to the tabletop. As silence greeted him and Craig’s patting stuttered to a halt, he looked up to a lot of questioning faces all around. His own face burning, he turned his attention back to the table but explained anyway, “He caught Adrian and me with our pants down.” Literally.

Craig snorted out a laugh next to him, resuming to pat his back soothingly once or twice before leaning back in his chair. “You probably scarred the poor boy for life.”

Deran could only think about how hard he had fought to keep them a secret, how hard he had fought Adrian, to the point of driving him away, just to find out now, that his big secret hadn’t been a secret at all.

“Does Smurf know?” he finally asked. She’s the only one left that matters. 

Pope managed to shrug his shoulders while retrieving a glass from the cupboard. “Probably.”

Craig’s answer proved to be not much help either. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”

But it was Baz’s reply which took the cake. “It’s Smurf. She knows everything.”

Deran wanted to scream, to explode at them that they could’ve told him that a hell of a lot sooner. But most of all, he just wanted to find Adrian, drag him back to Oceanside and never let him out of his sight again, to get a chance to show him that now everything would be different. Better.

“So what exactly happened?” Baz asked.

Pope answered, busy with pouring milk into his glass. “Adrian dumped him.”

“Hey!” Deran snapped. Because fuck, Pope pretended as if he knew what the hell had happened.

“What? Don’t try to tell me it was the other way round,” Pope snorted, for a moment abandoning his glass of milk.

Deran sighed, tempted to bang his head on the table again. “No, you’re right,” he finally grumbled.

“Then why are you still here and not out there, getting him back?” Baz asked Deran, eyes wide in disbelief.

Deran answered morosely, “Adrian’s gone.”

“Gone gone?” Baz’s query sent a shiver down Deran’s spine who never ever wanted to imagine a world without Adrian in it. After a second to catch is breath again, he shook his head. “No, just for a few days according to the note he left for Ed. But that was over a week ago.”

“Deran’s been moping ever since,” Craig supplied helpfully.

“I haven’t been moping!” Deran protested loudly, just to garner snorts of contempt from about everyone else in the room. Okay, maybe he was moping. A little.

“I can find him,” Pope offered between sips of milk. “Drag his ass back here, so you two idiots can sort it out.”

Yeah, that would go over well. Deran could just picture it, Pope seeking Adrian out, after Adrian had specifically told Deran that he was afraid Deran would send his brothers after him. Great idea, really.  
He was shaking his head, before Pope had even finished speaking. “No, better not.”

Yet part of him wanted to say yes, wanted to ask Pope to bring Adrian back, no matter what Adrian thought about it. But that would only prove him right, wouldn’t it? Adrian had claimed that it was Deran who was in charge, who made the rules. 

But really, who had decided to end their relationship? Who had decided to say ‘fuck it’ and leave Oceanside for an undetermined length of time? Well, it certainly hadn’t been Deran!

~AD~

Adrian stretched while he walked down the hallway towards the living room, feeling more relaxed than he had in months. He didn’t know if it was the lack of Deran and his family, the change in scenery or Ryan’s presence that helped him heal. Maybe none of it, maybe a bit of everything.

Maybe it had been that he had met old friends again, like Grace and Jake, maybe it had just been the rounds he’d done in the pool today. Sadly the pool was not the ocean and he had no possibility to go surfing around here, but it was better than nothing. Not being in the water everyday had chafed at his nerves, but the bruises were almost gone now, too faint to see if you didn’t know where to look for them. So he didn’t have to worry about Ryan or Steve catching a good look at them and starting to ask all the wrong questions for all the right reasons. Speaking of which, he could hear the two of them talking, meaning they were back from their morning run. 

Steve’s voice sounded tense as he asked, “You noticed it, too, didn’t you?”

The bewildered “what?” from Ryan echoed Adrian’s thoughts. What was where to notice?

Steve continued with agitation creeping into his voice, “Adrian has avoided the indoor pool like the plague. This isn’t like him, is it? I can’t remember a time where you could keep him away from water for long, do you?”

Adrian didn’t mean to eavesdrop. Really. But when Steve mentioned his name, he stopped in his tracks almost involuntarily and leaned against the wall just next to the door. He didn’t want to listen in, but he couldn’t bring himself to move either.

As Ryan answered, he sounded as tense as Steve. “You are right, it’s not. Honestly, I had expected him to jump right in after he woke up the first day here.”

Steve’s voice held a worried note, as he wondered, “You think something happened in Oceanside that made him fear water? I don’t want to believe fate is that cruel.”

Ryan answered with a surety that caused Adrian to shudder in dread, fearing that Ryan at least suspected what had happened to him. “No, that’s not it. I rather think there is something he doesn’t want us to see.”

Damn Ryan and his therapist’s insight, Adrian silently cursed to himself. He had an idea how Ryan had come to his conclusion. Their chance meeting with Jake had probably been responsible. They had met Adrian’s friend from school on the way to organize more supplies and had made plans for the evening to meet up in the Vortex, the only bar in Cedar Peak. Well, the only one worth mentioning anyway.

“I see you tonight,” Jake had called over his shoulder and Adrian had flinched hard. While the words had been deceptively harmless, the memories accompanying them had definitely been not. And Ryan had witnessed that exchange with keen eyes. 

Steve knew Ryan long enough that his thoughts seemed to wander into the same direction Ryan’s had, because he guessed, “You think he was abused. That he hides his scars.”

Ryan’s answer consisted of a lowly growled “Yes.”

Adrian closed his eyes. This couldn’t get any worse.

Then Steve continued with his assumptions. “You think he was raped.”

Adrian’s eyes snapped open again. Screw it, it could get a lot worse. But it was Ryan’s answer that nearly gutted Adrian, the despair in his voice cutting deep. “I don’t know. Maybe. The way he acts sometimes resembles other victims I’ve met. And he doesn’t want to talk about what happened. He never felt like he couldn’t talk to me before. Until now.”

“I’m gonna kill the bastard who did this to him.”

Adrian almost didn’t hear Steve’s growled promise over the sudden roaring in his ears. How the hell did they get such a bright idea into their military knuckleheads? Yes, he had avoided the pool so they wouldn’t see the bruises Deran had left behind. But not wanting to show them the aftermath of rough sex didn’t even live in the same neighborhood as being raped.

Taking a fortifying breath, Adrian entered the living room. He could do this. “Hey guys.”

“You missed the morning run. Again. And why the hell is your hair wet? Did you just stumble out of bed and into the shower?”

Steve could channel a mother hen like no one else and his talk with Ryan just beforehand seemed to have fueled his worry all the more.

Adrian aimed for a casual shrug, but judging by Ryan’s furrowed brows he missed by about a mile. “The pool called to me. I forgot the time while doing a few laps.”

When Ryan opened his mouth, Adrian dreaded what he would have to say. He had donned that therapist face he always showed if he wanted to talk about something serious. But before he could get a single word out, he was interrupted by Adrian’s pocket starting to vibrate.

With his phone ringing, Adrian had no idea if he should feel relieved that he could postpone “The Talk” a little while longer or if he should worry about who was calling him now. He had an idea.  
But it was Leilani’s name that flashed across the screen, not Deran’s. 

“Lane, hi,” he greeted his friend from Morro Bay with slightly more enthusiasm than was strictly warranted. 

“Hey handsome,” she greeted back with a laugh in her voice. “Good to hear you, too. You coming to Morro Bay this weekend?”

Confused Adrian wondered if he had forgotten something important. Leilani’s birthday? No, that was in December. He still had a few months left till he had to worry about a present. “Hadn’t planned on it. Why?”

“You didn’t get the mails?” Leilani asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before she continued, “S4C plans the next Marine Mammal Surf Festival. You know, there will be competitions, too. The kind you haven’t missed before. I already put your name down on the lists. As a member you’re practically obligated to come!” After a short pause, she added a bit more subdued, “But don’t worry, you can opt out without any problems, I didn’t pay the entry fee yet. I just thought if you want to come, your starting place will be secure.”

“I didn’t have the time to check my e-mails the last few days,” Adrian answered with a smile, reacting to the enthusiasm she displayed. “And I’m not home, so I can’t bring my stuff. But I’ll be there. Thanks for signing me up.”

“Great!” Lane cheered. “And don’t worry about boards and wetsuits, I have enough at the shop. Oh, this is great. And you know, I will have the chance to continue to work on you.”

“Work on me?” What had he missed now? Ryan’s and Steve’s talk still clouded his thoughts and made it hard to concentrate.

“I still want you as a partner for my shop, silly!”

Of course. Lane had tried to get him to move to Morro Bay since the first time they had met. Both surfers, both shop owners and both interested in keeping the wildlife safe, they had hit it off from the start, finding an endless amount of topics to talk about. Back then Leilani’s partner had recently retired and she had gotten it into her head that Adrian would be perfect to fill the vacancy.

For the first time Adrian could actually imagine it happening, him moving to Morro Bay, leaving Oceanside, leaving Deran behind. Not far, but maybe just far enough. And Morro Bay was nearer to Cedar Peak, just a mere four-hour-drive.

When he ended the call a few minutes later, feeling more optimistic than he had in a long time, Leilani had that effect on people, he found Steve and Ryan staring at him curiously.

“Where do you want to vanish to this weekend?” Ryan asked.

Adrian readily answered, a plan forming in his head. “Morro Bay. There will be a charity festival by S4C. The proceeds will be used to protect the marine wildlife.”

“S4C?” Steve asked, his features one big question mark.

“Surfers for Cetaceans,” Adrian explained. “There will also be competitions. Leilani told me that she has already signed me up.”

Then, almost as if it was just an afterthought, he added, “Hey, you guys wanna come?”

“What? To the ocean? The sun burning down mercilessly, sand everywhere, going places you absolutely don’t want it to and drunken idiots galore?”

Yep, Steve was totally on board with the idea.

“I don’t know,” Ryan conceded like Adrian had hoped he would. “A change of scenery, new people to meet and seeing Adrian surf again. Doesn’t sound too bad. Also, I want to meet Leilani. I heard so much about her already, I’m curious.”

“You will like her.” Of that, Adrian was sure. He felt a little bit like pumping his fist into the air. He would go back to the ocean and surf again. And he had gotten Ryan and Steve to forget about their worries for him. At least for the moment.

~AD~

Deran stared into the fridge, but not really seeing its contents. He was occupied with thoughts that ran along the lines of holy shit, their job had been a success and holy shit, all of his brothers knew he was gay and were weirdly okay with it. Also, he couldn’t quite shake all the other events that had taken place these last few days. The police had come sniffing around because of his nephew. Who had also warned them that the police would come calling. Seemed the boy had finally chosen a side. In turn Smurf had given him a gun. While Deran generally approved of people owning guns he had his concerns about that little dipshit carrying one. Well, there wasn’t much he could do about it at the moment. He’d figure it out sooner or later. 

Deran was more concerned about Craig and his damn heroin addiction. He still couldn’t believe that his brother snorted that shit off the sat nav in the middle of them following the money. What he did in his private time was his thing, but during a job? When they had to rely on each other and had to be capable of quick thinking? While safety and Deran didn’t get together very often, he still liked to think that he might be reckless, but not suicidal. He wasn’t all that sure when it came to Craig. Maybe he should talk to Baz, come up with a plan to send Craig to rehab before Smurf got wind of how bad things really were. That wouldn’t end well for Craig.

Shaking his head, Deran finally chose the ingredients for a sandwich and got to work. Nothing fancy like Smurf used to do, but something quick to ease his hunger. 

And Smurf was another topic entirely. Every time they talked it was on the tip of his tongue to ask her. Ask her if she knew. And every single time he chickened out. Yes, he was afraid of the answer. If she had known all along, then everything that he did to hide part of himself, everything he had put Adrian through, it would all have been for nothing. And if she didn’t know, things would fundamentally change around here quicker than he could say “oh shit”. He certainly didn’t expect them to change for the better.

Sandwich in hand, he sat heavily down at the table. He took a bite although his hunger had already vanished again. It was almost a wonder how quickly he could think himself out of any appetite he had built up. 

While nibbling at the sandwich he resolutely tried not to think about Adrian, but he had as much success as the last few days, namely none at all. His thoughts seemed to have developed a mind of their own. 

That was how Craig finally found him, half eaten sandwich in one hand and mulling over what he could do better as soon as Adrian was back. He should probably start asking around again. He had already waited a few days for anyone to message him, but still no one had called or texted or left smoke signs or anything at all.

“We are taking a vacation,” Craig announced grandly, waving a few road maps in front of Deran’s face. He batted them away before they knocked the sandwich out of his hand. 

“You mean, Smurf wants you out of the way and I am supposed to play babysitter,” Deran grumbled. Craig pulled a face but made no move to deny it. No wonder. With how he had almost botched their last job, it didn’t really come as a surprise that Smurf didn’t want to see his face around the house. That he was sent into exile for the time being probably grated a lot more on his nerves. Still, taking Craig away from Oceanside and all his suppliers might not be the worst idea. Of all family members Deran thought that at least Craig was on his side and he felt he owed it to his brother to show him that this worked the other way round as well. So after a tense moment, Deran relented. “Alright, where are we going?”

“Here.” Craig laid one of the road maps onto the table and pointed to a small town much too far inland than Deran was comfortable with. The name of the town didn’t ring any bells immediately, but it sounded vaguely familiar.

“Why there? What the hell is so important about this place?”

Craig gave him a self satisfied grin. “I did some digging, and I think, this is the place to be. We will be there, obviously.” After a short pause he added, “And so will Adrian.”

Deran’s sandwich fell out of his numb fingers and landed on the table with a soft thud. He tried to form words around the stone that had lodged in his throat. “You know where Adrian is.” He had to say it out loud, just to confirm that this wasn’t a dream.

“What if he just went home?” Craig asked with a hint of excitement in his voice.

“No, I have already checked there, time and again. The place is deserted,” Deran answered, hope dashed as quickly as it had risen, not fully registering what his brother said, more concerned with the question since when Craig had jumped on the “search for Adrian” wagon.

But Craig shook his head as he corrected him. “I didn’t mean his home here. I meant his home town, where he grew up.”

Deran looked back down on the road map. The name Craig had pointed at suddenly made a lot more sense.

Cedar Peak.

“You know where Adrian is,” Deran repeated. The hope was back, stronger than before.

“Yeah. Look, I have no idea what you said or did to make it even worse than it was at the party but I thought we could go there, be out of Smurf’s hair and you get the chance to clear the air between the two of you. So, what do you think?”

_My brother, the poet._ Sandwich forgotten, Deran hopped off the chair. “When do we leave?”

~AD~

Adrian exchanged a look with Steve, barely suppressing the urge to snicker as his friend rolled so hard with his eyes it was a wonder they didn’t fall right out of his head. They stood at the beach, watching the surprise romance unfold that had started the second they had arrived in Morro Bay.

Adrian thought that he should have seen it coming. He had known that Ryan and Leilani would get along great, but he hadn’t expected for them to fall in love at first sight. 

Right now the two lovebirds walked hand in hand along the beach, Leilani’s hair all but glowing in the evening sun. Picture perfect cliche if it hadn’t been for Ryan’s slightly wobbly gait. The prosthetic and sand didn’t mix all too well, but Ryan seemed to take it in stride with a big helping of good humor and his usual zen attitude, at least judging from the smile he shared with Leilani and his eyes that were practically sparkling by now.

“I see a lot more visits to Morro Bay in my future,” Steve sighed, his eyes back on the couple. He didn’t sound too put out by the prospect, though. He probably thought the same as Adrian, that Ryan deserved this and they would have his back, no matter what. For Adrian, the same went for Leilani as well. She had complained to him so often about what kind of guys hit on her, Adrian found it hard to understand how she maintained the hope that there were still good guys out there. She really deserved a break from all those douche bags. She deserved someone like Ryan, who was kind and would treat Lane with respect instead of slimy pick up lines. Adrian knew they would be good for each other. They just had to give themselves the chance.

“Could be worse,” Adrian shrugged Steve off, stretching his sore muscles. The competitions had been great and now he felt the welcome aches of giving his best out there. “Think about it. You could bring Sharon and Nadja. Make it a family holiday.”

“You just want to instill that same longing for the ocean into my daughter that you have, admit it,” Steve accused, albeit half-heartedly. For someone who claimed to be adamantly against the sea, beaches, sun and the surfing community, he seemed to like it well enough here in Morro Bay. Adrian suspected that that had mostly to do with the two grey whales that had come to visit during the festival. He had never seen Steve whip out his phone so fast to take picture after picture. Now he certainly had something to show to his family at home.

Adrian couldn’t deny that the longing was there. He had missed surfing so much, he had been reluctant to leave the water each time in between competitions. 

Way ahead of them, Leilani turned around and shouted, “You guys coming, or what?”

“Sorry, we just didn’t want to intrude,” Adrian called back with a grin. He and Steve picked up their pace until they had caught up to Ryan and Lane.

“Where are we going anyway?” Steve asked, coming round on Ryan’s left side, the one unoccupied by a quirky blond. In turn Adrian went up to Leilani’s right, so he and Steve bracketed the couple in their midst. 

“What do you think?” Lane turned to Adrian. “The Bayside Hut or the Dutchman Seafood House?”

“Definitely the Bayside Hut,” Adrian answered without having to think about it. Their menu didn’t hold too many dishes, but their shrimps were to die for.

“The Bayside Hut it is. Good choice,” Lane voiced her approval and corrected their course with a wide smile in Adrian’s direction. Coincidentally, the Bayside Hut was also farther away than the Dutchman Seafood House so that Ryan and Leilani could walk hand in hand a bit longer.

Dinner went by in a blur, with Leilani asking a thousand and one questions about Ryan, his life, his job, his prosthetic, his dreams and fears and probably only half of what she could think of. In turn Ryan could keep up with her when she and Adrian talked surfing. Having grown up with Adrian, he had been on the end of many enthusiastic explanations about surfing. Probably more than he ever wanted to know, Adrian thought with a fond smile, while Leilani tried one more time to get him to agree to take the vacancy at her shop. 

During the evening she even managed to knock some sense into Steve cause at one point he admitted that life at the coast wasn’t all that horrible as he had imagined it to be. 

After dinner they ambled back to Lane’s, walking along the marina. Once again, Adrian found himself dropping back with Steve, giving Ryan and Leilani some time alone. He took a deep breath of ocean breeze, thinking he could taste the salt in the air. 

“Feeling better now?” When Steve asked that question, Adrian smiled back at him, only one answer possible. “Yes.”

Steve shook his head and Adrian could have sworn he heard Steve mutter, “Junkie.” But the smile never left his friend’s face.

Back at Leilani’s place, a flat above her shop with enough room to house not just one but three impromptu guests, they had almost caught up to Lane and Ryan again, when Steve’s phone started ringing, his daughter’s laughter chasing the silence away. 

“Oh, gotta answer that,” Steve announced, smile not only lighting up his face, but his eyes as well.  
Adrian waved after him, took one last look at the blissed out couple and turned to the sea. He slipped out of his shoes to enjoy the feeling of sand beneath his feet as he walked across the beach to the water. After finding a good place not far from the shore line he settled down. He drew his knees up to his body to rest his arms on them. Burying his toes in the sand he tried not to feel jealous of Steve and Ryan, whose love lives were a lot less complicated than his own. He was only moderately successful.

Even if he found it hard to believe now, Adrian knew that at one point (Belize to be exact) Deran and he had looked at each other just like Leilani and Ryan did now. The feelings of loss and longing were almost impossible to fight down, especially now that he had a few minutes alone for the first time in days. Groaning he let his head drop onto his arms, but he jerked up again when he heard the whisper of footsteps on sand.

Ryan settled down next to Adrian on the beach, stretching out his good leg, but keeping the prosthetic away from the sand. He handed Adrian one of the bottles he had brought along and asked, “Penny for your thoughts?”

Adrian took the beer with a thankful nod, then he shrugged, turning his eyes back to the ocean. He hadn’t been able to stray far from it since they got here. Today wasn’t the first time Steve had called him a junkie, but Ryan had just accepted his behavior as he knew how Adrian ticked. 

“I’m happy for you and Leilani,” Adrian offered with a small smile.

Ryan grinned in return. “I could kick our respective asses that you haven’t dragged me here sooner. Whenever you talked about Leilani, I knew she had to be great, but I didn’t expect this. She’s good people, right?”

“Yeah,” Adrian agreed. “The best.”

Ryan gently bumped his shoulder against Adrian’s. “And now tell me what’s actually on your mind.”

“I really like it here,” Adrian began, then stopped. He didn’t know how to tell Ryan about the thoughts swirling like crazy in his head.

Luckily, Ryan seemed to guess what Adrian hinted at. Or maybe he had just remembered one of the many times Leilani had asked Adrian to take her up on her offer. “You like it here enough to do what?” he asked.

“To start over,” Adrian answered, this time without hesitation. “Start a new life here, work with Lane in her shop. Our shop, if I agree to it.”

“You are that desperate to leave Oceanside behind?” Ryan wanted to know next.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Adrian really didn’t know. Part of him wanted to move like yesterday while another part wanted another chance with Deran, stupid as it might be. “Ed would be okay. He has enough business savvy and orders to keep the shop going, but I know that he would kill me if I told him that I quit.” And then there were his friends, of course. He didn’t want to miss them, not like he sometimes had when he had been with Deran. Adrian thrived on being with his friends. Deran practically isolating him from them had been the worst that could have happened to him. He needed the personal contact, people around him. Not always, not all the time, but often enough. 

All Adrian knew was that he certainly didn’t want to run away from Oceanside because of one person. Well, because of one _family_. But Morro Bay held its own promises of a better life, of new friends, of Leilani of course and the possibility to still live the life he had always dreamed about.

Leaving Oceanside didn’t have to mean that he had to leave his dreams behind.

~AD~

“So this is it?” Deran asked, glancing around. He wasn’t impressed. The town was small enough to make him wonder if everybody knew everybody. They would stick out like sore thumbs. On the other hand, they also might be able to get a quick lead on Adrian.

Craig shut down the sat nav and put it into the glove compartment. “Looks like it. Park over there, that B&B seems solid enough.”

Deran’s gaze followed Craig’s outstretched arm and then turned the wheel to maneuver his truck into the parking lot in front of the building. According to their sat nav and their maps they were already down town, where there was nothing to see except a few buses filled to the brim with tourists, all of them chattering loudly about hiking, skiing or snowboarding. There probably wasn’t much more to do around here. Why did people come here of their own free will? Why did they choose to live here? He could understand Adrian, that he left this sad little town behind to live in Oceanside. Had it been Deran in Adrian’s place he would have done exactly the same. But why come back here? What was here that Adrian couldn’t get in Oceanside?

After checking into the B&B with an overenthusiastic owner who never seemed to run out of annoying questions and dumping their stuff in the small room they’ve gotten, they decided to take a look around. Deran found that he didn’t need to reevaluate his first opinion. This town had nothing worth coming back to. 

It took them all of five minutes to look around the hick town, but then Deran discovered something else, something different than hotels and tourist shops. “Look over there,” he nudged his brother and pointed at the bar he’d just made out. It was an old one story brick building with a sign above the entrance that showed a spiral and the title Vortex in bold letters.

“Yeah, let’s take a look,” Craig agreed. 

It was early in the evening. Too early to draw a crowd into the bar, but late enough for it to be open already. They found the counter at the wall adjacent to the entrance. On the right to the counter a door led into the kitchen and on the left another door led to the toilets, at least according to the signs stuck to the doors. 

In front of the counter stood a few round tables, evenly spaced with enough room between them that people could stand around them without jostling each other. On the wall left to the entrance was a stage. The possibility for live music. Not necessarily a bad idea, depending on who was allowed on stage.

The space in front of the stage had been left empty, but around the room Deran found tables and chairs haphazardly scattered. Along the walls customers had the choice to sit in niches, not quite as in the middle of everything like the rest of the seating options were.

“Oh, look. Let’s talk to her, see if she knows something. A town this small, maybe she can tell us if Adrian is around.”

Following Craig’s gaze, Deran didn’t keep the snort in. Of course. The woman working behind the counter absolutely fit the type of girl Craig would go for, female and pretty. She was a petite Asian woman with jet black hair reaching just past her shoulders, sparkling eyes and a cute smile.

When Deran and Craig settled down at the counter, she turned her attention to them. “What can I get you, boys?”

“Beer,” Deran answered before Craig could open his mouth. He had donned his devil-may-care-smirk he liked to show off whenever he was on the prowl. The bartender either didn’t notice or was immune. 

“Sure thing,” she chirped and went to get their drinks. When she got back, she settled at the other side of the counter, eying the brothers curiously. “So, how did you get lost and found your way to Cedar Peak? Just passing through? Here for the hiking and skiing?”

“Actually, we are looking for a friend,” Craig answered, leaning toward the bartender, his smile turning conspiratorial. “Maybe you could help us?”

“Not sure.” Still, the bartender leaned forward herself, face open and curious. “There are a lot of people passing through here every day and not everyone finds their way to the Vortex.”

“Hey Grace,” someone called from the stage. The bartender turned and shouted back, “What is it?”

“How the hell do I connect this thing?” The guy on stage had mounted an honest to God karaoke machine there, holding some cables aloft. Deran wanted to groan, but bit down on his lips instead. Karaoke, really? They would be so far away from this place when that went down. So very, very far away.

“Everything’s color coded, you should find your way around,” the bartender, Grace, answered. “Or you could ask Norris, he had worked his magic with the thing last time.”

“Sure thing, boss. Will do.”

“Boss?” Craig asked, with more surprise and less curiosity than Deran felt.

“I own the bar. Who do you think keeps this baby running?” Grace shrugged. “So, back to your friend. I need a little more than you searching for him if you want my help.”

“About my height, blond, grew up here. His name is Adrian,” Deran explained.

Grace tilted her head to the side and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Deran didn’t miss how Craig’s eyes got drawn to the movement nor did he miss the suspicious frown the bartender suddenly sported.

“Adrian is not here at the moment. Why are you searching for him?”

Despite Grace having cooled towards them a lot, Deran still felt like pumping his fist into the air. They got their first lead. She knew Adrian. But what to tell her? He made a mistake, wanted to apologize and wanted Adrian back? He wasn’t sure that would go over well.

Craig answered, voice dripping sincerity. “He had a bad break up and we lost contact with him. We just wanted to make sure that he is okay.”

“I feared it was something like that. And you came all the way here just to check on him?” Grace didn’t look convinced, but a bit of her suspicion seemed to slide off.

“Yeah, well. We’re his friends,” Deran told her, hoping he sounded as sincere as Craig did.

Grace looked at them for a long time, as if searching in their faces for something. Whatever she found there led her to sigh and answer, “Like I said. He’s not here at the moment, but he’s on his way. Can you imagine? A surfer with two army vets in tow. I bet they paint quite the picture at the coast.”

Deran perked up. “He’s competing?” And who the hell were those two army vets?

“As far as I know, yes. He’s been here for about three weeks and then he got so antsy that he had to get to the sea again. The boy can’t live without the ocean. He’s addicted is what he is. It never keeps him here for much more than a weekend. No wonder he had to get away again. That the two others went with him doesn’t happen all that often. Contrary to him, they’re all the more reluctant to leave here.”

Well, that certainly sounded like Adrian. Deran remembered all too clearly a time when Adrian had come down with the flu, too weak to go to work and certainly too weak to go surfing. Deran had visited him almost every day, sneaking away from the other Codys to see half part worried, half part with amusement how Adrian went stir crazy without a board beneath his feet and a wave to ride in sight.

“They should come back today,” Grace told them. “I’m sure Adrian will be here for karaoke night, at least if Jake manages to drag him here and that’s practically a given. If you hang around until tonight, you’ll be able to meet him then.”

“We’ll be there,” Deran answered, barely keeping his enthusiasm at bay.

~AD~

Deran settled himself into the halfway hidden niche he had chosen, one where he could watch the entrance, waiting for Adrian and that was near a group of people he had heard talking about Adrian and that Jake character joining them.

Craig threw himself onto the bench opposite of Deran, grinning at his brother. “Why does it feel like we’re doing a stake out for a job?”

Because that was essentially what they were doing? Deran didn’t answer, just rolled his eyes and told him instead, “How about you get us some beer to survive this night?”

Considering they were here while a lot of people geared up for karaoke, he desperately needed booze, otherwise he might run away screaming before he could see Adrian.

Instead of protesting, Craig grinned even wider. “Sure thing, I’ve seen Grace at the bar. I can work my magic there and maybe get her to not spill that we are here.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Deran agreed, especially the part where Grace kept quiet about them being here. “Just tell her we want to surprise Adrian or something like that.”

While Craig got the beer, Deran entertained himself by watching the group of Adrian’s friends, picking out the couples, the singles, the loners, the ones who had to be the center of attention and the ones watching from the sidelines. The lines blurred a bit because everyone was talking to everyone and they seemed all around comfortable with each other.

Finally Craig returned with the alcohol and just a few minutes later, shortly after the first would-be singer had entered the stage, Adrian arrived with a good looking guy in tow. That had to be Jake. He seemed the same age as Adrian, but a little bit taller and bulkier than the surfer, with short black hair and a darker teint.

He and Adrian joined the small group of young people Deran had observed beforehand, talking, laughing, drinking. 

One of them raised his bottle and called out, “To the Cedar Packs!”

His girlfriend clinked her bottle against his and added, “To the humans and the wolves!”

“To the Cedar Packs!” the whole group echoed, straight faces all around for a second, just to dissolve into smiles, giggles and full out laughter.

A few of them had the guts to sing on stage and some were even… well, not totally bad at least.

After the first few songs, Jake turned to Adrian and said, “Why don’t you go up there, try out Quicksilver?”

“The one from the Crüxshadows? That song isn’t made for karaoke,” Adrian protested.

Jake answered cheerfully, “I know.”

Adrian tried another angle. “I’m totally gonna butcher this song!”

Jake, full of glee, reiterated, “I know!”

In the end, Adrian took the stage and sang the song. He was right, he butchered it.

Deran and Craig listened to Adrian sing totally off key. Deran’s first thought crept up on him, before he could really acknowledge it. _My man can’t sing_. His man, huh? If it were up to him, then it was only a matter of time till the thought would actually ring true.

But what struck Deran most was, how Adrian sang about taking back his love, his pride, his dreams and his life, that he’d defend the ground he’s standing on. It struck him because this was exactly what Adrian was doing with their relationship.

Up next Jake sang “It’s my life” and Adrian and Grace sang and jumped along from the sidelines. Deran thought he hadn’t seen Adrian laugh this much in the last two months as he had this evening.

One guy tried Mondo Cozmo’s “Sixes and Sevens”. Tried being the important word here. It sounded worse than when Adrian garbled his way through his first song.

A few songs later, Adrian sang “Standing outside the fire” and dedicated it to a friend. He didn’t say the name out loud, but listening to the song Deran understood that it was meant for him. He could at least admit to himself that Adrian was right. He was not as brave as Adrian. At least not when it came to all the emotional stuff. Contrary to Adrian he was… well, not content to stand outside the fire, but he felt safer here, not dancing within the flames, being open about his sexuality, trusting that everything would be alright. He didn’t understand where Adrian drew his optimism, his strength from.

The song also sparked an impromptu square dance. It was quite a sight, nine people gathering in front of the stage and dancing in formation. One of them was Jake. Of course. Deran got a short glimpse of him grinning up at Adrian. As soon as Adrian noticed he lost a few words of the song, replacing them with laughter. Then he nodded to the dancers in front of him and began to lead without hesitation. All that was missing were cowboy boots and matching hats. Deran watched Adrian sway his hips in a shuffling move and all the dancers in front of the stage followed his lead. Adrian spun around like a whirlwind across the stage, going first to his left, then changing direction and moving to the right. The square dancers also whirled around and around, moving as one. 

Deran’s whole body seemed to pulse with his frantic heart beat. He had forgotten that Adrian could laugh like this, loud and free and with mirth dancing in his eyes. He was also absolutely furious that Adrian turned his blinding smile to someone else and not to him.

How long had it been since he had Adrian actually seen this carefree outside of surfing? Gone were the wary looks and the careful half smiles that never reached his eyes. Who was Jake that he could get Adrian to change back like this?

A few more songs followed, then a girl got up to the stage, carrying a violin of all things. She told the audience that she didn’t want to do karaoke, but that she had practiced something she wanted to play tonight. Grace gave her the thumbs up and the girl began to play the violin.

Deran had expected some boring classical shit, but not this. 

“Dude, is she playing the Game of Thrones opening credits?” Craig asked.

Deran shrugged his shoulders. “You tell me.” Because of course his brother watched the show while vehemently denying that he did all the time.

Grace sang “Night will fade” and Jake pestered Adrian into trying another song, this time “Over you” by Daughtry. This song was made for karaoke and when Deran watched Adrian on stage, he thought the song was made for Adrian, too. He felt a pang, listening to the text and hoped as hell that Adrian didn’t mean any of what he sang regardless of how much he put into the song.

Jake sang “The Hunger” and stared at Adrian while he belted out the line “Take hold of your dreams with both hands and don’t let go again.” Adrian in turn nodded back, looking as if he got the message.

Someone else sang “House of Fire” and Craig was itching to try the whole karaoke shebang, but Deran held him back. He didn’t want Adrian to know that they followed him all the way to Cedar Peak just yet.

Grace and Adrian tried Skillet’s “Not gonna die” and Deran took note of how much Adrian sang about getting back control.

Last song of the night was “Enter Sandman”. The guy singing had the rough voice to carry the song. After that, Grace kicked everyone but the staff out. Deran caught a glimpse of Adrian as he and Jake stayed to help with the clean up.

“Now’s your chance,” Craig nudged him and nodded to the small group of staff and helpers collecting glasses and bottles and shoving tables and chairs back in their places.

Deran shook his head. “No, not yet. Not tonight.”

Although everything inside of him itched to go over to Adrian, he knew that he would be taking something from him that he sorely needed right now. And he had taken more than enough already.

He had enough practice in watching Adrian from afar. What was one more night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for the kudos. For every new one I was hopping up and down with joy. :-)
> 
> I have to admit I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.
> 
> Songs mentioned at karaoke night:  
> Quicksilver - The Crüxshadows (credit where credit is due: that’s where I got my chapter titles from)  
> It’s my Life - Bon Jovi  
> Sixes and Sevens - Mondo Cozmo  
> Standing outside the Fire - Garth Brooks  
> Game of Thrones Opening Theme (violin cover)  
> Over you - Daughtry  
> The Hunger - Dungeon  
> House of Fire - Alice Cooper  
> Not gonna die - Skillet  
> Enter Sandman - Metallica
> 
> Original Characters and the actors their looks are more or less based on:  
> Leilani: Arielle Kebbel  
> Grace: Bae Sue Ji  
> Ryan: Brian Hallisay  
> Steve: Tyrese Gibson  
> Jake: Jacob Ifan


	3. This is the ground I will defend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is, the next chapter. Finally.  
> If it's a bit on the crackish side - that's entirely Jake's fault.  
> To anyone of you who actually reads this story: I'm so sorry for the long wait. RL has a way to mess with my plans.  
> And again thanks to everyone who left a comment and/or kudos. :-)

Seeing Adrian at karaoke night, rocking the stage while butchering a song that was never meant for karaoke was one thing. It gave Deran all the right tingles and he had almost worked up the courage to walk up to Adrian and talk to him the other day. He still had no idea what he wanted to tell him, but “come back”, “let’s try again” and mostly “sorry” seemed like a good start. 

Yet the faint feeling of hope had nothing on the rage that burned through his body right now. He threw a quick glance Craig’s way and wasn’t all that surprised by the thunderous expression on his brother’s features. Craig had always liked Adrian, had told Deran that he was a good guy. Of course he would stand up on his behalf.

Even a casual observer would be able to tell just from watching the scene in front of them for a second how dangerous the situation really was. Deran was a far cry from being a casual observer, he _knew_ Adrian and his body language clued him in pretty well. He didn’t need a second to know what was up. Adrian stood with his back ramrod straight, hands clenched into fists while he stared with open hostility at the guy in front of him. Deran would’ve sworn on everything he owned that he had never in his life seen Adrian with quite an expression like that before. The emotions that raged in his eyes were almost too much to handle. Deran could easily pick out anger and fear as the most prominent ones. 

The man Adrian squared off against was about Adrian’s height, but held almost twice his weight, most of it in bulging muscles that even the thick clothing couldn’t hide. The scar running across his right temple didn’t help to make him look trustworthy in any way. His beady eyes under the buzz cut stared malevolently at Adrian. 

Considering all this, Deran had a good idea where the sudden fear for Adrian’s life came from, but he didn’t particularly care, it catapulted him into moving across the street just the same as if he hadn’t known. Footsteps behind him signaled that Craig had his back. Good. Who knew how difficult it would be to take the fucker down.

Going on the tried and true saying that a good defense was an aggressive offense, he bellowed “Hey!” at the top of his lungs when he was halfway across the street. 

Both Adrian and the stranger whipped their heads around to the source of the shout.

Adrian’s eyes went wide in surprise and disbelief and he looked just this side of a panic attack. Noticing the pallor of his face, freckles standing out in stark relief, Deran’s worry doubled. Whatever he and Craig were interrupting, it seemed dead serious.

The other guy looked them over with obvious approval, probably thinking he found some allies against Adrian. How he got that bright idea, Deran didn’t know and he didn’t care for it either. All he wanted was to get Adrian as far away from this fucker as possible.

“Wonderful. More people to the party,” the guy crowed, throwing an arrogant glance in Adrian’s direction. When Deran followed his gaze, he finally understood why that asshole thought they might be on the same side. Adrian had clearly recognized them, but just as clearly lacked his expression any kind of relief nor was there any ease of tension in his stance. If at all possible, he even seemed a bit tenser than before.

“How about we bash that little faggot’s head in?” the fucker with the buzz cut had the gall to suggest.

Deran noted that Adrian barely even reacted to the threat and he dimly heard Craig’s growl behind him. But all in all he was too busy fighting the red haze that clouded his vision. He was angry enough to kill, but straight up murder had never been a good idea, regardless how tempting it was. Even if it was an asshole like that. But the thought of that fucker even laying a finger on Adrian… “How about you touch him and I break your neck?” Deran finally ground out. Seemed like a fair warning to him. 

The asshole looked at him with surprise written all over his features. After a second it finally seemed to dawn on him that they wouldn’t help him take Adrian down. But just to emphasize his point, Deran planted himself smack-dab in the middle between Adrian and that asshole, his glare never leaving the fucker’s face.

Of course he was well aware that Adrian could stand up for himself, he had witnessed him doing that on numerous occasions. Hell, most of the time he had been on the receiving end. But the murderous glint in the stranger’s eyes still made him fear enough for Adrian’s safety that he had to move bodily between them, just so he could breathe a little easier.

After a long moment the fucker angrily breathed out and took a step back. “Fine,” he growled. “Have it your way.”

To Adrian he added, “We’ll talk more later, fag.”

Then he turned on his heel and strode away. Somehow he even managed a purposeful stride instead of looking as if he was running away with his tail between his legs.

Deran didn’t wait till the fucker was out of sight. He knew Craig would have an eye on him. Instead, he turned to Adrian and reached out to check for any injuries. Just because Adrian seemed fine didn’t necessarily mean that he was. 

“You okay?” he asked, surprised that he managed to keep the worry out of his voice. He almost sounded disinterested, while his insides churned with rage.

Adrian flinched away from his touch. Deran took a step back, holding his hands up in surrender before letting them drop to his side again, barely suppressing the growl building within. He just wanted to help, dammit!

Adrian looked warily between him and Craig, who didn’t seem to have noticed their little exchange, his eyes still on the stranger. After a tense moment Adrian nodded and answered Deran. “Yeah, I’m fine.” An almost imperceptible pause later, he added, “Thanks.”

Although his eyes asked what the hell Deran was doing here, he didn’t voice the question out loud. That was just as well because Deran doubted that he could’ve answered the query in a satisfactory manner.

“Interesting friends that you have here,” Craig commented, finally turning away from the stranger.  
Adrian snorted and seemed to expel some of the tension with the noise. “You don’t even know half of it,” he answered, just as Craig pulled him into a quick hug. Deran caught a glimpse of Adrian’s face and despite everything had to fight down the laugh threatening to break free. Adrian looked utterly baffled. 

“Good to see you, man,” Craig told him. 

“Good to see you, too,” Adrian answered, his expression saying something else entirely, his eyes darting warily between Craig and Deran. From one moment to the next Deran lost the urge to laugh. Deran knew that if he tried to pull Adrian into a hug, no matter how much he wanted to, the gesture would neither be welcome nor tolerated.

Craig ignored the doubtful undertone in Adrian’s voice although he must have noticed it, too. Or maybe he was really just that oblivious to it.

When Craig released him, Adrian took a step back, then gestured to the bar behind him. “Better come on in, meet the others.”

He looked as dubious as Deran felt when he invited them into the Vortex. Considering what had happened the last time Adrian had introduced him to a friend, Deran couldn’t fault him for not being too keen on Deran meeting even more of them. But he led them into the bar nonetheless.

Although Deran wasn’t eager for meeting anyone else, especially not that Jake character, he followed Adrian inside after sparing a last glance to the direction where the stranger had vanished. Craig brought up the rear.

Adrian led them to a round table near the bar, where three people stood, talking animatedly. One of them was Jake, just like Deran had guessed. They all took one look at Adrian and immediately snapped to attention when they noticed his expression and his entourage. Considering the other night, Deran had expected Jake to get touchy feeling with Adrian. His look of worry at least suggested the intention. But it was the other white guy, a man with muscular arms and warm brown eyes, standing almost as tall as Craig, who reached out to Adrian. He laid a hand on his shoulder and gave it a short squeeze. Deran wanted to break each of his fingers in at least three places, but Adrian leaned slightly into the touch before pulling away again as if remembering that he shouldn’t show affection to anyone when Deran was near. Deran couldn’t help but notice the similarities between this stranger and Dave. The same tousled hair, the same open look, the same smitten expression directed at Adrian.

“I’ll be fine, just gonna need a minute,” Adrian answered. Then he gestured to Deran and his brother. “Deran, Craig, meet Ryan,” the asshole still touching Adrian, “Steve,” the bald guy who seemed nice enough, “and Jake.” The guy who seemed to know Adrian just a little bit too well.

“Guys, these are Deran and Craig, they are… friends from Oceanside. Sorry, but I’ve got to go to the back,” Adrian continued and Deran was as appalled to notice the faint tremor in Adrian’s hands as he was to hear the slight hesitation before he labeled them as friends. What did he think he and Craig were trying to pull here?

“What happened?” Ryan asked, voice soft and eyes worried. Deran wanted to punch him.

Adrian took a deep breath, then patted Ryan’s shoulder in return as he moved past him. “I had a brief run in with Mick,” Adrian told them and promptly vanished to the restrooms.

His answer had an immediate effect on everyone at the table, most noticeable on Ryan. His gaze swiveled to Jake, whole posture as tense as Adrian had been just minutes ago. “I thought they arrested him in Three Rivers.” It sounded half like a question, half like an accusation.

Jake shrugged, equally tense. “I thought so, too. I’ll call my dad and see what he knows.” With that, Jake edged past Deran and Craig, giving them both a brief nod. Then he vanished through the door, cell already at his ear.

“So, this Mick and Adrian have history,” Deran found himself saying, equally needing and dreading to know.

“If you want to call it that”, Steve answered with a grimace. His fingers drummed against the table without him seeming to notice. To be fair, no one else seemed to, either.

“You sure we should leave him alone right now?” Steve added after a few seconds.

Ryan’s gaze was locked on the door Adrian had vanished through. He gave a nod and a shrug as an answer. “Yeah, let him dry heave in peace. If he isn’t back here in ten minutes, I’ll go and check on him.”

Deran exchanged a short glance with Craig. That didn’t sound good. Not at all.

“Dry heaves?” he finally got out. Because, hell, why would Adrian react like this to that asshole? What had happened between them? Or was it a reaction to him and Craig showing up? It couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Steve propelled himself away from the table, nearly sending Deran into a fighting stance out of pure reflex. 

“We gonna need booze for this,” Steve declared and marched off to the bar. 

Ryan nodded. “Oh, we will definitely need that.” Louder he shouted after Steve, “Just get the drinks, don’t go checking on him.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Steve mumbled while stalking away, waving one hand dismissively over his shoulder.

Meanwhile Deran fought the feeling that he was standing on hot coals. He wanted to know what had happened. And he wanted to know it now!

Next to him Craig shifted from one foot to the other, apparently just as curious as Deran and at least half as worried.

After what felt like hours but had to have been mere minutes, Steve came back with a couple of beer bottles in hand and Jake in tow. There was still no sign of Adrian returning.

While Steve handed out the drinks, Jake told them the news. “They let Mick go last week. There wasn’t enough evidence to hold him. He told them he wanted to head to Bakersfield. No idea how he got the directions that much confused that he landed here. But at least dad is sure that he didn’t know about Adrian before. So running into him was bad luck, no intention on Mick’s side.”

“Well, that would be reassuring if we didn’t have to worry about Mick wanting to run into Adrian again,” Ryan rumbled darkly.

“Oh, he wants to,” Craig chimed in and Deran added, finally fed up enough that he couldn’t just listen any longer, “He said to Adrian that he wanted to talk later.”

“Talk,” Jake said and let out a snort that pretty much held all the derision of the world.

“Jesus, would you just tell us already what had happened?” Deran snapped. If they wouldn’t answer, he had no problem bringing his questions to Adrian.

Ryan took a long gulp from his bottle and sighed, after looking first at Craig, then at Deran as if searching for something in their faces. He seemed to find it, because he finally answered, “Last time Adrian and Mick had a run in, Adrian landed in the hospital.”

“Hospital?” Deran echoed, expecting his voice to sound hollow or hoarse, but it just came out as a low growl. He himself had managed to send Adrian to the hospital, but he had never reacted to Deran like this. Today not counting.

Jake took over with a dark undertone in his voice. “That homophobic asshole wen-”

“Jake!” Ryan cut in sharply, leaving no room for argument.

Jake argued anyway. “Adrian said they’re his friends. There is no way they wouldn’t know about that.”

They spoke so openly about it, without any hint of disgust in their behavior, that for a moment, Deran forgot to breathe.

Luckily Craig still had words left. “Don’t worry, we know about that,” he reassured the others, then motioned for them to continue. 

Jake immediately complied. “Like I was saying, that homophobic asshole went to town on Adrian with a crowba-”

“What the hell?” Seriously? Deran didn’t need the stone suddenly dropping in his stomach nor the chill that was busy running up and down his spine.

“Yes, a crowbar,” Jake confirmed. “That resulted in a broken wrist…” Here he trailed off and looked questioningly at Ryan who took over to list Adrian’s injuries with a grimace.

“Several cracked and fractured ribs, heavy bruising of stomach and chest, a bit of inner bleeding and a concussion severe enough that the doc worried about permanent brain damage for a while.”

Steve had been right. They so needed drinks for that. Deran just regretted that Steve had only brought beer and nothing stronger. He took a big gulp from his bottle anyway, needing something to do with his hands so that no one would notice just how hard they were shaking. 

Adrian could look after himself. He wasn’t fragile, Deran knew that. But take a crowbar to bones and everybody was suddenly fragile. Deran’s memory briefly flashed to the night he had broken into Adrian’s apartment. When he had left, he had waved a crowbar in Adrian’s face, but Adrian hadn’t reacted at all, had only looked vaguely annoyed, certainly not afraid. Why? After what had happened with Mick, shouldn’t crowbars send him running away screaming? Especially after Deran had proven that he was just as capable of hurting him as Mick had been.

Broken ribs, inner bleeding, possible brain damage. Those images alone would give Deran nightmares for the next few years. It certainly helped that he had seen Adrian alive and mostly well just a few minutes ago. It would help even more if he could see him right now.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Adrian finally returned to their table. His face had regained its usual color and while he still seemed tense, it was a lot less than when they had walked in. He chose the place next to Ryan, planting himself between him and Deran. On one hand, Deran was glad to see him again, on the other hand he was painfully aware of the statement Adrian was making: if you want to get to my friends, you have to go through me.

Deran got the message loud and clear. He just wasn’t sure if he was going to listen to it.

~AD~

After worshipping the porcelain god and giving him everything he had for breakfast, lunch, dinner and any snack in between, Adrian felt a lot better. Running into Mick had been an unpleasant surprise which resulted in most of his stomach rebelling. Seeing Deran and Craig had been a shock, the last push to send his stomach over the edge. He had absolutely no delusions that their meeting was pure coincidence. How the hell had they found him? More importantly, what did they want? And in how much danger were his friends?

Considering that Deran had a liking for sending his brothers after people he wanted out of the way, Craig hadn’t acted in any part as if he wanted to harm Adrian or his friends. Quite the contrary, the big guy had just pulled him into a hug. And if Adrian was honest with himself, then he should better acknowledge that Deran had looked as if he had wanted to do the same.

Catching Deran’s gaze had been a kick to the back door of his emotions, leaving everything he had held under lock and key out in the open. The love, the desire, the compassion, it was all still there. As were the disappointment, the fear and the rage. Adrian was filled up with so many different emotions, he felt ready to burst any moment. However, that moment was not now. Like his breakdown back then, this had to wait until later.

While staring into the mirror, he still wondered why Deran had tracked him down. He had wanted to have his fun with Adrian while being able to pretend he was straight and make the whole world believe it, too. Well, mostly Smurf. There had to be tons of guys in Oceanside who fit the bill better than Adrian.

How often had they clashed over Smurf and Deran’s dependence on her and her opinion? Up until Dave Adrian had resigned himself to the fact that while he had developed quite the crush and maybe more on Deran, he himself was not much more than a fling to Deran, a bit of fun with no strings attached. He had truly believed that.

Of course, there had been glimpses to the contrary. Belize could have been considered a love story all on its own. There were also a few nights when Deran had let his guard down that Adrian just knew there was more to their relationship than just sex. And of course, the night of Craig’s party, Deran practically begging. Still, Adrian hadn’t expected to rank high enough to get tracked down. At least not outside of Oceanside. Now he had the ominous feeling that all bets were off.

Adrian quickly rinsed his mouth and washed his face before hurrying out of the restroom and back to their table. From what he could see, they were all talking about something serious. Each one of them held a vague expression of getting ready to murder someone. Hopefully not each other.

“What did I miss?” he asked as he slid in between Ryan and Deran. From the first he accepted a beer, from the latter he got a worried glance. That one he didn’t expect. Come to think of it, Craig seemed equally worried. And that expression just didn’t look like it belonged on the big guy’s face.

“That asshole took a crowbar out on you?” Deran growled, his question as much an answer as anything else could have been.

Oh crap. Of course Deran would want to know about Mick. Equally unsurprising, his friends had readily spilled the beans.

He half wanted to snap that Deran was one to talk, but he kept quiet. There was no need to escalate the situation any more than it already threatened to. 

Deran wasn’t harmless, not by a long shot. Adrian knew that only too well. But the feelings Adrian harbored for Deran and the ones he spared for Mick belonged on two different ends of the scale.

And while Deran had sent him to the hospital, he had at least ‘only’ used his fists and feet. That didn’t make it okay by any means, and boy had it taken Adrian a while to figure that one out. To stumble head over heels into an abusive relationship… that was something that happened to other people, right?

Still, Adrian thought he knew Deran enough that while he might wave a crowbar under his nose in anger, he wouldn’t try and kill him with it. And what had happened in the public restroom had been Deran panicking, not trying to actively murder him. There was the fundamental difference between Mick and Deran. 

Mick would also never apologize for hurting Adrian. Deran had done so. Admittedly, it had only been a grudgingly muttered “I’m sorry, okay”, but he had at least acknowledged that he had gone too far. That day Deran had left without the rent. No one had come around to collect for the next two months either. And a week later Adrian had met Dave, not seeing much of Deran in the following months. Dave was a great guy, fun to be around and he wasn’t afraid of what anyone would think about his sexuality. In fact, he was out to all of his family and friends. To Adrian he was a rebound at first, considering Adrian had thought the incident in the public restroom had been Deran’s way of breaking up with him. He should have known better. But after trying to collect the rent and saying half-heartedly sorry, Deran had stayed away, longer than usual, not trying to contact Adrian again and Adrian in turn had felt no desire to go near Deran anytime soon.

Dave had been a welcome distraction that had morphed into a real friendship with easy grace. At least until Deran had barged back into Adrian’s life and had nearly stomped out Dave’s in the process. 

Dave had never understood why someone he had never met felt the sudden need to try and murder him and Adrian had never revealed his part in those events. He felt guilty enough already, he didn’t think he could take seeing the betrayal reflected back at him in Dave’s eyes. Dave might not have understood the message Deran had sent, but Adrian had. Just all too clearly. He had stayed away from Dave after that as much as possible, cutting down his visits to the hospital and after Dave had been released only met him within larger groups, never alone. He also began to avoid anyone else who showed even the slightest interest in him.

How often he had lain awake, either expecting a visit from Deran for sex or from Pope to come and finish what he had started with Dave, Adrian didn’t know. Suffice to say he hadn’t gotten much sleep these past months.

Adrian pulled himself back to the present. No use in wallowing in the past now. He had a ticking time bomb to keep from exploding at his hands.

“That was years ago,” Adrian finally answered, dreading where the conversation was headed. Mick had never been a pleasant topic.

Deran slammed his beer bottle down on the table with a resounding bang. Steve jerked away from the table with wide eyes. Everyone else went absolutely still, while Deran and Craig looked on suitably confused. 

“Steve, it’s okay,” Ryan reassured his friend in a low and comforting voice, reciting the date and, after a short look at his watch, the time. Then he added, “We’re in the Vortex. You’re home. There is no danger here.”

Absolute lie, Adrian thought. Or not. Ryan didn’t suspect that Deran and Craig were hell of a lot dangerous.

After a few tense seconds Steve finally took a deep breath and that eerie empty look left his eyes.  
“I think it’s time for me to get to bed,” he announced, looking more uncomfortable than Adrian had seen him in a long time. He chalked it up to Deran and Craig being here to witness this episode.

Ryan nodded and said, “Yeah, I think for me it’s time, too. I feel my leg.” After a second he added with a shrug, “Well, or the lack of it. Adrian?”

He wanted to tell Ryan that he would come with them, get a little distance between himself and Deran. On the other hand, did he really want to leave Jake alone with Deran and Craig? Didn’t feel like the best of ideas.

Before he could answer, Jake chimed in. “I can take you home later. Guess you and these guys have a bit of catching up to do. And I’m curious about your life in Oceanside.”

That would probably be for the best, Adrian suspected. So he nodded thankfully to his friend. “That’d be great.”

“Okay, see you later then,” Ryan said, squeezing Adrian’s shoulder in farewell. “And if you run into Mick again…”

“I have a gun and I know how to use it,” Jake supplied, tone as serious as he could get.

“Jake,” Adrian began, only to be interrupted by his friend. 

“What? There have to be some perks to being the sheriff’s son.”

Well, Deran and Craig certainly snapped to attention at that. Maybe the knowledge of how tight Adrian’s friends were involved with the law would keep them from doing anything stupid. Smurf’s reach might be long enough to pull them back to Oceanside if need be, but it wasn’t strong enough to mess with the local department of Inyo County Sheriff’s Office. 

Here’s to hoping anyway.

“Make sure it will be a head shot,” Steve put in as he made his way to the exit. “After shooting him in the balls first. Ryan and I will get out our service guns.”

Ryan traded a glance with Adrian. “I know I should strongly object, but I don’t actually disagree with them.”

Probably because he knew that Steve had given his service gun away a long time ago and Jake needed a far better reason to shoot someone than “I hate your guts”. They were both talking big, nothing more.

“Yeah,” Adrian conceded. “I know the feeling. See you later.”

“Later,” Ryan waved at them all, receiving a wave back from Jake and nods from Deran and Craig. The latter turned to Adrian with raised eyebrows as soon as Steve and Ryan were out of sight and asked, “Lack of leg?”

Seriously? Adrian had somehow expected another line of questions.

Jake stretched and muttered, “And there’s the next can of worms, ready to be opened.”

And it would have been, at least, if Steve had still been with them at the table. But Adrian could tell their tale without the flashbacks of all the horrifying things they had witnessed and that had happened to them. He just didn’t know if it was wise to explain to Deran and Craig all their weaknesses.

“Ryan and Steve were in Afghanistan. Steve got home with mental scars. PTSD. Ryan got home with physical ones. There had been a roadside bombing.” Adrian had to stop and take a breath. He still remembered when he got the call, still remembered the fear for Ryan’s life. “He was lucky he survived, but he lost half of his left leg.”

That had to be enough information. Maybe he wasn’t as equipped to tell their story as he had thought.

“Ouch,” Craig commented, eloquent as ever. “I thought he was walking a bit funny.”

“The prosthesis is a big help, but it’s certainly not as good as a real leg,” Adrian supplied, wondering when Deran would enter the conversation. He had been eerily silent these past few minutes.

“Okay, can we open another can of worms then? For example why you left Oceanside?” Jake effectively stopped one line of questioning with starting another. Adrian would have been grateful if Jake hadn’t chosen the one topic he had hoped to avoid.

“Nope,” was all he said. He certainly wouldn’t talk about it with Deran in hearing range, let alone while he stood right next to him.

Jake put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. “Damn,” he muttered. “At this rate I will never hear about your string of boyfriends there.”

“My what?” Adrian choked out, noticing how Deran’s grip on his beer bottle tightened to the point where Adrian was afraid he would end up with a broken bottle and splinters in his hand. Nor did he miss the half panicked glances Deran threw in every direction.

“So, no string of boyfriends then,” Jake nodded and noticing Deran’s expression, added, “Don’t worry, we’re a small town, but we’re also a tourist hot spot with lots of young travelers. There are not even half as many homophobic assholes running around here as you might expect. With the diverse people who stay here for their vacation, no citizen of this lovely little town could afford much of any prejudice. Wait a second and let me show you.”

Adrian didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or try to stop Jake because he knew exactly what was going to happen. In the end he just met Craig’s questioning gaze and shook his head, while Jake stood up straight, formed a funnel with his hands and shouted through it at the top of his lungs, “Listen up, people. I. AM. GAY!”

Adrian observed Deran out of the corner of his eyes, saw how he flinched when Jake told his sexual orientation for the whole world to hear and how he took in wide eyed the reactions or lack thereof from the other customers.

From the bar Grace hollered back, “We know, Jake!”

“Yeah, no need to tell us again!” Another voice, that sounded a lot like Norris, shouted from somewhere near the entrance, then added, “And please don’t try to tell us about your first time with Adrian. We don’t need the details! Again!”

“Wait, what?!” Adrian gasped out, because no, he certainly hadn’t seen that one coming. The other two looked far too interested for Adrian’s liking. And absolutely unsurprised, leaving Adrian all the more baffled. He had never actively hidden his interest in men, but he had never told any of the Codys about it. Except Deran and that had been more show than tell anyway. Now Craig seemed only missing a bowl of popcorn to fully enjoy the show, while Deran assessed Jake with a dark glint in his eyes.

Jake remained as unapologetic as ever. “What can I say? I was on cloud number nine and hammered beyond believe. I think I wanted to tell the whole world.”

“And you started with the Vortex?” Adrian shook his head in disbelief. Was this really his life?

“Seemed like a good idea at the time,” Jake answered. To Deran and Craig he said, “You see, I was his first-”

“Yeah, I think they got that, thank you,” Adrian interrupted him before he could dig his grave any deeper. 

Jake didn’t care, too far down memory lane to notice Adrian’s discomfort, Craig’s amusement or Deran’s seething. He leaned past Adrian and stage whispered to Deran and Craig, “You see, we were a lot of each other’s firsts-”

“And you don’t need to tell them that either,” Adrian snapped, beginning to fear for Jake’s life if the conversation carried on this way. “They didn’t come here to listen to our past.”

Especially Deran didn’t need to know just how many firsts Jake and Adrian had shared.

“Oh, I don’t know. I find it really enlightening, don’t you think, Deran?” Craig happily stabbed Adrian in the back. Adrian liked the big guy, really, he did, but in that moment he could have throttled him. Craig managed to get into his good graces again for a second, when he asked, “So, what do you guys do for fun around here?” 

But then he just had to add, “Except each other, I mean.”

Before Adrian could answer and at least try to defuse the situation, Jake let out an heartfelt “I wish!”

Murdering a deputy couldn’t be all that bad under extenuating circumstances, right?

The shot glass appearing in front of Adrian seemed to have manifested right out of his imagination. He turned to the side and looked at Grace who had come to their table bearing a tablet with more glasses and a bottle of vodka.

“You’re an angel, capable of reading thoughts,” Adrian hazarded. Guessing from Deran’s expression, she had just saved Jake’s life. Adrian also didn’t miss how Craig eyed Grace with interest and then some. He hoped the big guy wouldn’t do anything stupid. Grace might’ve been only half of Craig’s height, but she knew how to keep customers with grabby hands at bay pretty effectively if she didn‘t return the interest.

Grace barked out a laugh, while she handed out the glasses and began pouring the alcohol. “I know you guys. Doesn’t take a genius to know sooner or later you needed something stronger than beer. On the house.”

“Thanks, Grace,” Adrian said and added sincerely, “You are a treasure.”

Grace smiled at him, then tilted her head towards Deran and Craig. “Your friends?” she asked.

_Maybe_. “Yeah,” Adrian answered with less hesitation than before. For whatever reason they were here, at the moment it didn’t look like as if they wanted to stir up any trouble.

Surprised Adrian noticed how Grace lost a lot of tension Adrian hadn’t even known she had harbored before. He was however unsurprised to notice that she mustered Craig the same way he mustered her. He knew how this story would end and he didn’t begrudge them the experience. A bit of fun with no strings attached. 

Grace winked at Craig, smiled at the others and then turned to attend to the other customers. Craig’s grin threatened to tear his face apart.

Jake looked at his shot glass with longing, but then he pushed it back a bit with a sigh. “I’m not touching that if I have to drive up to the Eagle’s Nest.”

“Good,” Adrian said as he grabbed the glass and downed its content in one go. “More for me.” Grace had been right, he needed it.

“Atta boy,” Craig laughed and downed his own shot with a wide smile.

“What’s the Eagle’s Nest?” Deran asked. To Adrian he sounded suspicious, as if the phrase might be a code for some lover’s getaway.

“Ryan’s house was build halfway up one of the smaller mountains here. That’s why it got that nickname. Well, and because we really have a pair of eagles nesting near the house. Ryan says they still come back every year,” Adrian explained, the alcohol making it both easier and more difficult to hide his uneasiness. Then he added, just to steer the conversation in another direction and to answer Craig’s question, “Cedar Peak is a great place for snowboarding.”

“Yeah,” Jake chimed in enthusiastically. “Adrian, me and a few others wanted to go tomorrow. You two should totally come!”

“Of course!” The big guy looked like he couldn’t wait to hop on a board, regardless of the fact that there would be snow instead of water beneath it. 

“Sure, we’ll be there,” Deran answered, looking somehow smug about it. Adrian wondered if it was only the light that made Deran’s smile seem a touch sinister.

~AD~

Back at the hotel Deran flopped next to Craig onto one of the beds. His brother seemed to be more a relaxed puddle than a human being right now. No wonder, after making plans to go snowboarding the next day, he had excused himself, discreetly vanishing with Grace… somewhere, leaving Deran alone with Adrian and Jake. Awkward didn’t even begin to describe that fucked up situation. He had wanted to shoot Jake to the moon to talk to Adrian alone, get the right words out, but instead he had ended up with glowering at both of them for the rest of the evening. It had been a great start on his road to make amends. Really, he could only have done worse if he had punched Adrian. At least he hadn’t tried to bash Jake as he had done with Dave the first - and last - time they had met. It was a start, right? Right.

He considered punching something, just as his brother said, “Well, that could’ve gone better.”

“No shit,” Deran snorted, pissed at Craig, Ryan and Jake, at himself, at Adrian, hell, at the whole world.

“No really,” Craig continued. “I expected a lot, but not this kind of reaction. I’ve never seen Adrian wound up so tight. Poor guy looked as if we came to off him. Just how deep in the doghouse are you?”

Deran tightened his grip on the beer bottle just so he wouldn’t give in and smash it against the wall. “What, him leaving Oceanside in the middle of the night without a word to anyone didn’t give you the first clue?”

Craig didn’t answer, just took a sip from his own bottle and waited patiently. 

Deran knew his brother wouldn’t have to wait long for he could already feel the outburst rising in himself, until he finally exclaimed, “Okay. You want to know how bad I fucked up? I will tell you everything. But don’t say you haven’t been warned. You won’t like it.”

“Just start at the beginning,” Craig advised. 

Deran nodded. Easy. “So, Belize. That actually started out pretty good.”

“Wait,” Craig interjected, clearly baffled. “You guys started in Belize? Damn, I suspected that you’ve been together for a lot longer.”

Now it was Deran’s turn to be surprised. “Really?”

“Fuck yeah,” Craig nodded emphatically. “I mean, how do you think Pope figured it out? He missed Belize and everything that came after.”

“Yeah well,” Deran didn’t want to think how fucking obvious he must have been the whole time. “Anyway, after that row with Smurf I had to get away and I knew that Adrian took part in a few competitions in Belize. So I went to visit him.” Deran couldn’t help but smile when he remembered their time in Belize. It had been as close to perfect as possible. But when they got home, it had gone all downhill from there. So Deran took a deep breath and told Craig everything. Well, almost everything. From falling for Adrian way before Belize, to taking their relationship to the next level, returning from Belize and hiding their relationship, his panic over anyone finding out and him taking drastic measures to keep that from happening. He told him about how the jealousy just about burned him inside out when Dave entered the picture and the steps he took to get him out again. He held nothing back, just laid it all on the table for his brother to see.

When he finally ran out of words, he chanced his first glance at Craig since he had begun talking. Craig for his part just took a long drink from his bottle and leaned back against the wall behind the bed. “Oh boy, you _did_ screw up. Like epically.”

“Don’t tell me something I already know,” Deran snapped. “Rather tell me how I can fix this.”

“That’s not gonna be easy, bro. Honestly, half the time Adrian looked at you he seemed unable to decide if he had to throw himself in front of his friends or if it would be better to just run away,” Craig contemplated. “At least now I understand why he was that tense.”

Deran didn’t like to hear out loud what he himself thought. Still, he perked up because “the other half?”

Craig shook his head. “He was obviously wondering what you were doing here and why you brought me along. Hell knows what he thinks you’re planning.”

Nothing good, probably. Damn.

Adrian had never had a problem to stand up to Deran. Right up until Deran had sent Pope after Dave. As soon as Deran had threatened someone else, someone close to Adrian, he had bent to Deran’s will. At least for a while.

Of course, the tension Adrian displayed in Deran’s presence made all the more sense, especially if he feared that Deran had brought Craig to go after his friends. For a second, Deran was tempted. He could tell Adrian that he would leave his friends be if Adrian came back with him, if they could just start over. Shaking his head, Deran kicked the thought right back where it belonged, into a box labeled BAD IDEAS in big, bold letters. He had tried to go down that route once before, with the result that in the end, Adrian still had found the strength to stand up to him and had managed to vanish out of his life for several weeks. Deran couldn’t take the risk of that happening again. Who knew if Adrian wouldn’t surface again later on with that potential string of boyfriends Jake had hinted at. It was almost funny, how Adrian had looked worried that Deran might believe it, but not as if he himself did, when Jake had mentioned those imaginary potential boyfriends.

Oh, Deran could believe it alright. He had spent more than just the past two years noticing the looks Adrian drew from men and women alike, even if they went completely over Adrian’s head most of the time. Dave had been one of the few exceptions.

But Deran had the chance to make things right again before anyone else started to move in on Adrian. Tomorrow. This time he would get everything in the open without Jake or anyone else getting in the way. Somehow.


	4. I'm taking back my hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit very late, but this story continues! Yay! Fitting for this time of the year, you get a snowball fight!  
> You really don't want to know how often I changed this chapter, moving paragraphs up and down and sideways.  
> Anyway, thank you again for all the comments and kudos. You rock!

Adrian flew across the snow with practiced ease that came from years of experience. Above him stretched a cloudless blue sky and around him a white field of snow sprinkled with colorful dots, marking the position of other people with their skiers or snowboards. It was almost funny, how he still yearned for the opportunity to surf again, but he had missed this as well. Even though the board beneath his feet didn’t skim across waves but slid over snow, it was still a heady experience. 

He could easily make out Grace in her bright yellow ski suit as well as a few other members of the Cedar Pack. He overtook most of them, going a slalom-like route downhill, just as he had done often enough in the past.

For a few moments, he could pretend that Deran and Craig hadn’t found their way here, that nothing had changed. He had choices here. It was him who decided which party he wanted to attend, his decision which people to meet and which to avoid. It felt good. It felt like freedom. And he wouldn’t let anyone of the Cody family take that away again. Not now, not ever.

At the end of the slope he stopped, turning to watch the rest of the Cedar Pack arrive. His mind wandered back to the previous two evenings. To karaoke night when Jake had pushed him to sing more songs than he had during any other occasion. Jake had been right, Adrian conceded silently. It had felt damn good to sing “Over you” and get lost in the song, pretend that it was the truth. But he knew that he was far from being over Deran. He wondered if he would ever be.

He also thought about last night, when Deran had gone toe to toe with Mick. Adrian wasn’t sure who would win in a fair fight. Considering that both of them were not inclined to fight fair anyway, all bets were off. Adrian might have been biased, but he would still put his money on Deran any time.

Almost as if he had anticipated Adrian falling into a brooding mood again, Jake came to a sliding stop next to him. 

“They are not that bad,” he commented, watching Craig and Deran on their boards.

Adrian wasn’t quite as surprised as his friend. “They grew up surfing. Deran did even compete for a while. It’s relatively easy to take what you have learned for surfing and use that knowledge for snowboarding. I did it the other way around when I started to surf.” 

The knowledge of snowboarding had benefited him a lot back then. It hadn’t made it possible for him to keep up with Deran and his brothers when he had first met them, but he hadn’t acted like a bloody beginner either. He vividly remembered how Deran and he had hit it off from the start, how his grandpa hadn’t been all that happy that he hung out with those Cody kids, but there hadn’t been much he could have done against it apart from sending Adrian back to Cedar Peak. And although Adrian’s grandpa had not been able to look after Adrian permanently, he still had been keen on keeping the only family he had left around for the holidays. In turn, Adrian had felt exactly the same. The summers with his grandpa were still the ones he remembered most fondly.

“Again with the surfing,” Jake laughed. “Man, Steve has been right all along. You are a junkie.”

“Totally addicted,” Adrian agreed. “Although I might…”

“You might what?” Jake asked when Adrian trailed off.

“I might soon get my fix somewhere else than Oceanside,” Adrian finally decided on answering.

Jake snapped open the clasps and stepped off of his snowboard, casually asking, “Oh, how come?”

Too casual.

“I told you about Leilani?” Adrian asked, mimicking Jake’s moves. He continued, after receiving a nod from Jake in return, “She offered me to be partner of her shop.”

“I remember,” Jake said. “But wasn’t that already a while ago?”

“Yeah, well. The offer still stands. And… maybe it’s time, you know. For a change of scenery.”

Now he had Jake’s full attention, the piercing gaze that had already solved quite a few puzzles, that made Jake such a good deputy, boring into his eyes. “Adrian, man, I love you to pieces, but are you sure that this is what you really want? That you’re not just running away?” 

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out,” Adrian admitted.

“Who knows about your plans?” Jake asked next, still looking for all the world as though he wanted to win first prize at a quiz show.

“Only Ryan. And before you ask, he just said that it’s my decision and he would support me, no matter what I decide.”

Now Jake tilted his head to the side, adopting a confused puppy look that in turn confused Adrian for a moment until Jake queried, “What about your friends from Oceanside, you didn’t tell them?”

“Not yet.” Adrian shook his head. _Probably never._ “I don’t want to tell them about something that might never come to pass.” _Or give them any warning if it does._

Before Jake could bombard him with more questions, Deran and Craig came to a more or less controlled stop next to them, untangling themselves from their snowboards.

“That was so great!” Craig enthused, smile almost as bright as the snow around them.

Deran didn’t seem all that overwhelmed. “Surfing’s better,” he declared. Adrian agreed. Silently.

“I know someone who thinks exactly the same way,” Jake said with a roll of his eyes, tilting his head towards Adrian.

“You would feel the same if you got an invitation to the Uglies,” Adrian shot back without neither heat nor thought.

He could almost see the question mark appearing above Jake’s head. “The what?”

Deran and Craig on the other hand knew exactly what he was talking about. Craig’s hand landed hard on his back as he shouted out, “Really, man? Congrats, that’s great!”

Deran smiled as well. At him. For a few moments, he appeared absolutely relaxed and proud of what Adrian had accomplished. For a few moments, it was almost as if he was the man he had been in Belize. The man Adrian had loved. Still loved.

“That’s really good news,” Deran said and he even sounded sincere. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Adrian told them, feeling tense and giddy and generally too many emotions at once.

Grace saved him by sliding past and gripping his arm on the way, pulling him along.

“Sorry guys, I have to kidnap him for a girls’ talk,” she called over her shoulder, causing Jake to almost collapse into a laughing fit.

“Since when am I a girl?” Adrian snorted the question out, trying not to think about the absolute baffled look on Deran’s face while Craig had looked as if he wanted to join Jake and get lost in laughter.

“You’re an honorary one,” Grace answered without missing a beat.

“Since when?” He repeated.

“Since you know all the hottest guys on the planet.”

“What’s this all about?” Adrian wanted to know as soon as they came to a stop out of hearing range from the others. Although he already had a pretty good idea. It didn’t escape his notice how Grace stood in a position where she had a perfect view on Craig. 

She confirmed his suspicion as she asked in return, “Do you think Craig might be interested in a round two?”

“How the hell should I know? I don’t really keep track on how often he jumps into bed with whom, okay?” Adrian said, but continued when he saw Grace’s face fall in disappointment. “Honestly? I can’t see why not. But best way to find out, would be to just go and ask him. How about that?”

Grace grinned and bopped him in the side with her elbow. “Why didn’t you say so to begin with?”

Then she kissed him on the cheek before turning around and heading back to the others. Adrian followed her with a grin of his own, but that vanished as fast as it had found its way on his face when he noticed that Jake had already moved on to another group of Cedar Pack members. That left only Deran when Grace pulled Craig away with a promising smile. Craig for his part happily followed along, leaving Deran and Adrian standing together in awkward silence.

Adrian wasn’t sure what he wanted to ask first or if he wanted to speak to Deran at all. Just because he had behaved more or less civil so far didn’t mean that he would continue to do so. And Adrian had to admit that he was afraid what Deran might say, who he might threaten if Adrian gave him the chance to say his piece.

On the other hand… he needed answers. This uncertainty couldn’t go on forever. So he finally got his shit together and asked, “What do you want, Deran? Why are you really here?”

He was proud of himself, because his voice didn’t waver in the slightest, contrary to Deran, who looked as if he was on the brink of freaking out. His eyes went wide as they flitted over Adrian’s face, off to the side and back again. He opened his mouth to answer, but he didn’t get out more than “I…” before falling silent again. 

Then determination washed away the uncertainty from Deran’s features when he fixated on a point somewhere behind Adrian’s left ear. But he still didn’t answer.

Before Adrian could really think about what else he was going to say, Deran grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him down and behind a snow drift. 

Adrian opened his mouth to ask what the hell Deran was thinking when a snowball flew over their heads and landed harmlessly in the snow somewhere behind them. Had they still been standing, it would have smacked Adrian right in the face.

Deran turned to Adrian and asked, “You okay?”

Adrian snapped his mouth shut again or he would have ended up staring at Deran as if he had grown two heads or a set of wings. “Yeah, thanks,” he finally got out after a few seconds of staring at Deran anyway, whose hand still lingered on Adrian’s arm. They had long since dived to safety, he could take it back any time now. But despite all his misgivings, Adrian couldn’t bring himself to shake off the familiar touch. That was bad. He was already in far too deep again, without even having really talked to Deran.

Then another snowball flew past them and Adrian decided that this conversation could wait. Deran seemed to think the same because he turned his focus to whoever challenged them to a snowball fight. Well, they wanted a fight? They could have one!

Adrian began forming snowballs, choosing easily the perfect size for throwing. It got even easier as Deran’s arm finally fell away. When Deran turned back to Adrian with an even more determined expression on his face than before, he stopped short whatever he wanted to say and just stared at the snowballs Adrian had already amassed.

“What?” Deran asked, determination making way for bemusement as he reached out and took a snowball in his hand, looking for all the world as if he was carefully testing its weight.  
“Well, we need some ammunition to defend ourselves, don’t you think?” Adrian shot back and took a snowball up for himself.

“Hell yeah!” Deran grinned at him fiercely, turned around and threw the snowball. From the other side of the snow drift Adrian heard a surprised “Umph!” that sounded suspiciously like Jake. He deserved it, for leaving him alone with Deran, Adrian decided and left his cover just long enough to throw his own snowball at Jake who was too slow to duck away.

And that’s how they found themselves in the middle of a full blown snowball fight. Adrian wasn’t quite sure if there were any groups, it seemed more like everyone against everyone, but behind their snow drift, just the two of them, Adrian and Deran acted as a team, keeping each other’s back safe and generally giving as good as they were getting.

~AD~

When Grace grabbed Adrian and just pulled him away, Deran felt the high from snowboarding vanish. He wanted to grab Adrian’s other arm and pull him away from Grace, even though he knew that the barkeeper was hardly any competition. He had more to worry about Jake who still giggled like a little girl.

“Seriously, man?” he asked, but Jake just shook his head, getting his bearings again. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment. Grace had looked at Adrian the whole day as if she wanted to discuss the world’s biggest secrets with him and now she has him in her clutches. There’s no escaping an interrogation by Grace, believe you me. I’ve been there more than once.”

“What do you think she wants to talk about?” Deran asked, following Jake’s gaze towards Adrian and Grace and how they put their heads together.

Jake shrugged. “Don’t know. Maybe she gets him to spill why he suddenly arrived here in the middle of the night. I mean, it’s been roughly three weeks. He never stays this long and he never stops by without a warning first. Whatever happened that chased him away, it had to be pretty damn big.”

Guilt wasn’t a feeling that was completely unknown to Deran. He had felt guilty often enough, mostly about how he had treated Adrian. But this? This was worse, a black hole opening in his stomach and sucking all his guts inside, leaving him feeling hollowed out and missing an important piece of himself.

“They don’t look like they are talking about something serious like that,” Craig observed, effectively pulling Deran out of his self loathing. He was right. Both Adrian and Grace had smiles on their faces.

“Damn, so no lifting of any secrets.” Jake sounded disappointed. With a shake of his head he turned to a few other people who had arrived at the end of the slope and who were also part of   
the Cedar Pack as far as Deran had learned.

Deran on the other hand felt relief flood him and he soaked it up like water in the desert. If Adrian hadn’t told anyone here who had been responsible for him leaving Oceanside, then he might have a chance to talk Adrian into coming back without anyone trying to keep him away from Adrian. He just needed a moment or two alone with him.

As if she had read his thoughts, Grace turned and headed for Craig and him, Adrian following in her wake. They only had exchanged a few words. That was one of the shortest talks Deran had ever witnessed. Though he didn’t get the chance to wonder about it any longer because his brain short circuited when Grace smiled winningly at Craig and started to pull him away. Craig easily followed along, a smile appearing on his own features and obviously not caring that he left Deran all alone with Adrian.

To make matters worse, Adrian’s smile vanished as soon as he noticed that it was only him and Deran, gaze searching for someone else - Jake, of all people! - before turning back to him.  
This was too soon. Deran couldn’t think of any words he wanted to say, couldn’t think of any way to explain why he and Craig were here, that he wanted to apologize. He couldn’t even bring one word, one simple word like ‘sorry’ past his lips.

In turn Adrian stared at him apprehensively as if he was wondering if he really wanted to talk to Deran or rather find a group of people where he would feel safer.

The guilt was back, the little monster happily chomping on his insides without a care in the world.   
In the end Deran watched apprehensively as Adrian pulled himself up to his full height and finally asked, “What do you want, Deran? Why are you really here?”

Deran wanted to answer Adrian’s questions. Really, he did. He had expected them to come a hell of a lot sooner anyway, but they still managed to catch him by surprise. His words got lost somewhere between his brain and his mouth, nothing more than a lost little “I…” coming out. When he finally opened his mouth to say something else - he still had no idea, what - he noticed movement behind Adrian.

At first he was so glad about the distraction, that it took him a moment to understand what he was seeing. As soon as he did, he acted mostly out of instinct, grabbing Adrian and pulling him out of the line of fire. They had barely landed behind the snow drift that he already turned to Adrian to ask if he was okay.

Adrian stared at him as if he didn’t quite comprehend what had just happened, but after the first snowball cut through the air right where they had been standing only seconds ago, he finally answered, “Yeah, thanks.”

Deran forced himself to turn his attention back to Jake and the rest of the Cedar Pack as the next snowball missed them by about a mile and a half. Jake and the others seemed to be gearing up for a snowball fight, shouts, laughter and snowballs flying in wild disarray through the air. They would need some snowballs, too. And fast.

When he turned back to Adrian, he could only stare for a moment at the amount of snowballs resting between them, ready to be used.  
“What?” he found himself asking, more out of surprise than confusion.

Adrian answered while he reached out and grabbed one of the snowballs he had just formed. “Well, we need some ammunition to defend ourselves, don’t you think?”

“Hell yeah!” Deran agreed, feeling a smile threatening to tear his face apart. He could work with that. 

His aim proved to be as true as ever, considering that Jake got a face full of snow. The surprised sound he let loose really was worth it. Then the next snowball hit Jake before he could dive for cover. Turning to the side, Deran saw Adrian duck next to him again, his satisfied expression reminding him of the cat that got the canary.

He wanted to kiss Adrian or at least give him a high five, but suddenly the air was filled with white projectiles whizzing past them or aimed somewhere else entirely. Deran had never been in a snowball fight before, but he found it was fun, even if it was wildly different from, say, playing laser tag. You still shot at your opponents, but you found your weapon of choice just laying all around, waiting to be formed and equipped and you couldn’t carry a whole lot of ammunition around. Better to find a good to defend hiding place, stack your snowballs there and shoot everyone who came too close. Easy enough, found Deran. Especially as he had a partner in Adrian who didn’t only know the game but also the weak spots of their opponents.

The fight only lasted until Grace returned with Craig. A few moments later Ryan and Steve joined them. All in all it was over far too soon. And of course, just after calling in the end of the fight, Jake pulled Adrian away from Deran to the rest of the Cedar Pack. Adrian easily followed along without a backward glance. Go figure.

Well, they had at least spent the whole day together even if they had exchanged just a few words.  
Snowboarding had been fun, Deran silently admitted to himself. Well, most of the fun had been watching Craig land on his ass time and again. For them trying to learn snowboarding on the go, it had gone quite well. At least there had been no broken bones, just the occasional fall into the snow. Jake, Adrian and the rest of the Cedar Pack had been surprisingly patient teachers. Well, surprising in Jake’s case anyway. Deran already knew that Adrian could harbor a seemingly infinite reserve of patience. But even that could run out eventually.

Just remembering his own tries, brought his thoughts back to watching Adrian on a snowboard. Even though nothing had happened, he still had felt doubtful seeing him race down the mountain together with Jake. Those boards could go damn fast. Admittedly, that had been half the fun.

He knew that going surfing was just as dangerous as speeding down a mountain with a snowboard. Deran at least tried to tell himself that. But Adrian knew the ocean, knew how to surf. Just how much did he know about snowboarding? And since when had he turned into such a damn mother hen?

Finding himself next to Ryan, Deran couldn’t help but voice his doubts about Adrian’s talents.  
He didn’t even really know what he said, just that he was worried, but all things considered it probably had come out extremely dubious. 

Ryan didn’t take offense on Adrian’s behalf but he did laugh for what felt like a minute until he finally explained, “You know, Adrian has practically grown up with a snow- and a surfboard attached to his feet. He has learned snowboarding here in Cedar Peak and has taken surf lessons as long as I can remember. Really, every holiday he could get away to the coast, he would visit his grandpa in Oceanside and spent most of his time there learning to surf. I think his grandpa was the one who awakened his longing for the sea in him. But maybe it was all on Adrian himself. Who knows.”

Of course Deran remembered Adrian’s visits to Oceanside and his first tries on a board. It was how they had met after all. He also remembered talking to Adrian about snowboarding and Adrian telling him with all the surety of a twelve-year old that surfing was so much better. 

The skepticism remained anyway. But what Ryan added, seemed to ring true. “Doesn’t matter if it’s a snow-, skate- or surfboard. As long as Adrian can put both of his feet on it, he’ll be okay.”

At least they all made it down the mountain alive and unharmed. It did well for an adrenaline kick, but Deran found that he still liked surfing better. Well known common ground with Adrian. Maybe he should start his next try to talk to him there? With surfing? Even when they had been at their worst, they still had been able to enjoy surfing together.

~AD~

Now all of them were gathered in Ryan’s kitchen making dinner together. Deran still didn’t quite know how that had happened. But he heard Craig wonder aloud and Adrian’s answer. “Don’t question the whirlwinds that are Jake and Steve. Alone they’re strong. Together, they’re unstoppable.”

Ryan’s hand landed briefly on Adrian’s shoulder on his way to the stove. “Ain’t that the truth,” he laughed, while Deran gripped the knife tighter he had found himself presented with.

Jake let himself fall onto a chair between Deran and Steve, his grin taking the edge off the words he threw out a second later. “Get the knife away from the psycho!”

Promptly he earned himself a slap to the head by Ryan who remarked, “Watch it, I’m the only one qualified here to make such an assessment.”

Deran looked down at the knife in his hands and back to Jake, wondering if his thoughts were so easy to read on his face. But he wasn’t that far gone. Yet. While it irked him to know about the past Jake and Adrian shared, he silently raged at the closeness Adrian and Ryan displayed. More often than not they were in each other’s space, touching an arm or a shoulder. How often had he seen Ryan’s hand land between Adrian’s shoulder blades for a brief touch just the way Deran used to do when he was feeling daring? 

The need to touch burned right beneath his skin, but Adrian was off limits. At least for now.

Then Steve sighed and handed his knife over to Jake, who took it with a grin and began cutting vegetables as if he had learned it in a five star restaurant. That’s when it began to sink in that Jake had never meant Deran to begin with.

Deran knew a bit about psychos. Hell, his own brother was one and he got along with Pope on most days. So he asked, “Psycho?”

Steve shrugged as he answered. “They are afraid that I get lost in an PTSD episode and start our own version of a slasher flick.”

“Jake is afraid, the rest of us is not,” Ryan interjected Steve’s explanation, calmness and steel in his voice.

“It did happen once,” Jake protested, which caused Adrian and Ryan to protest in unison. “Almost.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, I was alone with Sharon and had an episode in the kitchen, with so many knives around. The thought of what I could have done to her was more terrifying than anything that I had experienced in Afghanistan. That was the first time I packed my things and came to visit Ryan. It wasn’t the last, but that was the only time I was afraid I could ever hurt my wife. And I’ve been better for a while now.”

“What did Sharon say when you called her today?” Adrian asked as he leaned over Jake’s shoulder to fetch the bowl with onions. He handed it over to Ryan who in turn gave him a spoon which Adrian gave to Jake. He tasted the sauce on it and passed his judgment. “Needs more salt.”

Ryan nodded and turned back to the stove.

“She and our daughter miss me and I miss them. Very much,” Steve told them. “But they’re both good. They were even better when I told them that I’d come home soon. Sure you haven’t heard Nadja’s shouts of joy?”

“Nah, I missed that,” Adrian answered with an easy smile while he took the paprika from Craig. 

Deran would have missed the slight hesitation when Adrian moved near him, if he hadn’t been watching him like a hawk. Even so he almost didn’t see it, but the implication sent a churning feeling through his guts so that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to eat anything they were preparing right now. He didn’t know what pissed him off more, that Adrian thought he came here to harm him and his friends or that history had shown that Adrian’s fear wasn’t unfounded. Deran liked to claim that he had changed, but considering his feelings towards Jake and Ryan, the potential violence strumming through his body, ready to be released at any moment, spoke volumes to the contrary. 

Yesterday he had told Craig almost everything. What he hadn’t told him was that he was willing to do everything necessary to get Adrian back. He just wasn’t sure yet what that would entail. But he was here to figure it out. The only thing keeping him from going after Jake and especially Ryan was the knowledge that while it would give him brief satisfaction, he would lose Adrian in the long run.

“You sure know your way around a knife,” Deran said, turning most of his focus on Jake’s expert chopping. The rest of his attention remained on Adrian, who had joined Ryan at the stove but had turned around to follow Deran’s conversation with Jake.

“Before I went into the same business as my dad, I wanted to become a chef. Sadly, that plan didn’t work out,” Jake explained without a hint of disappointment that he hadn’t been able to get his dream job. 

“He managed to burn soup,” Adrian helpfully supplied with a small smile.

“Tomato sauce,” Jake protested. “It was tomato sauce.”

“Somehow, that doesn’t make it any better,” Craig said, just on the brink of laughing out loud.

“Anyway, I learned a lot about finding my way around a kitchen before I decided that maybe being a deputy would be a better career choice for me.”

“What are we making now anyway?” Deran asked, suddenly feeling slightly suspicious.

“My special sauce,” Jake declared proudly, while brandishing his knife in no particular direction.

Craig eyed him as dubiously as Deran felt. “Not the one you used to burn, I hope.”

Jake pointed the knife first at Craig, then at Adrian who still stood several feet away at the stove. “You knew they wouldn’t let me live that down, didn’t you?”

“Course I did,” Adrian answered, pushing the knife down without batting an eye as he approached the table again. This time, he got the rest of the vegetables Deran and Jake had chopped. “Take it as revenge after the stunt you pulled yesterday.”

“What kind of stunt?” Ryan asked, while Steve immediately perked up, probably sensing a great story.

“I learned that he used to air dirty laundry in the Vortex,” Adrian grumbled, his nose scrunched up as if he smelled something funny.

Ryan and Steve exchanged a glance and Deran had the feeling they could barely keep their smirks at bay. 

“Ah, that story,” Ryan said, nodding wisely.

Adrian turned to him with an incredulous look on his face. “You knew?”

Steve was the one who answered, a snort of laughter escaping him. “Kiddo, we’ve been there that night.”

Adrian’s eyes turned heavenward with a groan. “Shoot me now.”

~AD~

After dinner, Adrian and Steve made short work of the dishes, while Ryan herded their guests into the living room. Adrian had still some difficulties wrapping his mind around the fact that Deran and Craig had come to Cedar Peak and genuinely acted as if they were just here to have a good time.

Was he really paranoid, thinking they were here because of him? No, he doubted that. He hadn’t missed the glances Deran had thrown him. Or Jake and Ryan for that matter. 

“Next time we decide to race each other, we deposit Ryan at the finish line,” Steve decided while he filled the dish washer, yanking Adrian out of his thoughts. 

Adrian couldn’t help but agree. He also found it hard to believe how they had missed who had won their race yet again. “Yeah, that certainly would be helpful. Or we just let him do the dishes next time.”

“I like your way of thinking,” Steve grinned. Within minutes their task was done and they joined the others in the living room, where beer and conversation flowed freely.

Jake leaned into the direction where Craig and Deran were sitting on one couch. “Guys, tell me why Adrian left Oceanside. Because he doesn’t talk jack shit about it. Or did you get him to talk, Ryan?”

Ryan shook his head, his answer resulting in Adrian giving him a thankful smile as he made his way to the other couch to sit next to him. “I was wise enough not to try.”

Jake of course, as always, didn’t know when to stop. “Was it because of a break up? Do we need to go there and beat someone up?”

Adrian sighed, painfully aware of how much Deran and Craig had taken an interest in the turn of the conversation. “Jake, let it go.”

Jake definitely wasn’t all that sober anymore, as he jumped halfway off the armchair, pointing a finger at Adrian. “Aha, I knew it. A break up. Did you love the guy?”

Adrian, uncomfortably aware of Deran’s piercing gaze, stayed silent.

For Jake that’s answer enough. “Of course you did, you wouldn’t have been with him otherwise. Not like me, I’m more a one-night-stand guy.”

Adrian perked up, seeing a welcome change in topic. “Oh yeah? When did that happen?”

Jake answered plaintively, “You know, I was in love once. Really great guy. Shame he booked it for the ocean the moment he was legal. Left a broken heart in his wake. Never have been in a serious relationship again after that.”

So much for the welcome change in topic, Adrian thought. Even if no one else did, he certainly noticed Deran’s clenched fist. “Jake, come on, we were in high school. That’s ages ago.”

Jake didn’t let himself get deterred. “I bet you left a broken heart in Oceanside, too.”

Adrian pressed his lips together and didn’t answer.

“Sure he did,” Craig chimed in, easily relaxed on the couch. As if he knew what he was talking about.

“The guy deserved it,” Deran added and when Adrian’s eyes shot to him, wide in surprise, he mumbled, “that’s what I heard. Didn’t like it at all, but he deserved it.”

Craig rolled his eyes.

Jake, curious as ever, wanted to know, “And where did you hear that?”

“I talked to the guy,” Deran explained, which drew a snort from his brother. 

“Talking. So that’s what you call it these days”, Craig wondered, probably thinking that Deran had beaten the ex up on Adrian’s behalf. But while Deran sometimes seemed hellbent on self destruction, he seldom beat himself up over anything. So the thought of Deran doing any talking to himself resulted in Adrian’s lips twitching upward for a fraction. Deran met his gaze with a tentative little smile.

Ryan effectively broke the moment when he asked, “You guys staying here tonight? There’s enough room for everyone.”

Jake agreed, full of enthusiasm. “Hell yeah!” 

It wasn’t as if he’d been able to drive anywhere for the next few hours anyway.

Deran and Craig exchanged a glance and agreed, too. 

Steve raised his beer to Ryan. “You should think of leaving the therapist’s business behind and consider opening up a hotel here.”

“What kind of therapist are you, anyway?” Deran asked Ryan. Was there something like a challenge in his voice or did Adrian only imagine it?

“The kind that helps PTSD patients through, well, life and everything that comes with it. There are a few meetings in Three Rivers I attend regularly, but mostly I work from home, being on the phone and answering e-mails,” Ryan answered easily.

“And then there’s me,” Steve added with a little grin and a shrug. “I’m the only one he attends to personally.”

“Why?” Craig’s question, short and curious.

“Because we’ve known each other since we were little. We grew up together, we went to Afghanistan together and I knew I would trust no other therapist with the stories I had to tell,” Steve answered without hesitation.

Adrian could practically see the gears turning in Deran’s head. “Isn’t there some kind of conflict of interest or something like that with you two being this… close?”

“Everyone wondered about that,” Ryan conceded with a shrug. “But we convinced them to give it a try. And so far there have been no complaints.”

“A few setbacks for sure,” Steve added. “But they were to be expected anyway, so no surprise there.”

The conversation rolled around like that, touching on topics like surfing and snowboarding, Oceanside and Cedar Peak. They talked more about Ryan’s work and about Steve’s family, which gave him the opportunity to proudly show around the pictures of his wive and daughter he carried around in his wallet and in his phone. Grace and the Vortex came as easily up in their conversation as did the Cedar Pack, the only known wolf pack roaming the area and the clique of the same name that Jake and Adrian had been part of during their time in school and that still existed in a way.

Some hours later, Steve let loose with a giant yawn. “That’s my cue. I’m heading off to bed. Good night, guys.”

Everyone chimed in with their good night wishes, then their conversation turned back to Grace and how she had managed to built up the Vortex from the ground.

Some time later that night, Ryan leaned over to Adrian and said quietly, so no one else would hear, “Your shivering rocks the whole couch.”

Okay, point. Adrian felt cold, but he somehow found it hard to tear his gaze away from the scene in front of him. It was like worlds colliding, the most important people to him from Cedar Peak and from Oceanside, sitting together, talking and getting along. And he still couldn’t help but wonder if this was the calm before the storm.

Pushing himself into a standing position, he was ready to leave the room only to be stopped by Jake’s question. “Hey, where do you think you are vanishing to?”

“Need more layers,” Adrian answered truthfully, barely suppressing another shiver.

He could have sworn he heard Deran mutter “of course” under his breath, lips twitching into a slight smile. It was enough to make Adrian feel a little warmer.

~AD~

Jake stared after Adrian and sighed. Deran could understand him, loathe he might be to admit it. Didn’t mean he had to say a word about it.

When Craig nudged him, he realized that he had been alternately staring at Jake and the doorway Adrian had vanished through. He looked back at Craig who inclined his head towards Ryan. Deran felt a nowadays all too familiar knot form in his stomach for the calculating gaze Ryan threw at Jake didn’t bode well.

“Hey Jake,” Ryan finally said, his voice strangely devoid of any emotion, his face eerily blank. Jake swiveled around to look at Ryan. “Yeah?”

“You know this saying? I bet in your line of work you’ve come across it a few times.”

“What do you mean?” Jake tilted his head at Ryan’s words, the picture of innocence, while in Deran’s stomach a black pit of dread opened up. Whatever would come next, it wouldn’t be anything good.

“No means no. You know about that, right?”

“Of course I know about that,” Jake answered, staring at Ryan in confusion. Deran could pinpoint the exact moment realization dawned and Jake began to sputter, looking through the doorway and back to Ryan as if any point Ryan was trying to make was lost somewhere in between. “I haven’t… I would never… You know that!”

In the past few days Deran had never seen Jake like this, lost for words, easy confidence buried under confusion, his whole body language conveying just how taken aback he really felt.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I know.” Ryan nodded once before turning his attention to Deran and Craig. “That guy Adrian was with in Oceanside, did he ever…?”

It probably meant something, that Ryan wasn’t capable of saying those dreaded words out loud.   
Deran understood him just the same, as well as Jake had. His answer was equally negative and equally forceful. 

“What? No!” Deran snapped, as appalled as Jake was, but not nearly as lost for words.

“You sure Adrian would have told you?” Ryan wanted to know.

“Of course,” Deran answered, because Adrian would have said no to him if he really hadn’t wanted to, right?

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too,” Ryan said. “But he doesn’t talk about what has happened. At all.” For the first time since he had begun talking, his blank expression fractured and he looked as if it cost him dearly to admit this much.

Deran glanced at Craig. His brother looked almost as taken aback as he felt but there was also a pondering expression on his face that Deran wanted to punch away. It seemed as if he wondered if Deran would be capable of what Ryan had hinted at. 

He wasn’t. He really wasn’t. Right?

Deran shot out of his seat and stalked out of the room. Ryan might have handled Adrian with kid’s gloves but Deran wouldn’t. He needed to talk to him and set everything straight. Most of all he needed the assurance that what Ryan suspected had never happened.

After trying a few doors Deran finally found Adrian’s room, where he had gone to get a sweat jacket. He was just shrugging into it and turning to the door when Deran all but barged in. 

“We need to talk,” he said to Adrian’s raised eyebrows and then ran out of steam for a moment, just taking in Adrian, his surprised expression, his body hidden under more layers than Deran had ever seen him wearing in Oceanside.

“I never…” he started, then had to stop and try again. “I haven’t ever… you know…” Damn it, since when had he forgotten how to form complete sentences?

With his next try he got all the way to “Ryan just mentioned…” when Adrian’s face, open in confusion just a second ago, abruptly closed off.

“I think I know what Ryan has hinted at,” he interrupted Deran, voice as expressionless as his face.

For a moment Deran reluctantly marveled at the similarity between Ryan back in the living room and Adrian right here in front of him, then he snapped back to the present and the situation at hand.

“I never have, right?” he asked, barely recognizing the desperate edge to his own voice.

Adrian’s expression remained unreadable as he answered, “You were there, too. You should know.”

“I never have, right?” Deran repeated, words driven out by an urgency that was caused by the dread and tension he felt building steadily up inside.

After seconds that seemed like hours, Adrian finally shook his head. “No,” he conceded. “You never did.”

The relief crashing into Deran almost overwhelmed him. He had been right. Deep inside, he had known that, but hearing Adrian confirm that his fear had been unfounded… Deran let out a long breath he hadn’t even been aware of holding in and slumped against the door frame, knees traitorously weak.

Adrian regarded him with another long look before he tentatively reached out, clasping Deran’s shoulder as he went to leave the room.

Deran’s hand shot out without a conscious thought and grasped Adrian’s wrist. Not tight enough to hurt him, but strong enough that he would have to fight to break the grip.

After an almost imperceptible flinch, Adrian stood motionlessly in front of him, staring at him with a blank face.

Deran stared back, his thumb drawing gentle circles on the inside of Adrian’s wrist. It occurred to him then that this was the longest eye contact they had had since he and Craig had arrived in Cedar Peak. He found himself as unwilling to let go as he had been since the beginning. And maybe for the first time since Craig’s party and the disaster that had followed, he actually believed that things weren’t quite as hopeless as he had suspected. Even though he felt yet again unable to form the right words.

Whatever parts of his thoughts showed through on his face, it caused Adrian’s expression to soften and a little bit of the light Deran had so sorely missed returned to Adrian’s eyes.

Following that one look, Deran’s fingers lost all of their previous tension. So when Adrian pulled his hand from Deran’s shoulder, his wrist easily slid out of Deran’s lax grip. And when Adrian returned to the living room, Deran made no move to stop him. He just stayed leaning against the door frame, knees too wobbly with relief to stand, heart bursting with a feeling he had thought lost and forgotten.

Hope.


	5. Taking back my goals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of the ten people actually reading this story: I’m so sorry that it took me so long to update, I just had the great idea to rewrite this chapter from scratch because it was too short. And that… well, that got a little bit out of hand. Kinda.  
> And I might've taken a scene from the movie "Druid Peak", altered it a bit and put it in here.  
> Hope you enjoy.  
> As always, thank you so much for every comment and every kudos. They make my day!

Adrian’s wrist burned, right where Deran had gripped it. He could still feel Deran’s touch on his skin. What had he been thinking, reaching out like that? Hadn’t he learned at all? He should have known that Deran would latch onto that gesture, pounce onto the weakness like a lion onto a gazelle. Was he really ready to get dragged back into Deran’s orbit, because of puppy eyes and a half-assed apology? Not even that, come to think of it.

But Deran had let him go, Adrian told himself. Although for all he knew this could just be the calm before the storm. He still had no idea what Deran had planned or how his plans might have changed, because he certainly hadn’t expected Jake. Or Ryan and Steve, but that was another story. At least Deran hadn’t sent Craig after anyone. Or had gone after anyone himself.

Adrian shook his head. He should have asked him, instead of staring at him like Bambi, all wide eyed and unable to move a single muscle. For how much he had dreaded Deran’s touch, he had missed it, too. And the way Deran had looked at him, it was enough to break through his defenses, to make him weak. A few seconds longer and he would have agreed to anything Deran might have suggested. It was a damn good thing that Deran had spoken no more words and Adrian had been able to make his escape. Who knew what otherwise might have happened.

Adrian wasn’t sure what he was more afraid of. What Deran would have done… or he himself. 

When he got back to the living room, he was still reeling from his encounter with Deran, but that didn’t mean he was blind to the picture presented to him. Ryan sat tight lipped and tense, while Jake looked unnaturally pale under the olive complexion of his skin. Even Craig, busy with worrying his lower lip, gave him a gaze that seemed to ask the one question that Deran hadn’t really gotten out before. 

Even without Deran telling him that Ryan had poised that question, even without eavesdropping on Steve and Ryan talking about their worries, he would have known that there was only one person who would fear that something like this might have happened and that this person would set out to find out the truth, talking it out with other people as well.

He should have told Ryan everything. And a hell of a lot sooner, too.

Problem was, he hadn’t been able to get any words out. Even now, he still didn’t know what to say. 

Just seeing them all so tense and worried, the relaxed atmosphere from before long since gone, Adrian longed to reassure them that everything was alright. Or would be, given enough time. It had only taken a few words to appease Deran’s fears. 

Why couldn’t he say them out loud now? Maybe it was because Deran knew their history. He didn’t have to explain to him anything else. Here and now, he would have to tell them about what had really happened. A short, “Relax, guys, I haven’t been raped” would never be enough to ease their worries. It would only draw out more questions.

Of course there was the easy way out. He could pretend that Deran hadn’t stormed after him to ask that damn question and he could pretend that he didn’t know about the suspicion Ryan and the rest of them harbored.

But he had always tried to go the right way, not the easy one. Why should he veer off course now? He hadn’t done so with Deran, he wouldn’t do it here.

“Hey Ryan, can I talk to you for a minute?” Adrian finally asked. 

Before Ryan could answer, Jake jumped up from his seat, his face still mostly devoid of any color. “You are okay, right?”

No, he wasn’t okay, but Adrian answered anyway and answered honestly as well. “I’m far better than anyone thinks I am.”

Jake’s shoulders slumped with relief and Adrian noted with a certain amount of bemusement that Craig relaxed as well. Had the big guy really been that worried about him?

“Well, then I’ll see you guys tomorrow, I’ve got to get the alcohol out of my system. With much needed air. I hope you’re done when I get back, because then I’m claiming the couch,” Jake said and squeezed Adrian’s arm comfortingly as he moved past him.

Craig got to his feet as well, telling them, “I’ll check on Deran and keep him out of here. Good night.”

“I can show you and your brother to your room,” Jake offered, already halfway out of the door.

Craig nodded. “Sure, okay,” he said and threw one last glance back towards Adrian and Ryan.

“Night, guys,” Adrian said, while Ryan echoed his wish for a good night.

Now that they were alone and were going to have the talk that Adrian had avoided since coming here, he didn’t know where to start. Restlessly he went to the door leading onto the porch and from there to the garden and stared outside. Not that he could see much or anything at all, given how dark it was. Instead the window served as a mirror, showing him how Ryan got up and stepped next to him. That’s how they stood for several minutes, each of them waiting silently for the other one to start talking.

In the end it was Ryan who made the first move, just like Adrian had hoped he would.

“Deran asked you, didn’t he?” Ryan’s voice held that emotionless tone that he only used when fear or rage or any other feeling ran just too deep for him to deal with in a healthy way, when those feelings swam too close to the surface, ready to erupt at any moment.

Adrian nodded his head. “Yeah, he was really… worried that something like this might have escaped his notice.” Well, that was one way to put it.

“He’s a good friend to you, isn’t he?”

Not quite sure where Ryan was heading with this line of questions, Adrian answered with a short, “Yeah.” When he wasn’t busy being an abusive asshole, at least.

“Had he reason to worry?” This time, Adrian could very well hear the emotions in Ryan’s trembling voice. “Do I have reason to worry?”

Adrian had known about the fear that plagued Ryan for quite a while now, but he hadn’t known what to do about it.

No, that wasn’t quite right. He had known that he had to talk to him, but for the first time in his life, he hadn’t known how. That had scared him into not saying anything at all. Now it seemed as if this had been his biggest mistake.

Of course he could talk to Ryan, even if he didn’t find the right words at first. Hell, Ryan had been the very first person he had come out to. Well, right after kissing Jake at school and thinking his world would break apart because Jake had pushed him away.

Ryan had listened to him, acknowledged his worries and comforted him through his fears. He had stood right next to him, supporting him, when he came out to their parents. One of the most terrifying moments of his life that Adrian could remember. In the end, he had been worried about nothing, getting the same unconditional love and acceptance from them as he had from Ryan.

Later Adrian had learned that Jake had pushed him away because he had been so angry that he hadn’t been the one to make the first move, the reason just as ridiculous as Jake could be at times.

Adrian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was high time that Ryan learned the truth. He should have known from the beginning.

“You are right,” Adrian finally admitted, unable to look at Ryan. “I did come here just after getting out of an abusive relationship.” Mostly because he had been afraid that if he stayed, he would have been reeled right back in.

Ryan’s hand landed on his shoulder, comforting, grounding, an anchor if he ever needed one. It gave him the strength to continue, to get the words past his lips.

“But you have to know that he never raped me. The sex was rough at times, sure. But it was never non-consensual.”

He heard Ryan’s sigh of relief just as he pulled Adrian into an all consuming hug, holding him tight as if he was afraid he would vanish any second. Adrian hid his face in Ryan’s neck and told him the gist of what had happened between him and Deran. Of course he left out any and all names. None of them needed the disaster that would follow that particular revelation. He also didn’t mention that their nights together in the last few months had been more on the side of dubious consent than anything else, but he told him everything that mattered until his throat was raw from talking.

Sex with Deran had always seemed like an adventure to Adrian, an adventure he could never say no to. While his mind had kept saying, “Nope, bad idea. That way only lie heartbreak and pain,” every damn cell in his body had stood to attention and shouted, “Hell yeah, I want more of this!”

It had made saying no to Deran simply impossible. Until Deran had gone too far too many times, right up until the night of Craig’s party. Suddenly saying no had not only become possible, but necessary. But it hadn’t been simple in any way.

When he took back a step and truly looked at the picture now, weeks later, he noticed something that had gone completely over his head before. 

For the first time he had said no to Deran. And what had Deran done? 

He had listened.

Something Adrian up to this point hadn’t been all too sure was something he was capable of.

Adrian was mulling that epiphany over after he finished speaking, until Ryan said into the silence, “Let’s go shooting tomorrow. You seem to need it and I sure as hell gonna need it. You can always picture the guy instead of the target.”

~AD~

The next morning found Deran and Craig in the kitchen with Steve and Jake. No sign of Adrian or Ryan anywhere, which meant for Deran that his stomach was twisting in so many knots, there was no hope to ever untangle it again. Did they sleep in? Did they sleep together? Adrian had been in his own room last night. At first. He could have easily gone to Ryan’s later or the other way round.

Now Deran wished he had had the guts to talk to Adrian yesterday instead of fumbling his way through one damn question. 

Much later that night, after they had all gone to sleep, Deran had made his way to Adrian’s room once again, intent on speaking with him, clearing the air once and for all. As before, that plan hadn’t worked out. This time, Deran had found himself reluctant to disturb the fragile peace displayed in front of him. He had stayed a while longer, just looking at a sleeping Adrian with all his defenses down, before returning to his room with nothing solved, but with the feeling to have done something right.

“Oh great,” Jake enthused as he watched Steve prepare breakfast. For someone who had wanted to become a chef, Jake did preciously little in the kitchen. 

“You just have to try Steve’s bacon and eggs. Honestly, if the guy wasn’t straight and married, I would have proposed to him a long time ago,” he told Deran and Craig.

“The guy is standing right here,” Steve said to Jake, who waved dismissively. 

“So what? No harm in you knowing, is there?”

Deran shifted on his feet, painfully aware of the insight he was given on how Adrian’s mind might work. He had grown up around here, where they talked as if your sexual preferences were as important as your eye color. For years, especially when they were younger, Deran had only seen Adrian during the holidays, every time Adrian had stayed with his grandpa. The rest of the year, Adrian had lived here, surrounded by people who respected him just as he was, who didn’t push expectations on him that he could never fulfill. 

Part of Deran stirred with jealousy, envying Adrian for the social net he had here. Another part of him slowly began to understand how and why Adrian had never seen a reason to hide who he was, had managed to remain true to himself despite Deran’s attempts to drag him back into the closet with him.

The noise of a gun shot tore the comfortable silence asunder. Deran’s gaze searched Craig’s, seeing his brother tense up just as much as he did. 

Jake looked fully alert first out of the window, then to Steve who had flinched ever so slightly and asked him, “Shouldn’t that have propelled you right into a flashback?”

“Probably would have,” Steve answered while he cracked a few more eggs open. “If it had been a helicopter or the sound of mortar fire. But it wasn’t and luckily those two idiots warned me that they’d go shooting this morning. I hope you haven’t forgotten that I’ve been telling all of you, that I’ve been better for a while now.”

No question which two idiots he meant. But… “Adrian can’t shoot,” Craig cut in, voicing what Deran thought.

“He doesn’t own a gun and he doesn’t like them either, but that doesn’t mean he can’t shoot,” Jake explained with a frown. “You didn’t know?” He asked, but then continued without waiting for an answer. “Ryan always drags Adrian out for training at least once every time he visits.”

“He seems to think it very likely that one day Adrian will get into a situation where his only option to defend himself will be a gun and for that he should better be prepared,” Steve added, flipping the bacon with ease. “We all agree that this would make more sense if Adrian actually owned a gun, but he’s willing to go along with it to calm Ryan’s nerves.”

“How good of a shot is he?” Deran wanted to know, possibilities running rampant in his head.

“He’s no sharpshooter, that’s for sure,” Steve answered. “But in self defense, I believe he would be fully capable of hitting what needs to be hit.”

Deran’s insides burned with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, what he learned about Adrian here only seemed to cause more questions. But before he could ask anything else, he heard the front door open and Ryan holler “Good morning” through the whole house. 

“Morning,” Jake shouted back, followed by Steve’s “In the kitchen”.

A few moments later, Adrian and Ryan joined them, hair tousled and skin reddened from the wind, bright eyed and relaxed. It was as if yesterday evening had never happened. 

“Morning,” Adrian greeted them and leaned past Steve’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of everything cooking on the stove. “Oh, that looks good.”

“I hope you all have brought appetite to the table,” Steve said and began filling plates with bacon and eggs that Adrian took to put on the table. 

“Always” and “of course” were the answers Steve got from all sides. 

Ryan began filling coffee cups to the brim which Jake gathered up and took to the table as well. 

Observing their actions made Deran feel slightly homesick. He knew all too well how chaotic it looked when too many people bustled about in the kitchen, how it seemed that everyone was always just a second away from crashing into anyone else, but also, how the occupants were so in tune with each other, that they could move around without knocking into each other, making it almost look like a dance.

When they were all seated and busy shoveling bacon and eggs into their empty stomachs, Ryan turned to Deran and Craig. “Hey, I’ve been thinking. If you want to stay in Cedar Peak for a while longer, why don’t you stay here? There are rooms enough and you could save the money you’d spent on the bed and breakfast.”

From the corner of his eye Deran noticed how Adrian seemed barely able to gulp down the sip of coffee he had taken the moment Ryan had begun speaking, looking as wide-eyed as an owl. But to Deran’s surprise, he voiced no objections.

That was enough to spur Deran into action, before his brother could get the stupid idea to say no to the offer. “Yeah sure, great idea.”

“What he said,” Craig told them, throwing Deran another one of his all too knowing glances. That would get annoying really soon if it continued any longer.

“So after you get your things, what’s the plan for today?” Jake asked, looking as if he had already plans. “I’ve been thinking howling with the Cedar Pack would be a great start,” he continued.

Steve snorted and said, “You would run right past them if you even knew where to find them.”

“Actually,” Ryan chimed in, “Max called this morning. Tomorrow he will fly another round to keep track of the wolves. He said if you wanted to join in you’d be welcome. He can easily fit four more people in his helicopter. Adrian, maybe you want to take Jake, Deran and Craig along? Steve and I can have a session or maybe two while you are away. That is, if you have any free days left, Jake?”

“I have and I had planned to take a few. Does that mean I’m invited to stay here as well?” Jake’s whole face lit up.

“You know you are,” Ryan answered with a laugh.

“Sounds great,” Adrian agreed. Deran had the feeling he meant more that Jake was staying here as well instead of the prospect of getting holed up in close quarters with the Cody brothers. Well, especially with Deran.

Deran might have grumbled about Jake taking a few days off and being there all the damn time, but he didn’t begrudge Adrian another person he trusted when Deran and Craig could stay as well. 

While Deran was less interested in the wolves but in the Vortex, he also couldn’t deny the excitement he felt at the opportunity to see Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks from above and to spend the whole day with Adrian. Shit, his brothers were right, he really acted like a lovesick puppy. 

Deran turned his thoughts back to equally unsafe terrain. To the Vortex. Because Grace’s bar gave him ideas. Dangerous ideas. Ideas of freedom, of being no longer dependent on Smurf. He had almost forgotten the humiliation he had felt about being sent away like an unruly child. Well, objectively it had been Craig who had been sent away, but Deran had been packed up right along with him. He mostly had Adrian to thank for coming to terms with his situation. Adrian, who still watched him with suspicion, who still didn’t fully relax around him but who also didn’t object when Ryan asked Craig and Deran if they wanted to stay at the Eagle’s Nest instead of the B&B.

“If we see the wolves tomorrow, what are we doing today?” Deran asked. 

“Adrian and I could show you two around,” Jake offered before anyone else could get a word out.

“I think we have seen all of Cedar Peak,” Craig answered with a dismissive shrug. 

Jake managed to drink his coffee while nodding to Craig. After setting his cup back on the table, he said, “Well, there’s not much to look at in Cedar Peak, you are right, but it’s more famous for its surroundings anyway. Trust me, I know what to do!”

~AD~

Jake didn’t have a fucking clue about what to do, Adrian thought while he threw his backpack into the trunk of Jake’s car. How the hell had his friend gotten this crazy idea? Only reason Adrian could think of was, that Jake really was suicidal. Why else would he think that taking the Cody brothers on a day trip through Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks was the best idea since surfing was invented?

“Are you alright?” Ryan asked as he stepped next to Adrian. He had donned his therapist face, probably already knowing the answer.

“As alright as I can be,” Adrian said, not bothering to evade the question or even thinking of lying.

“If you are not up for hiking, you can stay here, you know that, right?” Ryan queried. “You wouldn’t be in the way for Steve’s session.”

And leave Jake alone with Deran and Craig? Someone wouldn’t make it back alive, Adrian was sure of that. 

“No, it’s okay,” he answered. When Ryan just looked at him with a sceptically raised eyebrow that would have made Spock proud, Adrian added, “Really.”

Not that it convinced Ryan in any way, they had known each other for too long. 

“Adrian, move your ass or I won’t be able to secure shot gun for you any longer,” Jake hollered from the driver’s side of the car, looking more than ready to climb in and get their tour started. 

Meanwhile Craig and Deran mustered the car dubiously, probably fearing it would fall apart around them if they tried to fit four people in. Adrian had to admit that it really looked more like a wreck than a car, but this far it had been Jake’s loyal companion, never breaking down.

Adrian turned to Ryan. “I’ve got to go or you’ll have Jake as your next patient. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

Ryan nodded although he didn’t look too sure. “Alright, have fun and if there are any problems, you know I’m only a call away.”

“I know,” Adrian answered, not hiding his smile as he let Ryan pull him into a quick hug.

Then he climbed into the car, Jake next to him, the Cody brothers in the back. 

“Right, let the trip begin,” Jake whooped and stomped on the gas pedal. His car emitted a sound like a dying animal before jumping forward and racing down the slopes, the Eagle’s Nest soon vanishing from sight.

They had to drive through Cedar Peak to reach the entrance of Sequoia National Park, but this suited them just fine. Deran and Craig could get their things from the B & B while Adrian and Jake organized enough supplies to last them for the day.

They had good timing, reaching the Ash Mountain Entrance shortly after nine.

“Where first?” Adrian asked, leaning back in his seat and trying not to think about Deran sitting right behind him.

“I thought Moro Rock first,” Jake suggested. “Let’s get started with a fantastic view of what’s to come.”

Adrian spread out a map of the parks on his lap and nodded. “Sounds good. Tunnel Log and the General after?”

Jake nodded. “That’s the plan.”

“Who the hell is the General?” Deran asked with more curiosity and less heat than Adrian had expected. Except for his attitude towards Jake and Ryan, Deran seemed a lot more mellow here than in Oceanside. 

“They are talking about a tree.” It was Craig who answered. 

“Somebody came prepared,” Jake carelessly threw out.

But Adrian felt his gut clench in worried anticipation, especially as Craig went on, “Well, I did some digging while we were searching for-”

When Craig stopped speaking, Adrian turned around just in time to witness the murderous glance Deran threw his brother. Craig didn’t seem all that impressed. He probably had seen more than enough already from Deran and worse from Smurf. Nevertheless he changed what he had obviously wanted to say to “We were searching for something fun to do around here.”

Deran’s shoulders visibly relaxed, but Adrian could feel his own tense up in answer. He had suspected the whole time that Deran and Craig had been searching for him, that they had followed his trail to Cedar Peak. This little exchange right now? It was as much confirmation as he would ever get.

“And what’s so special about the tree?” Deran asked, yanking Adrian out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, an explanation for the tourists,” Craig demanded. 

Adrian exchanged a glance with Jake and nodded to his friend. “Go on, I know you’re practically bursting with the need to share your knowledge.”

Jake grinned at him and started to explain, “Lean back and listen, I have about an hour to tell you everything you need to know about the sights around here. Moro Rock will be our first stop, but let’s start with the General. The General Sherman Tree is the world’s biggest tree, the biggest living thing on earth, not by size but by sheer volume. It really is massive, you have no idea…”

Adrian looked out the window, enjoying the view while he let Jake’s excited voice wash over him. His friend always enjoyed talking about Sequoia and Kings Canyon, about the sights, the things to do, the experiences he had had here. Sometimes it sounded as if he had built the parks up from scratch with his bare hands. It was always fun to listen to Jake going on about the parks, the pure joy in his voice contagious.

About an hour later, with Jake happily pointing out various sights they would have gone to if they had more than one day to visit, they arrived at the parking lot from where they would reach Moro  
Rock.

While Deran and Craig looked curiously around, Adrian checked that he had enough water in his back pack. They all donned hats or caps and sunglasses and made their way to their first stop. 

“You want to drag us all the way up there?” Craig asked when he caught sight of Moro Rock.

“Of course. It’s just 400 steps, we’ll be at the top in no time,” Ryan answered, walking faster the nearer the came to the granite dome.

Deran had drawn up to Adrian’s side, gazing upwards. “ _Just_ 400 steps? He’s kidding, right?”

“He’s climbed them so often, to him it’s as if he’s running up and down the stairs at home. You’ll feel your legs once you make it to the top, but the view is worth it, trust me,” Adrian answered, trying to match Deran’s casual approach and not quite sure he managed it.

“I do,” Deran simply said and started to climb the stairs after a grumbling Craig.

Adrian looked after him for a second in utter confusion, then he shook himself out of his stupor and went after his friends. He tried to tell himself that his heart beat faster just because of the strenuous climb up the stairs, but he had never been good at lying to himself.

When he reached the top, Craig and Deran were leaning across the rail, their gazes following Jake’s outstretched arm as he showed them the Great Western Divide and explained how there were several mountains taller than 13,000 feet. 

Adrian joined them, leaning against the rail next to Deran and took in the impressive view. The snow capped mountains in the distance contrasting with the warm temperatures they experienced down here.

Deran alternated in looking around and looking at Adrian. He did it subtly enough that Adrian didn’t notice at first, but when he did, he waited for the apprehension to set in.  
It didn’t come. 

“You were right,” Deran told him. Before Adrian could ask what he had been right about, Deran continued. “The view really is worth the effort.”

The way he said it left Adrian wondering if they were still talking about the Great Western Divide or something else entirely.

A whisper-shouted “Yes!” from Jake and the sound of a camera going off several times drew Adrian’s attention away from his more or less awkward conversation with Deran. They both turned to see what Jake tried to capture with his camera. The birds shooting across the sky, doing aerobatics in front of an appreciative audience were easy to spot but hard to follow, they were so fast.

“Peregrine falcons,” Jake whooped, his camera at the ready all the time. It did seem as if he knew what he was doing, after all.

The climb down from Moro Rock was unspectacular, the anticipation of the view waiting for them missing, leaving Adrian time to wonder about Deran. By now Adrian felt sure that Deran and Craig hadn’t come to Cedar Peak to wreck havoc, but they were still here for him. There just wasn’t any other explanation, no chance to surf around here and nothing worth to rob. Just what Deran wanted to achieve and why he had dragged Craig along, that were the questions Adrian hadn’t found any answers to. At least not yet.

They piled back into Jake’s wreck of a car and set off again. Just a few minutes down the road they came across the fallen giant, one of the sequoia trees that had crashed down onto the road. It had gotten the name Tunnel Log because of the passageway carved into the tree, ensuring that the road wasn’t blocked by it. 

Adrian grabbed Jake’s camera and took a few pictures. It wasn’t as if between them they already had about a thousand and one photos of everything worth seeing in both Sequoia and Kings Canyon, but at least one of them always brought a camera along. It belonged to the trip to the parks just as a surfboard belonged to a trip to the ocean.

In the rear-view mirror Adrian watched Craig and Deran lowering the windows and leaning out of the car for a better look.

Jake slowed down, giving them all plenty of time to take in the fallen tree. It was big and massive, but not quite as impressive as the General. Driving through the log always left Adrian with a feeling he couldn’t quite name, a mix between sadness and awe.

The next few minutes went by with Jake talking about the tunnel log and another fallen tree where you had been able to drive several cars on its log at once, but which had been closed by now due to its decay. 

“It just wasn’t safe anymore and no one wanted to crash into the tree with their car,” Jake said as he pulled into the next parking lot. “It’s a short hike downhill from here to the General. Then you can marvel at its awesomeness up close. Did I mention that it stands almost as high as the Statue of Liberty?”

“You might have mentioned it,” Craig said with an eye roll. “Once or twice.”

“Or a hundred times,” Adrian guessed, having tuned out most of Jake’s explanations because by now he almost knew them by heart.

Together they went on the trail to the General Sherman Tree, following the path that wove around other sequoias. The trees around Ryan’s home, the ones Adrian saw on their morning runs, weren’t small either, but they had nothing on the giants they were seeing now.  
When they reached the General, Craig whistled sharply. Adrian followed his gaze up and up and up, going dizzy from leaning his head back this far.

“Yeah,” Deran agreed with Craig’s wordless surprise, head back in his neck as well. 

If Adrian felt small among the trees near the Eagle’s Nest, he felt tiny around here. And so very, very young.

“The General has lived a few thousand years already,” Jake said, sounding as impressed as when he had first heard those numbers. “Just imagine what it has lived through already.”

They took pictures in front of the tree after a gaggle of families had had their fill. The sheer size of the General wouldn’t come out in the pictures, but it was something to remember it by.

After the short hike back up to the parking lot, they were on the road again, taking the General’s Highway up north to Hume Lake. Jake stopped several times along the way at the lookout points where they could take in the impressive sequoia trees or the rocky ridges of the surrounding mountains.

When they finally reached the lake, all of their stomachs were rumbling at different volumes, Craig’s being the loudest by far.

Years and years ago, Adrian and Jake had discovered a sandy cove a bit away from most of the tourist hot spots that offered a grand view of the lake. That’s where they took the Cody brothers for lunch. 

Sitting between Deran and Craig (and how had Adrian gotten there?), toes buried in the sand and eyes on the water, it was almost like being back in Oceanside, just a short rest in between tackling the surf. 

Their lunch consisted only of a few sandwiches, apples and ample of water, their stock already having quite the dent. Adrian couldn’t help but looking forward to dinner, considering where they had planned to eat.

“Hey Adrian, you remember skinny dipping here?” Jake asked just as Deran took a big gulp from his water. They all jumped out of the way of the resulting spray, Jake laughing, giggling really, like mad.

Craig got up, stretched and plopped down between Deran and Jake, casually reaching for more sandwiches. “Skinny dipping, eh?”

Adrian would have sent him a grateful glance if he had thought Craig had done this to save Jake’s life. Now he just answered, shaking his head. “We wanted to, but we must have been really suspicious, because a park ranger wouldn’t leave us out of his sight.”

“Either that or he was just really careful because he had gotten a call that there had been several bear sightings around the area,” Jake said.

Adrian nodded. That’s what the guy had claimed, anyway.

Next to him, Deran relaxed, but not without shooting another murderous glance toward Jake. So, business as usual.

Then Craig broke the silence, turning to Adrian. “I think I saw mountain bikes when we arrived?”

Adrian nodded. “Yeah, as long as they are available, we can take you on a short tour along the lake, if you are up to it.”

“Sure,” Deran chimed in. “Beats being in the car the whole time.”

Then that’s what they did, after collecting any leftovers from lunch, they headed to the bike rental. They were in luck and got four bikes they immediately rode away with. Jake led them on a tour with various sharp turns, up and down around part of the lake, jumping over roots and ducking beneath low hanging branches. Deran and Craig took after him while Adrian brought up the rear, glad he had to concentrate on the way and had no time to think.

The tour Jake had selected took them about an hour after which they had expelled at least a bit of their restless energy. Now they were ready to climb into the car again and take on the next part of their trip. 

First they went more or less north again until they reached the Kings Canyon Scenic Byway. From there, Jake took them to Junction View, all the way telling them about anything he could think of about the park.

“What you see now has been carved from glaciers and outside of the park it is the deepest canyon of the States. And don’t get me started on the Kings River. You won’t see much of it here at the start, but just wait until we reach Road’s End. It’s impressive by then. Oh, and I hope you have strong stomachs. The road we’re taking now will get a bit windy.”

Adrian let Jake’s enthusiastic voice wash over him again, enjoying the view outside and hyper aware of Deran right behind him. It frightened him how much he didn’t mind. At the beginning of their trip, he had thought he might go crazy with Deran in his back but then common sense had kicked in, reminding Adrian not to get paranoid over nothing. Even if he had reason to be wary of Deran and Craig showing up unexpectedly in Cedar Peak, so far they had done nothing to set his alarm bells off and it had been days already. Maybe that was what made him all the more cautious, because it was too good to be true. With Deran coming here, Adrian’s first thought had been, that he had just arrived to drag Adrian back to Oceanside. Instead he stayed here with Craig and wasn’t even overly hostile to any of Adrian’s friends. Hell, apart from the murderous glances he was throwing Jake’s way every now and again he was a lot nicer to him than he had ever been to Dave. Granted, that could be because he knew that Jake was the sheriff’s son, but Adrian doubted that it would have been reason enough to stop Deran from doing anything he wanted to do.

At Junction View Adrian emerged enough from his thoughts to take in the breath taking view of the canyon.

Jake was in his element, having found an interested audience in Deran and Craig (okay, mostly Craig) as he showed them where the road wound down towards Kings River, cutting through the massive granite formations around. 

“From here on it’s downhill all the way,” Jake said. He had climbed up on one of the rocks lining the street and had drawn the attention of a few other travelers who had stopped at Junction View as well. “At some bends and junctions those granite walls you see will seem like closing in, close to collapsing onto you and it looks damn great. You all had a great idea by taking the time to travel here. Now, if you look down over there, you see that nice blue ribbon of water that winds through the canyon? That’s the Kings River. It will grow the further down we come and by the end it’s big enough for some white water rafting.”

After Junction View Jake pulled over once or twice for what he deemed truly spectacular views but other than that he drove directly to the parking lot near Road’s End, where the Zumwalt Meadow trail began. 

“We’ll be walking a short loop,” Jake explained, while leading them onto the trail. “Beware of rattlesnakes, they like to hide in the grass around here. There’s a reason for the boardwalk and it isn’t just to protect nature from us.”

“Does he always talk this much?” Deran asked, walking next to Adrian and shooting Jake annoyed glances. Craig had closed in on Jake, asking more questions about Zumwalt Meadow and the sights awaiting them.

“He’s always vocal, but the parks are his thing, he can talk all day and night about them,” Adrian answered and snickered when Deran muttered, “I had feared as much.”

Their hike around the trail was rather uneventful with no sightings of rattlesnakes or bears, but as expected the scenery was close to overwhelming. They were at a low point of the canyon, the mountains looming overhead around them, giant granite walls and domes shooting into the blue sky.

Jake pointed to one of the granite domes. “That’s the Grand Sentinel.”

He also pointed out the North Dome, another granite giant reaching into the sky and led them across a bridge and along the Kings River which roared across stone boulders and flowed past them in a hurry.

It took them a little more than an hour to complete the trail. Back at the car Jake told them, “I thought we’ll make a short visit to Grizzly Falls and then I’ll only stop for dinner next, how does that sound?”

It was Craig’s stomach that answered the question with a loud growl. 

“I take that as a yes,” Jake laughed and plopped down onto the driver’s seat.

He drove only a few minutes back the way they had come before pulling into another parking lot. 

“The next hike?” Craig asked, somewhere between amusement and annoyance.

“Only five minutes,” Adrian reassured him, not bothering to keep the smile out of his voice or from his face. 

When they arrived at the waterfall, Jake pulled out his camera again, happily clicking away. “Granted, it’s not as impressive as Tokopah Falls, but Grizzly Falls are my favorite.”

Adrian watched the water rush down from above, dropping with thunderous force over boulders and foaming at their feet. Deran stood next to him, taking in the view as well. 

“How often have you been here as kids?” Deran asked with a wistful undertone.

Adrian shrugged. “Can’t really tell. Our families had passes for the whole year, so every time the weather looked promising, we would pack up for a day of hiking and come here. Sometimes we stayed overnight, sometimes we would pick a hike we could spend the whole day on. What we’re doing today is a bit of mammoth trip and you get to see only half of the sights that are worth seeing.”

“I’m seeing plenty,” Deran assured him and Adrian had the feeling that he wasn’t just talking about the parks. The question why Deran had come here burned again on his tongue, but with Craig and Jake nearby it would be futile to ask, so Adrian swallowed the words down and just nodded.

The drive back seemed endless. Even Jake had run out of things to tell them about the parks by now, opting to turn on the radio instead. Their conversations were interspersed with one stomach grumbling at a time.

They followed the Kings Canyon Scenic Byway again but didn’t go over Hume Lake, instead passing Grant Grove, where they could have visited the Christmas Tree.

After almost two hours in the car, they arrived at Wolverton. Adrian thought he could almost feel the smell of all the goodies of the famous barbecue hitting him as soon as he exited the car. 

Even though it was crowded, they managed to secure a good place on the deck, overlooking a meadow nearly bursting with wild flowers, the explosion of colors all but burning the eyes. They had their fair share of ribs and chicken, conversation picking up again as the food filled their stomachs.

Adrian felt enough pity for a yawning Jake that he said, “I can drive us home.”

Jake nodded sleepily, looking as if he would tip over any moment. “Gladly.” 

When they arrived at the Eagle’s Nest about an hour later, Steve and Ryan were waiting for them with cold beer and open ears. 

“Tell us everything,” Steve demanded, while Ryan shot a questioning glance towards Adrian, who just nodded back with a small smile. All in all the day had gone well, far better than expected, without Deran murdering Jake, even if he had looked like he had wanted to a few times.

~AD~

Waking up to sunlight slanting through the haphazardly closed curtains, Deran stared up at the ceiling instead of screaming into his pillow or punching something, someone, like he really wanted to do.

The last day had been pure torture, sitting behind Adrian, close enough to touch the whole time, but he had not dared to reach out. When they had sat at Hume Lake, he had almost extended his arm to drop his hand on Adrian’s leg, but had aborted the movement as soon as he had started it. 

He doubted that anyone had noticed. 

While Deran hadn’t been surprised how Jake had hogged all the attention, it had come as a surprise that he hadn’t clung to Adrian the whole time. It was something that Deran had come to expect after their interactions before and the things Jake told them, how Adrian and him were this tight and the only reason their epic love story had come to an end had been because Adrian had left for Oceanside.

Part of him feared that Adrian thought about moving back to Cedar Peak, rekindling what he had had with Jake before. But on the other hand he didn’t really get that vibe from Adrian.  
Yawning he sat up and listened to any noise around the house that was bound to erupt with enough people around and awake. 

Glancing over to Craig’s bed, determined to wake his brother up, he found Craig slowly showing signs of life. 

“It’s too damn early,” his brother grumbled without heat, fishing for his jeans with closed eyes.

“Yesterday you were all fire for taking a flight,” Deran reminded him.

“That was before I knew that we would just fly around without jumping,” Craig answered, still sounding half asleep.

Deran shook his head, put some clothes on and made his way into the kitchen. Ryan and Steve were already there, one of them filling coffee cups while the other one was busy making pancakes.

“Oh good, you are awake. Your brother already up as well?” Ryan asked, clearly suppressing a yawn.

“More or less,” Deran answered.

“Just like me,” Steve chimed in. “Why did we get up this early anyway? _We_ don’t have a plane to catch.”

“Solidarity,” Ryan answered, not sounding as if he felt solidary at all. 

Steve turned to Deran, waving the spatula in his hand in Ryan’s direction. “This is just some therapy thing, I’m sure of it. He probably read it in some of his psychology magazines and wants to try it out.”

Ryan bopped him in the side without spilling any coffee, a true master of his trade. “Shh, don’t tell him all my secrets. I’m gonna wake up Jake, his snoring will drive me crazy otherwise.”

With that Ryan left the kitchen just as Adrian entered. They bumped shoulders sleepily in greeting as they passed each other. 

Deran would probably always remember that particular sight as Adrian shuffled into the kitchen barefoot, hair tousled, eyes on half mast and letting loose a giant yawn as he made a beeline for the coffee pot. 

“You are so adorable. I could kiss you right now,” Steve said with a laugh.

Deran, whose thoughts ran along the exact same tracks, clenched his fists, desperately telling himself that Steve didn’t mean it, that he was just joking around.

“If you try that, I’m gonna punch you,” Adrian answered without looking at Steve, grabbing a cup Ryan had already filled. “No, even better. I will call Sharon and tell her. See how you gonna survive that.”

“Okay, please don’t. I’m going to lay off, I promise.” Steve pulled a comically frightened face, but his antics were completely lost on Adrian, who had cradled the coffee cup in both of his hands and had taken his first sip, eyes closed in bliss. 

“You better,” Adrian mumbled and it took all of Deran’s will to stay rooted in his seat and not stalk over to Adrian and kiss him senseless. He was glad when Ryan returned with Jake and Craig finally joined them as well, the crowd a welcome distraction.

Deran was used to a full house, having grown up with Smurf and his brothers, but the dynamic here was different. There were the occasional fights, the teasing bordering on embarrassing one another, sure, but it never held the sharp edge Deran was used to. It was warmer in a way. More human. He noticed it most this morning, when no one had their coffee yet and everyone seemed to have let their guard down. Even Adrian who had his eyes fully open by now and who turned to Steve with a frown on his face. “I almost stumbled over your bag in the hallway. You are leaving?”

Steve nodded, piling the last pancake on top of the others. “Yeah, after the session today I’m going home. I want to take Sharon into my arms and marvel at Nadja’s gap-toothed smile. You go and enjoy your flight, I’m staying as far away from helicopters as possible. I don’t need another flashback like the last time.”

Adrian nodded, seeming to understand, while Jake asked, “That bad?”

“Not one of my best moments,” Steve grumbled and pulled the plate with pancakes out of reach just as Jake tried to snatch one.

Breakfast was the same loud and boisterous affair it had been the day before and Deran easily relaxed into some banter with Steve, every now and then glancing at Adrian until Craig kicked him under the table, shaking his head in exasperation. Deran surmised that he hadn’t been quite as subtle as he had thought. Damn.

After breakfast followed a flurry of handshakes, hugs and shoulder-clapping as they said goodbye to Steve. Then the same group as yesterday piled into Adrian’s car and took off towards Max. 

With Adrian behind the wheel, Jake didn’t need to concentrate on the road and could put all his energy into telling them every little detail about the wolf pack they would hopefully see today. 

Deran felt as if his ears were bleeding just after a few minutes. Did the guy ever shut up? And if not, was there an off-switch anywhere?

But just as Deran wanted to cut in to tell him to just keep his trap shut for once, Jesus, Jake said, “You’ll learn more about the wolves and the recovery program from Max, but Adrian here was lucky enough to come face to face with one wolf of the Cedar Pack a few years ago. Remember, Adrian?”

Adrian nodded. “It’s been a while that I thought about it to be honest.”

“Completely understandable,” Jake agreed and Deran wondered why. He didn’t have to wonder long as Jake continued, “I mean, that was right about the time Ryan got injured. We got that damn call and suddenly you were gone. Everyone was so worried that you’d do something stupid. Everyone but me, that is. I know you better than that.”

Whenever Deran heard about those oh so special bonds Adrian shared with Ryan and Jake, he wanted to explode with jealousy, even if he knew that it wouldn’t help him in any way. But he refused to admit defeat. He wouldn’t give up until there was nothing else he could do. And if he was honest, he hadn’t even started yet, hadn’t even said the first thing he wanted to tell Adrian since coming here. Granted, now was not the best time for it anyway, not with Jake and Craig hovering around. 

Deran leaned back, waiting for the continuation of the story that was sure to follow. He saw Adrian glance at him quickly in the rear-view mirror, just for his gaze to slide away again, eyes back on the road. Adrian’s shoulders were tense and he gripped the steering wheel tight enough for his knuckles to turn white as he answered, “Yeah, when we got that call I was devastated. The doctors doubted that Ryan would survive the night. I couldn’t just stay at home doing nothing, I had to get away. So I went out into the woods and I walked until I couldn’t go any further. Then I just plopped down against a tree. Maybe a minute later, I heard some rustling and looked up. It’s a wolf, walking out of the underbrush. We just kept staring at each other for a while, until I heard a helicopter. I looked up and when I looked back down again, the wolf was gone.”

“Quite the story,” Craig said, sounding as if he didn’t want to be impressed but was anyway.

Deran felt sure that Adrian wasn’t telling them the whole story. He was equally sure that Adrian hadn’t wanted to tell the story in the first place, that he hadn’t wanted to admit how close he and Ryan really were. Because he was afraid. Afraid of Deran and what he might do.

Deran swallowed down bile, feeling sick to his stomach.

“You alright there, buddy?” Jake asked him. “You look a little green around the edges.”

“I’m fine,” Deran answered, feeling anything but. He was glad when they arrived at Max’s place, was thankful for the distraction the wolf expert provided.

Max lived in a ramshackle, little hut at the far edge of Cedar Peak, right at the edge of the forest. Max himself looked as ramshackle as his hut, as if all the body parts didn’t fit together quite right. His legs seemed too thin for the bulky body and his arms too muscular in comparison. He was a squat man, a head shorter than all of them and two heads shorter than Craig, with salt and pepper hair and gleaming teeth that flashed white in his salt and pepper beard when he saw them arrive.

Adrian pulled his car to a stop behind an old and battered pick-up that had seen better days years and years ago.

“Hey guys, glad you could make it,” Max greeted them as they climbed out of Adrian’s car. “And early, too,” he added with a mischievous glance towards Jake.

“Bite me,” Jake quipped back, glaring at Max without any heat.

Adrian took care of the introductions, this time not hesitating when he labeled Deran and Craig as his ‘friends from Oceanside’.

“Well then, shall we?” Max asked and gestured to the helicopter. It was a blue and white painted machine that stood on a patch of grass near the hut. Contrary to the hut it seemed kept in pristine condition. At least Deran hoped so or it would be a damn short flight.

From Jake’s seemingly endless lectures about the national parks, Deran remembered something about noisy aircrafts circling above the parks, disturbing the wildlife there.

“Isn’t that thing a bit too loud to go looking for wolves?” Deran asked.

Max shook his head and grinned. “Nope. It’s a silent helicopter. Well, okay, not silent but with today’s technology it’s a lot quieter than your run of the mill helicopter.”

“And you can just park it here?” Craig asked next, already inspecting the helicopter up close and personal.

“Not usually,” Max admitted. “Though I do have a special permit. There’s a small airport a couple of miles from Cedar Peak where I usually leave it. But it was easier to go there yesterday, fly with the helicopter home and meet you all here.”

They were fast in strapping themselves in with everyone having already experience with flying a helicopter even if it was just as a passenger.

The excitement Deran felt for the flight ahead constantly clashed with his rising tension. By now he had to battle down the urge to touch Adrian, to fight the need to feel Adrian’s skin under his fingertips again. It certainly didn’t help that with the helicopter being so small they nearly sat on top of each other.

During the flight Max told them of his work as an observer for the California Wolf Center, how it had taken a long time after the almost successful extermination of wolves until they had found their way back to California. 

“OR7 was the first wolf to cross the border from Oregon and was the first wild wolf to be sighted in California since 1924. By now that gray wolf has a pack in the Rogue River-Siskiyou National Forest. He has returned to Oregon. The Cedar Pack on the other hand roams the area around Cedar Peak, sometimes within Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks, sometimes outside. At the moment, the pack consists of seven wolves. It won’t stay that way forever, the young wolves might wander off to find mates. Maybe they’ll travel up north, towards Oregon. Maybe they’ll meet up with OR7 there, challenge his position as alpha.” 

Deran half listened to Max’s explanations about the radio collars the wolves wore that made it easy to find them and half he listened to every sound Adrian emitted, the soft breathing, the laughter, when Max said something funny. He observed how Adrian gradually relaxed the longer they were roaming the sky until he suddenly sat up straight, peering outside the window just as Jake cried out, “Over there!”

His voice sounded tinny through the headphones, but it still carried his excitement without diminishing it.

Deran looked out of the window on his side and after a few seconds he saw what had gotten Jake this hyped up. Beneath them lay a clearing on which several small forms where running about with endless energy. It didn’t take long to recognize those animals as wolves, even without the binoculars Adrian handed to him.

After circling the clearing several times, all the while dictating to Jake all the observations that were worthy to note down, Max turned the nose of the helicopter around and headed back to his hut.

Once there, Deran noted with surprise just how long they’d been up in the air. Noticing his look, Max said, “We couldn’t have stayed much longer anyway or the fuel wouldn’t have lasted for our return.”

Deran just nodded in understanding.

When Max invited them to stay for a late lunch, Adrian and Jake were quick to decline the offer with many thanks and apologies that they had to go back to Ryan. Exchanging a look of bemusement with Craig, Deran wondered what all this was about.

Back in the car, Adrian heaved a relieved sigh as if someone had taken mountains off his chest. “Well, that has been close.”

Next to him, Jake gave a demonstrative shudder. “Believe me, guys, we just rescued you from the worst lunch ever. I doubt even half of it would’ve been edible.”

“Max is a really great guy,” Adrian added. “But his cooking skills are non-existent. We had our fair share of food poisonings before learning what had caused them. I don’t wish that upon my worst enemy.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jake argued with a slightly manic grin. “Mick would kinda deserve it.”

The rest of the ride they spent in equal parts bantering and sharing childhood stories. In no time, they arrived back at the Eagle’s Nest.

As Adrian opened the front door, their ears were assaulted by Ryan cursing up a storm. Deran was surprised that someone that zen about mostly everything could swear that much - and so creatively as well.

Adrian didn’t bother with anything else but pushing the door open and racing into the living room. Deran remained hot on his heels, wanting to know what the hell was going on. Behind him he could hear Craig and Jake follow.

He came into the room just as Adrian said, “I’ll call the doc.” There was more than just a tinge of worry in his voice.

“No,” Ryan answered, fingering his prosthetic with a dubious expression. “I’m sure it will be fine in a minute.”

“Bullshit,” Adrian shot back. “That damn thing is busted. You’ll only hurt yourself if you try to wear it again. What the hell happened anyway?”

“I fell,” Ryan grumbled and Deran could easily hear the embarrassment in his voice, even if he didn’t express it on his face.

Adrian nodded and asked, “You still call Doc Wu?”

“As always,” Ryan said with a grimace, leaning back against the couch as if he was giving up the fight. Deran pondered if the grimace came because of any pain in the leg or because of the doctor.

Adrian nodded again and snatched up Ryan’s phone that had been lying on the couch table. With the phone at his ear, he wandered back and forth, his impatience almost tangible.

“I can call him myself, you know that, right?” Ryan told Adrian, who just rolled his eyes at him. 

“Sure and then you forget to mention half of the things you should, because you are convinced it’s not that bad and not to worry and - yes hello, Doc. It’s Adrian. No, I’m fine, but Ryan is not.” Adrian slipped seamlessly from his tirade towards Ryan into a professional talk with the doctor at the other end of the line.

Deran couldn’t help but wonder how often this had happened before. 

“Yes, I know that Ryan has those somewhere over here, wait a second,” Adrian said and went to the shelves that dominated one wall of the living room. Deran knew he was staring at Adrian, following the long lines of his body as he angled for something on the top shelf. Then someone was blocking his view and Deran was ready to hurl a whole barrage of abuse at that person, but he stopped himself when he looked straight into Craig’s eyes. 

“I thought you wanted to fix things, not make them worse,” his brother told him quietly. For a moment, Deran was tempted to play stupid and ask what Craig meant. But he swallowed the words down. After all, he knew exactly what his brother was talking about. Adrian had enough to worry about than catching Deran ogling him and the can of worms that would pop open along the way.

While Deran had come here to fix things between them, he wanted to do it when Adrian was in a state of mind to listen. Something that wasn’t happening anytime soon, if he read Adrian’s worry for Ryan right.

He was so lost in thought, that Adrian’s voice startled him back to the present. “Doc Wu is on his way to take a look at both, you and the prosthetic. Good thing he still comes to anyone who calls, even if he’s officially retired.”

“He is a doctor at heart and by conviction. He won’t stop just because he doesn’t get paid anymore,” Ryan said, finally placing the artificial leg down by his side.

“Yeah,” Jake agreed. “Grace complains often enough that her dad just doesn’t know how to enjoy retirement.”

~AD~

Doc Wu was as tiny as his daughter and had the same no nonsense attitude as her. 

“Well then, let’s have a look at you first,” he said to Ryan. “And then we’ll take care of that prosthetic of yours. Just how did you manage to bend it out of shape this much?”

While Doc Wu and Ryan disappeared into Ryan’s bedroom for the examination, Adrian continued to wander in circles around the living room, too nervous to sit down.

Deran looked as if he wanted to tell him to forget about Ryan, to not cling that hard to someone who wasn’t worth it. But what came out when he finally spoke was, “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

Adrian shot him a quick, surprised glance and didn’t tamp down on the thankful smile. Right now, this was exactly what he needed to hear.

“Yeah,” Jake chimed in from the couch. “It’s not the first time this happened. Won’t be the last time, either. You know how it goes. The prosthetic gets repaired, Ryan hops around the house moping until he gets the thing back and then everything will be alright again.”

Now that was a really, _really_ watered down version of what would happen, but in its essence Jake was right on all accounts.

A short while later, even if it seemed like hours to Adrian, Doc Wu and Ryan emerged from the bedroom, the doctor carrying the prosthetic and Ryan hopping after him on the crutches he had deposited in his bedroom just for cases like this.

“I’ll give the techs a run for their money and you’ll get it back as soon as possible. Won’t be much longer than a day or two, I promise,” Doc Wu told Ryan who accepted the news with a thankful nod. 

After that, Doc Wu was gone as fast as he had come, leaving a hasty goodbye for all of them in his wake.

Ryan let himself fall onto the couch next to Jake and said, “Well, shit.”

“Could be worse,” Adrian said. 

“You could be dead,” Craig continued, causing Adrian to swivel to him half panicked. But Craig didn’t look like he made a threat, he looked more as if he really meant it as a mean to lighten Ryan’s mood.

Adrian turned to Deran next, who watched his brother with such a dismayed expression that Adrian was sure that he hadn’t counted on Craig saying something like this either. It eased Adrian’s worries more than he wanted to contemplate right now.

The following banter between Craig and Ryan got interrupted by Jake’s phone, insistently calling for attention.

“Hi Dad,” Jake said to the caller and listened for a while to whatever was said on the other end of the line, occasionally nodding. “Yes sure, I can do that. No, it’s not a problem, I understand. See you in a bit.”

When he ended the call, Jake turned to them and said, “My dad called because they are shorthanded at the station. He asked me to come in. You guys will be okay here, right?”

Adrian had the feeling as if Jake had the last part addressed specifically to him. Still, he told his friend, “We’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Funnily enough, Adrian believed it, too. When he had told Deran and Craig about his encounter with the wolf and subsequently how much Ryan meant to him, he had feared Deran’s reaction. And now Deran offered comfort as he worried about Ryan again. It might not be what Adrian had expected, but it was what he had hoped for, in a far corner of his mind, where he had stowed away daydreams and unreachable fantasies.

“As if I’d ever worry,” Jake dismissed. Adrian didn’t bother to call him out on his lie, Ryan’s snort was telling enough all on its own.

When Jake moved towards the door, he motioned for Adrian to follow him. Frowning, Adrian did.

Jake waited until they had walked to his car, then he turned to Adrian again. “You are sure that you’ll be okay?” He asked.

“Of course,” Adrian said, wondering if he was too confident. Maybe he had let himself get lulled into a false sense of security while Deran and Craig planned something. Or maybe that was the kind of paranoia he fought to get the better of him.

Jake didn’t look all that convinced, but he pulled Adrian into a quick hug before getting into his car. “Call me, before you decide to head back to Oceanside, will you? Don’t run off without saying goodbye.”

Adrian shook his head. “I promise, I won’t run off without warning.”

It was a few hours later that Adrian reconsidered his promise. 

When he woke up at 3 am, glancing bleary-eyed at the clock, he heaved himself out of the bed to answer nature’s call.

Yawning Adrian almost stumbled out of the bathroom and through the hallway a few minutes later, barely able to keep his eyes open. He had been on hyper alert since Deran had shown up with Craig in tow. Combined with the resulting restless nights and Ryan’s temporary loss of the prosthetic, it made for an exhaustive cocktail. 

But it was more than that. He wasn’t just tired, but emotionally drained. His feelings of terror and despair, expectation and hope slowly yielded to a kind of numbness that frightened Adrian all the more. From Ryan’s work he had picked up enough to know that numbness was bad. For a while it could help as a coping mechanism if there were any traumatizing events to overcome, but in the long run it didn’t help at all. Burying one’s feelings too deep for too long did more harm than good.

So he blamed it on his exhaustion that he didn’t fully register the person waiting outside the bathroom. Once his mind supplied the vital information that it was Deran standing there, starting to move, Adrian backed up as fast as Deran approached until he felt his back hit the wall and he had no way of retreating any further.

“Deran,” he warned him, as Deran almost completely closed the distance between them. He was close enough to touch, yet he didn’t reach out, he just used his whole body to crowd Adrian in.

“I missed you,” he whispered, voice as hoarse and broken as it had been the night Adrian had essentially told him that it was over.

Adrian swallowed the reflexive “I missed you, too” down. Hard. Instead he shook his head in disbelieve, heart jack-rabbiting against his ribcage as if it could break out any moment. “It’s barely been three weeks.”

Deran sighed and leaned in closer, his nose almost touching Adrian’s as he said, “Too fucking long.”

“What do you want?” Adrian ground out. What had Deran planned? For his friends? For him?

Deran leaned back a little, before he answered. His voice sounded as if he tried to speak with a throat full of broken glass as he growled, “I know I said I deserved the break up. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I have changed. I deserve another chance, you’ll see.”

Adrian leaned back against the wall, feeling his eyes widen in surprise. From his vantage point it didn’t look like change at all. Deran still used intimidation tactics to get what he wanted.

“I won’t give up,” Deran reiterated in a low voice.

His fist smashed into the wall next to Adrian’s head, then he flattened his hand there. Adrian flinched back with nowhere to go, remembering just a little too well Deran’s fist connecting with his face. The shadow of regret that passed over Deran’s features was gone so fast Adrian almost thought he had imagined it. 

Out of the corner of his eye he couldn’t see any damage done, neither to the wall nor to Deran’s hand. Belatedly it registered with Adrian that the punch had just resulted in a soft thud, not a loud crack. It had been an aggressive motion, yes, but without any force whatsoever to back that aggression up. Although he was still tempted to raise his own hands, clenched into fists, ready to defend himself, Adrian forced himself to stand still, to wait Deran out.

Deran leaned in again and hissed, “I won’t!” 

Then he pushed himself away from the wall and turned to the bathroom.

Adrian stared after him until the door closed behind Deran’s back.

Letting out a shuddering breath, Adrian pushed away from the wall, too. All of a sudden, he felt the desperate need for fresh air. He felt as if there wasn’t enough air to breathe inside the house. So he turned to the living room and to the door leading outside, stepping into the cold night.

He only noticed that he wasn’t alone when Craig suddenly appeared next to him. Christ on a cracker, did anyone sleep at all this night?

Craig took one look at him and immediately offered him the joint he was holding. Grateful, Adrian took him up on his offer. He inhaled deeply before handing the joint back, releasing his breath and with it a bit of the tension that had built up during his confrontation with Deran.

“This Ryan always so adamant against smoking in the house?” Craig asked, sounding decidedly of ruffled feathers.

“Yeah,” Adrian answered, tamping down on the small smile that wanted to escape. The next moment he sobered up again. Maybe he would get a more helpful, or at least a more specific answer from Craig. So he asked, “Why are you guys really here? It’s not just to get out from under Smurf’s nose. You could’ve done that anywhere up and down the coast and wouldn’t have to miss out on surfing. So why here?”

Craig sighed and looked at Adrian with something akin to pity. “The answer is obvious, isn’t it?”

Yes, it probably was. To Adrian even more so than to Craig. Didn’t mean he had wanted to hear it.

“Yeah,” Adrian said and then nodded to the joint in Craig’s hands. “Thanks for that.”

It was time to head back inside. He had almost reached the door when Craig called out behind his back. “Hey, Adrian.”

“Yes?” He turned halfway round to see Craig smile at him.

“You’re a stubborn ass. You’ll be fine.”

Adrian snorted out a laugh as he went inside. Maybe Craig was right. Maybe he was just painting a darker picture than there really was. 

What he needed was some distance to clear his head. Ironic, considering that this had been the reason why he had come to Cedar Peak in the first place. 

So far Deran had proven that he had no intentions of hurting Adrian. And far more important, he didn’t seem to have any intentions of hurting Ryan or Jake either. Adrian could be reasonably sure that he could leave Ryan with Deran and Craig without having to worry about returning to mayhem and bloodshed. He’d talk to Ryan, see if he would be okay with it, too.

After all, there were a few places Deran didn’t know around here, places he couldn’t just invade. Adrian had one such place already firmly in mind. 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow night he’d go there.


	6. Taking back my memories and my soul

Adrian stared up at the tree house, wondering if this had really been such a good idea. It seemed superfluous somehow. But he had needed to escape the house, had needed to escape Deran’s proximity. He had only told Ryan where he planned to spend the night. Then he had packed a bag, grabbed a sleeping bag and had driven here. Ryan hadn’t seemed nearly as surprised as Adrian had expected him to, but Ryan always seemed to know more than he should. 

“Do what you have to do, I’ll be fine,” Ryan had told him when Adrian had asked if it would be okay to leave him alone with Deran and Craig for the night. Adrian’s conscience acted up because he fled the house while Ryan still had to wait on his prosthetic to get repaired. While he didn’t think that Deran or Craig would do anything, he knew it was unfair to all three of them to venture out alone. But with his tension running higher and higher the longer he was near Deran, it had only been a matter of time until he would have exploded all over the place. 

The way Deran had acted the whole time since he and Craig had come to Cedar Peak, especially the way he had acted last night, had given Adrian enough to think about for a lifetime. 

Adrian shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t think about giving Deran another chance. Not after the shit Deran had pulled these past few months, not after he had followed him all the way to Cedar Peak.

But Deran had told him the truth. He had changed, the past days had shown that. And yes, Deran had been like a changed man in Belize as well. And look how long that had lasted. Just until they had arrived back in Oceanside.

But this? This was different. Adrian hoped so, at least. 

“Any particular reason you are hiding out here?” a familiar voice asked behind him. Adrian turned to Jake, who carried the exact same equipment as him - bag and sleeping bag.

“I’m running away,” Adrian admitted. Not that he had any success trying so far. Deran had found him in Cedar Peak. Given enough time, he would find the tree house, too. “What are you doing here?”

“Sometimes I spent the night here to think or just to wallow in memories,” Jake answered. “Someone at the office wasn’t quite as ill as we all thought. Honestly? I think his wife kicked him all the way to work, but you didn’t hear that from me. Anyway, I wanted to mull a few things over. I had planned to come back to Ryan’s tomorrow and take the rest of my holidays now that we are not understaffed anymore.” After a short pause he asked, “You running away from your friends from Oceanside?”

Adrian only gave a noncommittal hum as an answer, looking back up at the tree house, wondering if two grown adults would still fit as well as two adolescent teens with dreams too big for their heads had. 

“So, who’s the ex? Deran or Craig?” Adrian froze at Jake’s words, but Jake continued as if not noticing Adrian’s reaction. “My money’s on Deran, mostly because of the way he looks at you. And how he looks at me and Ryan. I mean, I can understand why I get the death glares. But Ryan? There’s absolutely no reason. And of course, there’s the way Deran watched you sleep with that lost and longing expression on his face. That was pretty much the biggest give away ever.”

Adrian’s gaze shot from the tree house back to Jake. “He what?”

He didn’t really know how to feel about that. Creeped out? Surprised? Worried? A bit of everything, Adrian finally decided.

“The night I slept on the couch at Ryan’s, the first night Deran and Craig stayed over, I heard a noise,” Jake explained. “First I thought it was just someone needing to go to the toilet, but I only heard a door open, never close. So being the good deputy that I am, I chose to investigate. I didn’t have to go far. Deran had opened the door to your room and just stood in the doorway, watching you sleep. I would have said something if he had gone inside, but after a while he just closed the door really carefully and went back to his own room. Craig on the other hand seems half the time to be a curious mix of carefree and worried and the other half of the time he seems to be high.”

“Craig is high most of the time,” Adrian conceded. “And Deran is not exactly out. At all.” 

There was no reason to lie to Jake when he had already guessed everything right just from observing them, but he could make sure that he didn’t open his mouth about it. Jake as well as him respected if someone wasn’t ready to come out for whatever reason.

“Okay.” Jake nodded, understanding very well what Adrian didn’t say out loud. After a short pause he gestured towards the tree house. “Shall we? I’m curious if we both still fit in there.”

Adrian grinned. “Sure. I was wondering that, too.” So he grabbed his bags and started to climb the ladder.

The tree house wasn’t much, just one big room, four walls and a roof overhead. Adrian entered through the trap door on the floor and scooted to one side so that Jake could climb in after him. Two glassless windows were shut with wooden panels, ready to be opened at a moment’s notice which Jake promptly did. Then he rolled down the mosquito nets they had tacked to the wall above the windows.

Adrian took the camping light out of his bag and hung it on the hook that was attached to the ceiling.

The place wasn’t much smaller than Adrian remembered, with enough room for Adrian and Jake to roll out their sleeping bags and store their bags next to where their heads would lie later.

“Seems almost the same,” Adrian voiced his thoughts out loud, sitting cross-legged on his sleeping bag.

Jake sat across from him, mimicking his position. “Well, we’ve not really grown up that much since the last time we’ve been here. Do you remember?”

Adrian gave him a small smile. “Of course I remember. We had this.” He opened his bag again and took out a couple of beers, offering one to Jake.

“And these,” Jake continued, taking packages of potato chips and chocolate out of his own bag after putting the beer down.

“Just like old times,” Adrian laughed as he looked over their assorted treasures while he added his own packages of chips to the pile and Jake produced a few more beers from his bag. He almost felt seventeen again, done with school and ready to leave Cedar Peak behind, ready to move to the ocean and make a life there for himself.

Jake shrugged. “Only thing missing are a couple of condoms. I didn’t pack them. Didn’t think the implication would’ve been welcome.”

For a moment, Adrian unsuccessfully searched for something to say, torn between exasperation and laughter. “You’re right. It wouldn’t have been.”

Jake nodded along to Adrian’s words while he opened the bag of chips and the chocolate. Then he took a sip of his beer before he said, “You need to talk about it. What did Deran do? What was so terrifying that you left the ocean and came back here for more than a weekend? Hell, for even more than a week.”

Adrian shook his head. Not again. Once had been enough, thank you very much. “I already talked to Ryan about it.” 

“But you didn’t tell him who,” Jake correctly guessed. “Ryan wouldn’t have welcomed them into his home if he even had an inkling of what he - or they? - had done, if he had known that their presence made you uncomfortable in any way.”

“I know.” What else was there to say? Jake was right, of course.

“Then why haven’t you said anything yet? Why hide out here instead of clearing them out of Ryan’s?”

Adrian started with “It’s -”

Just to be interrupted by Jake. “I swear, if you say ‘it’s complicated’, I’m going to scream bloody murder!”

Adrian smirked at him as he started again. “It’s not that easy.”

“Asshole,” Jake grumbled, clinking his beer bottle against Adrian’s before taking a sip. “You still love him.”

Adrian didn’t reply. To him, the answer was glaringly obvious. To Jake apparently, too. Hopefully not to anyone else. 

“I don’t need the whole story,” Jake said, face as serious as Adrian had ever seen him. “Just tell me why I shouldn’t tell Ryan the rest, so he can get rid of Deran and Craig.”

“I think Deran has changed since we broke up,” Adrian contemplated. He had always hesitated to tell anyone from Cedar Peak the whole story out of fear that Deran, Craig and maybe even the rest of the family would come after anyone who knew. But the reason he gave Jake was maybe just as relevant. And maybe it was just wishful thinking, but Adrian couldn’t shove the hope out of his thoughts whenever he remembered the last times Deran and he had talked alone. It wasn’t as much as what Deran had said, although the retrospective fear of having hurt Adrian more than Deran had thought was at least a little welcome, it was more the way he acted. The newfound reluctance to hurt him was a side Adrian could really get used to. Even if he told himself that he couldn’t count on this behavior having any chance of survival back in Oceanside. Maybe it really existed just here, more than three hundred miles away from Smurf and her poisonous influence.

“Since you dumped him, you mean,” Jake interjected when Adrian trailed off. “That was when exactly?”

“Round about three weeks ago. We had that particular talk in front of my shop. After that I just packed a few things, got in the car and came straight here.”

“And how has he changed?” Jake wanted to know.

Adrian hesitated, munching on a few chips while he searched for the right way to answer.

“For one thing, he hasn’t sicced his brother on you. Yet,” he finally said. “For another, he hasn’t really tried anything so far. He has swayed from his usual M.O. if you want.” He had just been next to Adrian the whole time since he arrived in Cedar Peak, defending him from Mick, asking questions about his childhood, glowering at Ryan and Jake and telling Adrian that he wouldn’t give up, that he wanted another chance. He hadn’t specifically stated what exactly he wouldn’t give up, but Adrian hoped it was rather their relationship than easy access to sex.

And yes, even after everything that had happened, after everything that Deran had done, that Adrian had let him do, that Adrian had let him control... 

“Yeah, I still love him.” Saying it out loud after weeks of burying the emotion as deep as he could, just made it all the more real.

“So, you are getting back together?” Jake clarified, looking deeply disappointed. In the situation in general or in him in particular, Adrian couldn’t be sure without asking. And he didn’t really want to know.

With a shrug Adrian glanced away. “Not if going back means going back to things as they have been before. I couldn’t do that again.” He probably wouldn’t survive that again.

“He’s not forcing you, is he?” 

Adrian’s gaze snapped back to Jake, the question throwing him completely off guard. “What? No!”

“Okay, good.” Jake nodded. “Sorry, but I’d rather be sure that you are doing this because you want to, not because you are bullied into a relationship.”

“I’m not.” At least not anymore. And he would take care not to let it happen ever again.

For a while they didn’t talk, the silence between them familiar and comfortable.

After emptying their beers and Adrian giving out another round, Jake asked, “You miss surfing?”

Adrian nodded, his mind going back to crashing waves, salt and wind and water on his skin. “Every day.”

“I guess snowboarding is no alternative, after all.”

At Jake’s wistful tone, Adrian had to smile. “It doesn’t even come close,” he told his friend. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that could ever compare to the feeling of riding a wave.

Jake nodded as if Adrian had just told him a very important decision he had made. And maybe he had, for Jake continued, ”You’re itching to go back.” It was a mere statement, no question hiding behind the words.

Adrian nodded anyway. “It’s time for me to go home. This was the last night of running away. I can’t hide forever.” Especially if the one he was hiding from, had already found him.

“You know, this is your home, too. You can always come back.” Jake sounded as if he just made a last ditch attempt to keep him here in Cedar Peak.

“I know. But I could never stay.” He would miss the ocean too much.

After another round of silence and beer, Jake suddenly shook his head and laughed quietly. It sounded a bit forced, but mostly natural. “I still can’t believe you dragged Ryan and Steve all the way to Morro Bay for that festival.”

“They didn’t have to come.” But he was glad that they had. And even if the many people had been overwhelming at times for Steve, he and Ryan had seemed to have their fun, too.

“Did you at least win?”

Adrian shook his head, handing Jake another beer and opening another for himself. “I came in second.”

Jake took the beer with a grateful nod and seemed to chug half of it, before speaking again. “But you got something out of it, right? I mean, other than the pleasure of surfing.”

“And the pleasure of knowing that I’m doing something to safe the marine wildlife? Yes. Second place got a pro board. I swear I haven’t had a board this damn valuable in my entire life. So yeah, I’d say I got something out of it,” Adrian told his friend. Considering the comparatively small entry fee of 50 dollars, it had been a win he could be satisfied with. Although Steve had argued that without any prize money there was nothing that made up for gas and lodging, it still had been a fun trip. And then there had been Leilani, of course, with her round face, long blond hair and a smile that made Adrian almost believe in miracles. As she had warned him before, Leilani had offered him to become part owner of her shop. Again. Especially when he had told her that he played with the thought of moving away from Oceanside. In turn he had promised her that he would think about it and during the last few days that thought had always crept up when he least expected it. And the memories of how Leilani and Ryan had found each other, just like that, carried a warm feeling with them that seemed to engulf Adrian from head to toe.

“You know, that reminds me, you still haven’t explained to me who or what the hell the Ugly is,” Jake interrupted his thoughts. 

Adrian smiled, memories of his visit to Morro Bay and Leilani still at the forefront of his mind. “The Ugly is really called the Big Bad and Ugly Surf Contest. It’s a big event and one of the most challenging contests out there.”

“So it’s dangerous.” Jake’s voice held no concern, just curiosity.

Adrian shrugged. “Surfing is always a bit dangerous, just like snowboarding. In some areas it’s more dangerous than in others.”

In the meantime they had begun with Jake’s beers and had opened another bag of chips that Adrian had brought. Between the two of them they were set for the night. Just a few minutes later, Jake stretched his arms high over his head and begun to shuffle towards the trap door. “I gotta take a piss. Be right back.”

“We are in the middle of the forest in the middle of the night. You did not just say that!”

“Oh, come on, Adrian,” Jake laughed, turning back to him. “You have watched far too many horror movies as a child.”

“You were the one who watched them with me!” Adrian protested, barely able to hold his own laughter back.

Jake nodded sagely. “Yeah, that’s how I know it were too many.” Then he very deliberately repeated, “I will be right back.”

Jake was gone just a few minutes when Adrian heard the scuffle. Cursing he dropped his beer and hurried down the ladder, jumping the last few steps to the ground.

A little voice in his head screamed a constant litany of _shit shit shit_ at him, while he wondered who Jake was fighting with. They didn’t have much problems with criminal elements here. Drug dealers, for example, rarely strayed near Cedar Peak. The remote location should have drawn them here in spades, but mostly they rather conglomerated near Three Rivers.

Chances were, this was personal. And Deran was around. He could take things very personal even if they didn’t or at least shouldn’t involve him. 

But Adrian didn’t want to believe that Deran would go after Jake right now. He had just told Jake that he thought Deran had changed. Maybe he had. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he had seen Adrian and Jake enter the tree house together and drawn his own conclusions to his observation. Being completely wrong about it, of course, but that hardly mattered now, did it?

Just as Adrian’s feet landed on the roots of the tree, he heard something hard connecting with flesh and the sound of a body hitting the ground. 

“No,” he whispered, truly afraid of what he was going to find. He forged ahead anyway, rushing between bushes and trees towards the source of the noise. When he got to the small clearing Jake and he had declared to be their tree house outer toilet more than a decade ago, he stumbled to a stop, mind trying desperately to catch up to what his eyes were seeing. 

Jake lay on the ground, unmoving. From where he stood, Adrian couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. The man standing over Jake held a crowbar in his hand and Adrian could have sworn he was able to see blood glistening on it in the pale moonlight. Jake’s blood.

“Mick,” Adrian breathed out, voice merely above a whisper, terror and relief fighting to get the upper hand. 

Not Deran. 

Mick.

“I told you we would talk later, fag.” Mick gripped the crowbar tight. “Now is later.”

The most reasonable thing to do would have been to turn around and run back to the cars, either calling for help from there or getting help by driving away. But that would have meant leaving Jake at Mick’s mercy. If he wasn’t dead yet, he definitely would be by the time Adrian got back with backup in tow. He couldn’t risk that.

“So talk,” Adrian snapped, adrenaline pumping through his body, while he sent an internal mantra of _don’t be dead, don’t be dead, don’t be dead_ to Jake.

Mick’s grin seemed slightly more deranged than usual. “Oh, I thought I’d let my little friend do most of the talking.”

He hefted the crowbar up and started to advance on Adrian, who rapidly backed away. A groan from Jake caught Adrian’s attention and he let his steps falter for a moment. He saw Jake moving a bit on the ground, slowly regaining consciousness if he had even lost it in the first place. Adrian’s mantra changed to a chorus of _please, let it have been less than thirty seconds_.

If Jake had been knocked out hard enough to be unconscious for longer than half a minute, brain damage would be a given. And considering that this wasn’t the first time Jake got his head bashed in, a spectacular snowboarding accident a few years back came unbidden to Adrian’s mind, it just meant that he was more perceptible to brain injuries. A concussion probably would be the least of his problems.

Mick stopped his advance and turned around at Jake’s groan, maybe contemplating if he should go back and deal out another blow with the crowbar, this time making sure that Jake wouldn’t get up again.

_No, don’t, he’s no danger to you_. The words ran through Adrian’s mind, but he didn’t dare to voice them out loud. For all he knew, Mick would take them as invitation to beat Jake up some more.

Taking a deep breath, fully aware that this was probably the most stupid thing he had ever done, Adrian stepped towards Mick. If you are sane, you don’t go towards the threat, you run from it at full speed, seeking help and/or safety. But Adrian had always been drawn to danger, even if he wanted to deny it. Deran wouldn’t have had such a sway over him otherwise.

“Congratulations, you knocked a deputy out. What’s next? Straight up murder?” Adrian couldn’t believe the words that escaped his mouth.

Spinning back around, Mick didn’t look like he could believe them either, but he answered nevertheless. “Sounds like a great idea. You ready to die?”

No. No, he definitely wasn’t. But if he could keep up the crazy talk while slowly going backwards, then maybe he would be able to lure Mick a good distance away from Jake.

“Not really, no. But I guess I can’t convince you to stop trying,” Adrian said.

“Not really, no,” Mick answered with a fear inducing grin.

Although he knew he had to keep Mick talking, he decided that he had enough of his attention to run away now and have Mick come after him instead of finishing what he had started with Jake.

So Adrian threw himself around and raced towards the cars, towards his phone waiting there. He only risked a short glance back to assure himself that Mick was really following him. Seeing the crazed man charging after him like a mad bull, had him facing forward again, intent on bringing as much distance between himself and Mick. Getting to his phone would cost him precious time, he knew that. But driving away was still out of the question. With the car he wouldn’t be able to reach Jake to collect him and leaving him here alone with Mick wasn’t going to happen. 

So calling for help it was. And hoping that he could fend Mick off long enough for said help to arrive.

When the cars came into sight, Adrian put on a burst of speed he didn’t know he had saved just for this occasion and collided with the door of his car, too fast, too anxious to properly slow down. He barely registered the flat tires, evidence that Mick had taken care that Adrian and Jake wouldn’t have had any opportunity to flee by car in the first place. Adrian just yanked the door open, reached for his phone and hit number one on the speed dial. Clutching the mobile in his hand, he whirled around just to see that Mick had come uncomfortably close. Instead of staying still like a deer in the headlights, Adrian convinced his legs to move and continued running, the phone pressed to his ear.

After a few rings, someone finally answered.

“Adrian, what’s u-” he heard Ryan say, but interrupted him, panting out the facts Ryan needed to know to act.

“Send everyone you know to the tree house. Please. Mick is here and he got to Jake. I don’t know how bad it is, but I need help. Now.”

While talking Adrian must have slowed down because the next thing he knew was a searing pain in his wrist as Mick’s crowbar connected with it. He screamed, jumping out of reach, but losing his phone in the process. 

_Shit_.

~AD~

Adrian was gone. 

Again.

No surprise there, really, given Deran’s little episode the night before. Jesus, he had been so stupid, cornering Adrian to tell him he had changed. Great tactic to get his point across. And so very believable, too.

So much for his plans to apologize. It seemed as if every time Deran made up his mind, convinced to do it right this time, his basic instincts went haywire and his hind brain sat up to do the talking, which mostly consisted of “ADRIAN. MISS HIM. HAVE TO HOLD ON TIGHT. NOT LETTING GO THIS TIME.”

He should go outside, find the nearest tree and bang his head against it, just until he had himself under control again. And control was another thing that stood in his way to making up with Adrian, wasn’t it? Adrian had feared that Deran had been too much in control during their relationship, while his actions yesterday had proven without doubt that regarding Adrian, Deran’s control slipped on all accounts. Always.

Just as he wanted to bury his head in his hands or slam his fists into the nearest objects (cushions, how deeply unsatisfying), Craig dropped next to him onto the couch.

“You know that Adrian is only gone for the night, right? He’ll be back tomorrow.”

Leave it to Craig to figure out that his thoughts were on Adrian again. Okay, maybe not that much of a stretch considering they hadn’t been anywhere else in quite a while by now.

“That’s what Ryan said, anyway,” Deran grumbled. For all he knew Ryan could be covering Adrian’s escape to who knew where. “Where is he anyway?”

Craig waved his hand towards the hallway. “The pool. He said that he can forget about the missing prosthetic while he’s swimming. I told him to leave the door open to holler if he’s drowning or some shit like that.”

Drowning. Like Dave almost had.

Deran sat up straight again. “Adrian left.”

“Just for tonight,” Craig reiterated with an impressive roll of his eyes.

“Not what I meant,” Deran shot back. “Adrian left us alone with Ryan. With a vulnerable Ryan.”

Craig went from annoyed to dubious in a heart beat. “What are you planning?”

“Nothing,” Deran snapped, then took a deep breath to tell Craig where his thoughts were leading. “I just figured out that Adrian trusts us not to do anything drastic, that he thinks it’s safe for Ryan to be in our company.”

Which meant, that regardless how frightened, no, regardless how _terrified_ Adrian had been of Deran and what he might do, by now he had obviously come to the conclusion that Deran wouldn’t turn on his friends, not anymore. That spoke of the kind of trust Deran had thought lost forever if he ever had it to begin with. And his actions the night before had not been enough to break that trust.

He was more convinced than ever that he still might have a chance, that he could fix everything between himself and Adrian. Surely not all at once, but bit by fucking bit. He just had to find the right way to do it. And what he had pulled off yesterday definitely wasn’t the right way. 

“You know,” Craig finally said, “you ever thought about it another way? That maybe Adrian’s need to get away from us was far greater than any worry he has for Ryan?”

Well, that surely would have pulled the rug right out from under any of Deran’s conclusions. But he still thought he knew Adrian better than Craig did, so he could answer confidently, “You said it yourself. Adrian is a good guy. He isn’t like that. If he were worried about Ryan, he wouldn’t have left. Hell, he probably would have called Jake and Steve for backup.”

“Yeah,” Craig conceded with a short nod. “You are probably right. And it’s not as if he couldn’t guess why we are here.”

Deran sat up straight again, the electric current of shock running through him moved his body without him thinking about it. “What?”

“Oh, come on, Deran,” his brother almost choked on his laughter. “You have been far from subtle since we got here. Adrian isn’t stupid and he would have to be that as well as blind and deaf to not notice what is going on. Believe me, he knows. But I have the feeling that he’s pretty good at denying it.”

“Guess I can’t complain about that,” Deran grumbled. He could understand why Adrian wouldn’t want to acknowledge what was happening right in front of him, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. 

“No,” Craig agreed. “But you can fucking do something about it. Get off your ass and finally do what you came here for in the first place. Stop letting yourself get derailed. You two can’t dance around your issues forever. Not if you want to make it work.”

But did Adrian even want to make it work? For all the optimism Deran felt about having a chance, his whole journey might just end with getting Adrian’s friendship back, but nothing more. And Deran would be left with the choice to either accept this or lose Adrian for good. 

“I need some air,” Deran got out while he shot up from his seat and stalked outside. Craig didn’t try to hold him back. 

Deran left through the back door, crossed through the garden and followed the path that started behind the house. The trees blocked the waning light, plunging the world beneath their leaves in shadow and semidarkness. This suited Deran’s mood just fine as he stomped along the path.

He had never before considered the option that Adrian and him could only be friends. He didn’t know if he would be able to heed Adrian’s wishes in that regard considering how much he gravitated towards the other surfer, how much he wanted to touch him again, to feel him again. And he wouldn’t be able to see Adrian with anyone else, about that he was sure.

Deran wanted back what they had had before, what they had had in Belize. Everything had been so much easier there, forgetting about Smurf, the family business and any obligations waiting for him back in Oceanside. Between competing and surfing with the other occupants of the house, they had sneaked off to the beach. It had been just the two of them with hours and days stretching ahead of them to explore each other.

By now Deran wished that he could turn back time. He would have started over from Belize on. No, he wouldn’t have changed anything that had happened in Belize itself, he just wanted to live through that memory again. But from returning to Oceanside to finding himself in Cedar Peak, that’s where he would have done everything different. Well, okay, not everything. But a whole fucking lot. Maybe then he would have been able to keep Adrian by his side.

Deran told himself that he couldn’t change what had happened after Belize, but he could influence what happened now. If just the words he wanted to say actually came out of his mouth when facing Adrian, that would be a good start.

Following the path, Deran slowly returned to the Eagle’s Nest as darkness fell. When he stepped out of the forest, he found himself facing the front of the house instead of the garden. His walk hadn’t really helped to clear his head. In the end it just had been something to pass the time, leading him in a wide arc around Ryan’s home. 

Craig leaned next to the front door, when Deran arrived. The smell of weed hung heavy in the air. 

“Better?” His brother asked, but Deran could only shrug in answer as he passed him on his way inside. Craig shrugged back, as relaxed as Deran wanted to be. 

Deran continued into the living room where he finally came to stop at the windows and wondered what he should do next. Just a few minutes later, he watched Ryan enter the room, hopping along on crutches one legged. When Ryan began to talk, Deran found himself utterly unprepared for what he had to say. 

Ryan started the conversation with something akin more like a statement than a question, while he dropped on the couch as if he was a puppet with its strings cut. Then he pushed his crutches away with a heavy sigh. “You probably are Adrian’s best friend.”

“Sure.” Yeah, okay. Let’s go with that.

“And you know the guy Adrian had been with.”

Deran sat down in the armchair across from Ryan and answered with a wary “Yes.” Although he sometimes wondered just how well he knew himself.

Ryan continued, “Then you knew what was happening. You knew Adrian had slid into an abusive relationship, unable to get out by himself.”

Deran barely suppressed the flinch. He had never seen it that way. Sure, he had always known that Adrian deserved better than him, but he hadn’t been able to let go. He had clung too hard, had done things that came to bite him in the ass later, when he was willing to try again, try to be better, just to have Adrian finally pull away completely. Not just threatening to do so, but actually doing it.

“He got out by himself,” Deran disagreed under his breath.

“Yes,” Ryan conceded. Apparently, he had heard him anyway. “He told me.”

Deran felt himself tense up. What else had Adrian said to Ryan? Probably nothing about Deran or Ryan wouldn’t be sitting here calm as can be. He would have kicked him and Craig out without thinking twice about it.

“It’s not as if I hadn’t expected it before,” Ryan said, voice as grim as his face. “I had hoped that I was mistaken, that I interpreted all the signs wrong, although I already knew better. Adrian hadn’t talked about what happened for so long, I had to go on how he acted and reacted to come up with a likely scenario. Having him finally confirm what I feared… it’s what I expected, not what I wanted.” 

After a pause Ryan repeated, “You knew what was happening the whole time.”

Deran nodded, because yes, he knew. He was the one responsible for it, after all. He just wasn’t sure yet how much damage he had done.

“Then why the hell did you do nothing to stop it?” Ryan hissed at him, the usual warmth all but drained from his brown eyes. Without waiting for an answer and ignoring Deran’s flinch, he continued, “It’s obvious how you feel about him.”

Within a second Deran was ready to tear Ryan a new one, but Baz’s words came back to haunt him.

“Sorry, brother, but your crush on Adrian is even visible from outer space.”

It was one thing for Baz and the rest of his brothers to see how he felt about Adrian. They knew him, knew what he was like. It had been foolish to think he could keep a secret like Adrian from them. But to have a virtual stranger see it as well and see it that easily… His quick denial died silently on his lips and all he could do was shake his head.

“You ever tried to get Adrian to do something he didn’t want to do?” he asked instead. He had tried. It hadn’t worked out. At least not for long.

Ryan’s expression softened as he nodded. “Okay, point for you.” Then he changed the motion into shaking his head as well. “Just don’t confront him with it right now, okay?”

“What?” This time it was Deran’s turn to hiss into Ryan’s face.

“I’m not asking you to stay away from him,” Ryan conceded with a calmness that he could impossibly feel, not when he felt the same way about Adrian as Deran did. “But we just talked about that he got out of an abusive relationship recently. He will need time to get into a better place emotionally. And don’t get me started on the head space he’s probably in right now. That needs to get better as well. At the moment any new partner would pose more of a threat than a possible way to heal. But he’s getting better every day. That’s all the reassurance I can give you.”

“He’ll be okay, right?” Deran found himself asking, wishing the next moment he could take the words back.

But Ryan nodded with a small smile playing on his lips. “He has overcome so much already, some asshole with an abusive streak won’t hold him down for long.”

Two years. Deran had managed to hold onto Adrian for two years. Wasn’t that long?

The ringing of Ryan’s phone saved Deran from voicing his thoughts out loud. That might have been not one of his best ideas.

“Adrian, what’s u-” Ryan stopped speaking mid greeting, his eyes going wide, his face losing all color. Then he screamed Adrian’s name into the phone with a kind of desperation that caused Deran’s blood to run cold, fear for Adrian a heavy weight in his chest, making it hard to breathe.

When the phone slipped out of Ryan’s hand onto the table in front of him, Deran found his voice. “What is it? What happened? Is Adrian okay?”

“Get your brother, I am only telling this once,” Ryan said, while he snatched up the phone again, starting to dial without waiting for Deran’s reaction. 

Deran’s first instinct was to reach out and shake Ryan until he would give him all the answers he wanted, but when Ryan started to speak, urging the sheriff to “the tree house”, Deran turned around and stormed outside, where he knew he would find Craig. 

His brother was just done rolling a joint and fleetingly Deran thought he needed one now, badly, but there was no time. 

“Come back inside,” he told his brother gruffly. “There’s something wrong with Adrian.”

Craig raised his eyebrows in surprise, but got to his feet nonetheless. “Alright. What happened?” he asked.

“Hell if I know, but we’re about to find out,” Deran answered, restlessly biting down on the nail of his thumb. Craig swiped his hand away from his mouth on his way past him, then threw a questioning glance over his shoulder. 

“Living room,” Deran said and followed Craig, tension building with each step.

Unsurprisingly, they found Ryan where Deran had left him, sitting on the couch and looking so much on edge that Deran felt his own tension racket up a few more notches. What was with Adrian?

He just opened his mouth to ask, when Ryan spoke. “You both know how to shoot, right?”

Deran exchanged a glance with Craig, eyebrows raised. Both of them nodded. 

“Yes, why-” Craig didn’t come any closer to asking a question than Deran did, Ryan interrupting him all the same.

“Good. You’ll find two guns and the ammo in the cupboard over there, second drawer from the top. Considering what Adrian stumbled upon, you’ll need it if you come to his rescue.”

“When, not if,” Deran corrected, while he opened the indicated drawer and removed the metal case that looked like it could house two guns and the fitting ammunition. He brought the case to the couch table, while Craig demanded more information.

“What exactly did happen to Adrian?”

“He wanted to spend the night at the tree house he and Jake had built back then. From what I gathered, Jake had the same idea.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Craig interjected with a frown. Deran wanted to object, because it sounded really bad. Who knew what those two ex lovers were up to? 

But Ryan continued to explain, “No, it doesn’t. But somehow Mick found his way there as well. And that, that is really bad. He already got Jake knocked out and I’m not sure if he got to Adrian as well. The call cut off with Adrian screaming.” Ryan stopped for a moment, his face mirroring the worry and despair Deran felt as he heard those words. After taking a deep breath, Ryan continued, “I already informed the sheriff, but we’re nearer to the tree house than any cop car. I can’t do anything from here, but I was hoping you would grab the guns and go there, ward Mick off till the police arrives.”

Oh, they would do a lot more than just ward that fucker off, Deran seethed. Out loud he only said, “Sure.” Then he opened the metal case, removed the guns with a feeling of relief. They would have serious fire power against Mick. And Deran wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

But his relief was short lived. In fact, it vanished the second he grabbed the ammo.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He barked out. “Are those rubber slugs? Seriously?”

“Careful. Just because they’re called less lethal doesn’t mean you couldn’t kill someone with it. It’s a last resort. And they are still safer than actual bullets when every few weeks I play host to a PTSD patient,” Ryan snapped back. Said PTSD patient was happily back with his wife and daughter and couldn’t be any help whatsoever at the moment.

Problem was, they had no time to argue. Rubber slugs would have to be sufficient. If what Ryan had told them was true, then time was running out for Adrian. Fast.

Loading the guns with jerky movements, Deran snapped, “Just tell us the way to the damn tree house.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for a few more kudos and lovely comments.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and don't mind the teeny tiny cliffhanger too much.  
> Edit: Corrected a few things.


	7. The future belongs to the brave

Mick was too close. Adrian didn’t know if they had been dancing around each other for minutes or hours, but he knew one thing. It would only take so long until the crowbar would find its target again and his wrist was already desperately screaming for ice. Still, Adrian wasted no thoughts on giving up. Help was on the way. Ryan would have seen to that. Adrian only had to survive until help reached him. 

Twisting out of the way of another blow, Adrian forced all of his concentration on Mick and how to evade him. It wasn’t easy, the terrain beneath his feet rocky, with roots criss-crossing all over. But he wasn’t the only one stumbling more than once. Mick had the same problems finding even footing, maybe even a bit more. At least until he threw the crowbar at Adrian with a scream of rage and jumped right after it. Adrian managed to jump out of the crowbar’s flight path, but Mick’s fist crashed with devastating force into his stomach. Releasing his breath in a painful gasp, Adrian bent over for a second, turning away from Mick, before gritting his teeth and bouncing up again to throw his elbow half blind in the direction he figured Mick to be. He connected with something and the following curse told him he hadn’t hit a tree. 

He spun around again and stumbled a few unsteady steps back, his uninjured hand protectively splayed over his stomach, his eyes trained on Mick.

Mick swiped a hand over his mouth and looked at the blood on his fingertips. “You hit like a girl,” he sneered.

Adrian thought of tiny, petite Grace with several black belts in a variety of martial arts, he thought of Leilani who probably could bash a guy’s head in with her surfboard if harassed to the breaking point, and he thought of Smurf who he had never seen deal out a blow but who was scary on a whole new level. With all those women in mind, Adrian failed to see how Mick’s words were supposed to be an insult. 

“Thanks,” he rasped out, slowly getting his breath back. They could stay like that, a few feet apart, trading non-insults until the cavalry arrived.

Mick had other ideas. 

Of course. 

Mick leapt over a root sticking out of the ground particularly high, moving damn fast for his bulk. He would have landed on top of him if Adrian hadn’t taken a few hasty steps to the side. He evaded Mick’s uppercut and the following punch, but he didn’t notice the low kick until his legs were swept out from beneath him. Adrian landed on the ground hard, the impact driving the air from his lungs so that instead of a scream only a pained grunt made it past his lips. He was too winded to get his breath back anytime soon, so he did the next best thing. He kicked out in Mick’s direction, then rolled away from him. He just needed a second to get into a standing position again, to better defend himself. 

Mick didn’t do him that particular favor. Instead, he threw himself on Adrian, leaving him just enough time to roll into a ball and cover his head with his arms as Mick started to rain down blows and kicks on him. One punch made it past his cover and crashed into his temple, not knocking him out, but cutting off his ability to think, to act for a second or two. When he came back to himself, it was mostly because of the taste of blood on his tongue and the pain in his side, where blow after blow rained down on his ribs. If they weren’t cracked or broken yet, they were certainly heavily bruised. 

To make matters even worse, Mick began talking and what poured out of his mouth terrified Adrian almost as much as the beating did. 

“You didn’t expect that I would follow you around since I knew you got back to Cedar Peak, did you?” Mick panted out, showing the first signs of exertion. “I waited for the right opportunity to finish our little talk. But fuck, you had to travel around all the time, didn’t you? Trips to Sequoia and to Max, really? Those times I almost thought you would know, that you chose destinations I couldn’t follow without being noticed. And who the fuck are those two guys who suddenly had to show up, eh? Your harem? Or your fucking bodyguards? Fuck, until tonight you were never alone. And even this time, that bastard Jake had to show up.”

Adrian didn’t try to think about how Mick had stalked him the whole time, waiting in the shadows for the opportunity to strike, unnoticed by all of them. Of course he had felt watched these past few days, but every time he had turned around, Deran had been there. He had never considered the possibility that there could have been someone else. And now Jake got injured because of him, because of one homophobic asshole hellbent on getting rid of him. 

Even though his thoughts swam sluggishly around inside his head, he still registered that every time Mick chose to kick him with a foot instead of pummeling him with his fists, he was standing only on one leg. Just one point of balance, Adrian’s mind supplied helpfully. He could use that, if he could gather enough strength to move. Kicking with his own legs was out of the question, it would just result in a very feeble movement that Mick probably would only laugh about. No, what he needed to do, was to move his whole body. Not the best idea in his situation given the way his ribs protested merely breathing by now, but probably the only chance he had. 

The next time Mick aimed a kick to Adrian’s mid section, Adrian was ready. Or as ready as he could be in his condition. As soon as Mick lifted his leg up, Adrian rolled into the leg still on the ground with all the speed and strength he could muster. It wasn’t all that much, but the movement took Mick by surprise anyway and was enough to send him crashing to the ground as well. 

There, take that.

Unfortunately, not having been pummeled for the last few minutes, meant that Mick was faster on his feet than Adrian and he just continued where he had left off, once he had worked himself into a kneeling position. Only difference was, Adrian had gotten a few seconds to breathe and now his other side got worked over by Mick’s fists. 

Great, that had helped. A lot. Really. Like not at all.

Trying to find at least something positive about his situation, Adrian guessed that help couldn’t be too far away now and that he could count himself lucky that Mick didn’t go searching for his crowbar to continue the beating. Adrian was pretty sure he didn’t have the energy to even crawl away by now.

He gritted his teeth, trying to think. But concentrating on anything other than the ringing in his ears, the pounding in his wrist or the pain in his ribs proved to be rather difficult. No, scratch that, it was simply impossible. But Adrian wasn’t going to die here. He wasn’t going to get murdered by a homophobic asshole in the middle of a forest. 

He had thought he would die surfing if he ever thought about dying at all. That a shark would mistake him for a seal and take a bite, that he would just bleed out. Or that he would fall from his board, hit his head on some reef and drown. Or that a wave would one day crush him. In no way how he wanted to die, but these possibilities had always seemed more probable than being beaten to death. Even if he had his fair share of encounters with homophobes, so far Mick had been the only one to ever try to seriously harm him.

He would survive this. He just had to hold on until help arrived and come hell or high water, he _would_.

Then everything happened too fast for Adrian to follow. First he heard something that sounded suspiciously like one of Ryan’s guns going off. Next Mick let out a curse that had Adrian cringing on the inside, before the beating stopped. Lying still, trying to get his bearings again, Adrian listened to his surroundings and had to concede that no, the beating hadn’t stopped. He just wasn’t involved in it any longer. How the hell had that happened?

“Jesus, Adrian. Can you stand?” Craig’s voice filtered through the confusion and the pain. 

Adrian wanted to tell him no, he didn’t think he could even move for the next few minutes or hours, but showing weakness to a Cody had never been a good idea. Better not start now. 

“Probably,” he bit out through gritted teeth and started on working to get himself into an upright position. He seemed to be too slow for Craig’s liking, because next thing he knew, Deran’s brother had taken one of his arms and pulled it around his shoulders, while slinging his own arm around Adrian’s waist. Well, at least he was standing again. More or less. He couldn’t deny that most of his weight rested on Craig.

One brother accounted for. Where the hell was the other? Right, there was still a beating going on. Adrian didn’t take long to find Deran. He had straddled Mick and was busy smashing his fists into Mick’s face.

So Craig held Adrian up, while Deran happily whaled on Mick. The cavalry was finally here.

“He’s going to kill him,” Adrian argued, while he tried to slip out of Craig’s grip. He didn’t have any success. Not because the big guy held him so tight, but because any movement lit a fire in every single bruise he had acquired this night.

“Bastard deserves it,” Craig muttered, looking Adrian over pointedly, which only made him feel the kicks and punches to his ribs again. It also made him even more aware of the blood trickling down his temple and of the pounding in his wrist.

“You are right, he does,” Adrian conceded. “But Deran doesn’t deserve to go to jail for murdering him.”

Craig seemed to think that over for a second, then he nodded and let go of Adrian. “Well, there is that.”

He could have argued that there were no witnesses who would tell, he could have argued that there was enough forest around to hide a body permanently, but he didn’t. And for that, Adrian was quite thankful. He didn’t think that he could live with being an accomplice to murder. Even if Mick was the one being murdered.

Swaying Craig’s mind had been easy. Pulling Deran off of Mick was decidedly less so. It took a lot of wrestling and a shove from Craig to yank Deran away from Mick’s prone figure. 

“I warned you,” Deran spat into Mick’s direction. “You touch Adrian, I break your neck!”

He seemed ready to jump on Mick again but Adrian slipped in between them, trying not to think about how he was defending a guy who had tried to kill him on more than one occasion. 

“Deran, let it go,” he told his… friend. “He’s had enough.”

For a moment Adrian thought Deran hadn’t heard him, hadn’t even registered his presence and was willing to plow right through him to get back to beating up Mick. But then the red haze lifted from his eyes, just to make place for a panicked expression, his gaze flicking from Adrian to Mick and back. Deran grabbed Adrian’s arm and pulled him a couple of steps away from Mick. 

“Don’t get so close,” he told Adrian, who was nearing his breaking point for this fucked up evening, close to laughing hysterically at the whole damn situation, because Deran looked as if he couldn’t decide what to do, get back to Mick and finish the job or hold onto Adrian and make sure he stayed as far away from Mick as possible.

“Right”, Adrian finally rasped out once he was sure he could keep the laughter from bubbling up. He shook off Deran’s hand and held out his own. “Give me your phone. I’m calling an ambulance.”

“For that fucker? Let him bleed to death!” Deran bit out, completely aghast.

“For Jake,” Adrian replied. _And for me_. “He’s pretty beaten up.” But at least he was breathing. And conscious, even if he was a little, okay, a lot disoriented.

“Oh yeah, him,” Deran mumbled, as if just remembering that Adrian wasn’t the only one Mick had attacked.

~AD~

Deran wanted to rip Craig’s arm right out of its socket. Maybe then his brother would finally stop with the relentless tapping. His fingers drummed against the window sill in an unnerving rhythm. In turn, Deran’s bruised knuckles pulsed in tune with every tap. Dismayed he looked down on his bandaged hands. Still, it had been worth it. 

Why the hell was Adrian taking so long? He had told them that he only wanted to get a couple of coffees. The way he had suspiciously looked between Deran and Jake had made it clear that he didn’t want to leave them alone for any length of time. Deran had therefore thought that Adrian would hurry and be back within minutes. 

God, he hated hospitals. He hated even more that he was stuck here with Jake of all people. 

Well, okay, he wasn’t exactly stuck. He could leave anytime he wanted. But hell if he would leave Adrian alone with Jake again. Just look where it had gotten him. In hospital. Luckily Adrian’s injuries consisted only of a few bumps and bruises, a cut at his temple and a sprained wrist. A few of his ribs were cracked and bruised, but none were broken. He didn’t have a concussion like Jake. After getting salve for the bruises, a band-aid for the cut, tape for his ribs and bandages for the wrist, Adrian had been declared free to go. There was nothing to really worry about. At least, that’s what Deran tried to tell himself. 

Deran regretted that the shot he had fired at Mick had gone wide, only diverting the fucker’s attention from Adrian instead of knocking him right off of him. No, Deran had had to do that himself. And he had done so gladly. In the end, that might have been far more satisfying than shooting Mick.

When Deran had seen Adrian on the ground, with that fucker bent over him, working him over with punches and kicks, any common sense had taken a jump out of the window, replaced by overwhelming panic and scarlet rage. It had been deeply satisfying to smash his fists into Mick’s face, knowing he hurt the fucker just as much as he had hurt Adrian. Tit for tat, an eye for an eye or however you wanted to call it, Deran had wanted to make Mick bleed for every bruise he had inflicted on Adrian. He had managed to do a fair share of damage before Craig had pulled him away and then Adrian had suddenly stood in front of him, battered and broken, but undeniably alive. It had been enough to pull him out of his deathly rage. Barely.

From the hospital bed came a groan as Jake fingered the bump on the back of his head. He had been lucky that Mick hadn’t cracked his skull open. Instead, he had gotten off relatively easy with his concussion.

“Ouch,” Jake muttered morosely.

“Stop poking at it,” Deran snapped, utterly fed up with the whiny bastard. “You’ll only make it worse.”

Jake snorted but let his hand drop back down to the bed. “It’s not as if this is my first concussion,” he muttered with a roll of his eyes. Then he looked around and seemed to realize that someone was missing. “Huh. Where did Adrian run off to?”

“Getting all of us coffee,” Craig answered, voice level, but his fingers still tapping on the window sill.

“For me, too?” Jake asked, looking like a hopeful puppy.

Deran took vicious pleasure in dashing those hopes. “Hardly.”

Jake’s face fell, but he didn’t look surprised. Maybe he really had been through this song and dance often enough.

“What did I miss?” Jake finally asked. “I mean, I was out only for a few seconds, but everything after that is kind of a blur. My dad was here, that I remember.”

“Yeah, well, he took Adrian’s and our statements and told us that this Mick character is facing an attempted murder charge in two cases, assault of a police officer and various other felonies. The sheriff was positive that Mick is going to get locked away for a long time,” Craig explained. “I think I heard him murmur something about throwing away the key and letting the bastard rot.”

“Would serve him right,” Jake grumbled. “Anything else I missed?”

“No, that’s all.” Again it was Craig who answered. 

Deran busied himself with nibbling at the nail of his thumb, wishing Adrian would return soon. He let his hand sink away when he noticed Jake’s curious stare. 

“What?”

“You know, I want to try something,” Jake said thoughtfully, clearly leaving the topic of Mick behind.

There was something twinkling in his eyes that made Deran’s hackles rise. “What?” he asked again, not bothering to keep the suspicion out of his voice.

“Belize,” was all Jake said, still watching him closely.

What the hell? Even while wondering why Jake knew about Belize or what exactly Adrian had told him, Deran couldn’t help but remember. Precious memories of him and Adrian at the beach, at their house they shared with some other surfers, their conversations and their stolen hours alone. 

Even if he would hardly admit it out loud, Deran missed more than just the sex. He missed talking to Adrian about all the things he couldn’t tell anyone else and he missed the trust Adrian had put in him back then and the feeling of being able to do just about anything he put his mind to.

“Ha, I knew it,” Jake shouted, voice half gleeful, half filled with another emotion that was harder to name and a lot darker than glee. “Even if I hadn’t known before, that alone seals the deal. You and Adrian pull the exact same face at the mention of Belize, as if it’s some kind of magical place where all your dreams come true.”

Jake wasn’t too far off. Their time in Belize really had felt like a dream. The confirmation that Adrian felt the same about Belize as he did, did something to Deran that felt suspiciously like butterflies in his stomach. 

“What do you mean if you hadn’t known before?” Deran demanded to know. Denying anything was too late now, Craig knew anyway and he couldn’t care less about what Jake thought. But Adrian had kept his secret all this time. Why break the silence now?

“Don’t worry, Adrian didn’t tell me anything,” Jake said with a snort. Could the guy read minds or what? “He just confirmed what I laid out on the table. You are not really subtle, you know? Maybe if you wouldn’t look at Adrian with heart eyes or get up in the middle of the night just to watch him sleep, you’d be harder to figure out.”

Of course now Craig stopped with the fucking tapping to plunge the room into silence, broken only when Craig finally asked, “You what? Really, man?” 

Shit. He remembered that night and that he had forgotten about Jake sleeping on the couch. He must have woken up when Deran had tip toed to Adrian’s room, intent on talking to him, but just as incapable of waking him up once he had seen him. He had been frozen to the spot, just staring at Adrian, who had looked so incredible peaceful, that he had closed the door again and had gone back to bed.

“Who else knows?” Deran asked instead of acknowledging Craig’s amused questions.

Jake shook his head. “No one. Adrian talked to me only because I figured it out on my own. And like I said, he just confirmed what I already knew, he didn’t add anything else. You really think Ryan would have let you into his home, let you anywhere near Adrian if he knew that you were the reason Adrian had left Oceanside?”

No, he wouldn’t have, not as crazy protective as he was about Adrian. “What else do you think you know?”

“I know that Adrian talked to Ryan about everything that happened. Of course he didn’t mention any names. I won’t either, although I know I should. But it’s Adrian’s decision.” Jake stopped and took a deep breath as if gathering courage for what he would say next. “Ryan mentioned once that he suspected Adrian of hiding bruises. Did he? Did he have bruises to hide?”

Deran bit his lip, wondering if he should really answer the question, because yes, he had given Adrian plenty of those. And he wasn’t even thinking about the incident in the public restroom. Deran wasn’t the kind of guy who left hickeys. No, he left bruises instead. But Adrian had never complained about them, barely even acknowledged that they were there at all. So if Adrian didn’t seem bothered by them, why should he?

Only once he had tried to leave a hickey on Adrian’s neck, but Adrian had stopped him with the question, “Are you really ready to go down that road?”

Deran had wanted to answer that yes, he definitely was if it meant that people stopped looking at and talking to Adrian as if he was still available. But then common sense had kicked in and had reminded him what his actions would entail. Everyone knew that Adrian was gay. They would want to know who the boyfriend was and sooner or later Deran would be in the position where he had to out himself. To his friends. To his brothers. To _Smurf_. 

Deran had not left any hickeys on Adrian’s neck that night, but the bruises on Adrian’s hips had been still there the next time they had fucked.

In the end, Deran just nodded, but didn’t elaborate. Jake didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look surprised either.

“Were you at any time as bad as Mick?”

“No,” Deran shook his head vehemently. “Never.” Not even in that damn public restroom.

“So at least you never sent Adrian to the hospital,” Jake said and all too predictably, Deran couldn’t help but flinch.

Jake’s eyes grew wide as saucers as he stared incredulously at Deran, the color bleeding from his face. “You what?!”

Deran shifted on his feet but didn’t offer any sort of explanation. It wasn’t any of Jake’s business anyway. Aware of the other set of eyes burning a hole into his head, he chanced a glance at Craig, who looked equally surprised and deeply troubled. What the hell? He had told his brother that he had beaten Adrian up. And Craig must have seen the impressive shiner Adrian had been sporting at one point.

“I’m getting Adrian. Don’t kill each other,” Craig muttered as he shoved away from the window. He didn’t give them any chance to hold him back, striding out of the room as if they were chasing him out.

Jake didn’t react to Craig leaving, still focused on Deran, still seeming as if he could explode any moment. 

“Is that why Adrian came here? To get away from you? Of course he did. But what did you do besides the obvious? Threaten his life?” Jake asked, voice trembling with badly suppressed rage. “Is that why you came here? To finish what you started back in Oceanside?”

“What? No!” Deran barked out. This was utterly ridiculous. Hadn’t he just saved Jake’s and Adrian’s collective asses from that psycho Mick? These past few days he would have had so many opportunities to harm Adrian if he had truly wanted to, and how many had he taken? Exactly none of them. Jake had to know that, had to know that he didn’t make any sense at all.

But Jake didn’t seem to think all that clearly at the moment, fully ignoring Deran’s protests. “You…” he gasped out, breath coming out in labored heaves, looking as if he was dangerously close to a heart attack. 

Adrian chose that moment to come back, holding a tray with two coffees in one hand, his attention on the cups, even though there didn’t seem to be much danger of spilling anything.

“I talked to Ryan, he is on his way here. The techs managed to repair the prosthetic, and Doc Wu brought it to him, so now he’s fully mobile again. I also ran into Craig just a moment ago, he told me to hurry back. What’s this about?” Adrian told them, while he put the tray down on Jake’s bedside table, snatching up one of the cups and moving towards Deran. When he looked around, his brows drew together in confusion, his posture tensing up. “What happened?”

“You,” Jake started again, waving his arms around, first pointing to Adrian, then to Deran as he continued. “He…”

When Jake didn’t get any more words out, Adrian looked to Deran for clarification while handing him the cup. There was no accusation in his eyes, just curiosity with a hint of suspicion. Deran couldn’t stand the emotions Adrian conveyed or those he felt crawling up his own throat, so he broke the gaze and looked away.

“He put you into hospital?!” Jake finally got out, sounding even more enraged than he had a minute ago.

Out of the corner of his eyes Deran observed how Adrian swiveled his head around to Jake before looking back at Deran, as if searching for an answer to the obvious question, how Jake could know because it was clear that Adrian had never told him. Deran pressed his lips together and shrugged. The cat was out of the bag now anyway. Might as well let Jake know the whole story.

“It was for one night and it wasn’t nearly as damaging as anything Mick has done,” Adrian finally said as he snatched up his own cup from the bedside table. His hand didn’t tremble at all, despite how many unpleasant memories that topic had to evoke.

“Meaning what exactly?” Jake wanted to know, voice not much more than an agitated hiss. He still managed to glare at Deran menacingly, even lying in a hospital bed, clothed in that ridiculous gown.

Adrian closed his eyes for a second and took a gulp from his own coffee before he answered, eyes now boring into Jake’s. “Meaning three cracked ribs, the possibility of my spleen rupturing - which it didn’t by the way - and a black eye. That’s all.”

“That’s all?!” Jake’s voice climbed to a height that it really shouldn’t. “I think that’s plenty already!”

He stared hard at Deran for a long moment, clearly trying to get himself under control again, then he declared, “As soon as Ryan and Steve arrive, you will have three people here, all owning guns, all knowing how to use them and all willing to kill for Adrian. Think really hard about what your next move will be. You hurt him again, no one will find your body, I promise you that.”

Adrian’s head snapped up at Jake’s threats. “Jake,” he began, but Deran interrupted him. 

“Deal.” When Adrian and Jake swiveled around to him in perfect synchrony, Deran continued, “I have no intention to hurt him.”

He had never had, but that hadn’t stopped him from doing so anyway. But even if he did know that Jake was talking shit, considering that Steve had given his service gun away ages ago and Ryan had only rubber slugs as ammunition, maybe it would be enough to know that Jake could still come after him with a gun to stop him from doing anything absolutely stupid. 

No, it probably wouldn’t. He had to stop himself from being an idiot, which was easier said than done as he had proven time and again.

Sipping his coffee and watching Adrian, seeing emotions like disbelief, exasperation and… fondness flit across his features he remembered the night of Craig’s party again. Adrian had looked completely thrown then as well, but he had also looked a lot more afraid. Though as determined as he had been, fear hadn’t stopped him from giving Deran a sound piece of his mind.

Back then Deran had practically begged for another chance and by now he was desperate enough that he wasn’t above begging again.

And if they ended up just being friends? They had been best friends first and foremost. Becoming lovers had happened much later. Deran would have to learn to accept that he’d be staying on the sidelines of Adrian’s love life. 

He was also convinced he couldn’t do that.

The chance to start over might be all that Deran should ask for, but he knew himself better than that. He knew he would ask for more. Or rather demand it. Experience had taught him that he wouldn’t get far with this kind of approach. But the thought of someone else being with Adrian turned his stomach and he knew he had to at least try for more. 

Craig had been right, Deran admitted grudgingly. He had to get off his ass and finally talk to Adrian. What they were doing now couldn’t go on forever. And he owed it to Adrian - and himself - to finally end this whole suspense, consequences be damned. No matter how much he feared them.

~AD~

Adrian stalked up and down in front of the hospital, some kind of nervous energy buzzing inside of him he just couldn’t get rid of. He couldn’t decide who was responsible for it, Deran or Mick. Deran who had talked to Jake about… well, them. Or Mick who had landed in the very same hospital after Deran had gone fully Hulk on him. 

Adrian had left Jake’s room with his head a right mess. The way Deran had looked at him, the way he had held his own against Jake without resorting to violence… Well, Deran had told Adrian that he had changed. Maybe it was finally time to acknowledge the truth behind those words.

Leaving Jake and Deran alone after the whole truth about Deran’s and Adrian’s relationship had exploded in the small hospital room might not have been one of his best ideas, but he had needed to get away from both of them. At least for a few minutes. And they had already proven that they wouldn’t kill each other, not even when taking the latest developments into account.

Adrian had made it as far as the corridor Mick’s room was on, trying to psych himself up to see Mick one more time, to make sure he really wouldn’t get the chance to cause harm to anyone else. He had done more than enough already. 

But before Adrian had been able to enter the room, the sheriff had stepped out, nearly colliding with Adrian and mustering him with the same knowing look that Adrian could remember from his childhood.

“I tried to take a statement from him, but that broken jaw didn’t really help in getting any understandable words out.” The sheriff hadn’t sounded particularly worried or sorry. No surprise there, considering that his son lay with a concussion in another hospital bed because of Mick. 

“Will Deran get into trouble?” Adrian had asked, unable to keep the worry out of his voice. In his mind he could still see Deran’s fists connecting with Mick’s face from all possible angles.

“For defending you? Probably saving your life and Jake’s? Hardly. I will personally see to that.” And the sheriff had the influence to make sure of it, too.

One less thing to worry about, Adrian thought while taking another turn, then stumbling to a halt before he could run straight into Deran.

“Hey,” he greeted with all the eloquence he could muster, hoping his voice didn’t sound as much like a squeak as he suspected.

“Hey,” Deran nodded back, all coiled up tension, his gaze sliding from Adrian’s temple to his bandaged wrist. “You alright?”

“Yes.” And he really was, against all the odds. “Thanks to you and Craig.”

Deran shrugged his words off, looking uncomfortable and angry and unsure and… determined? 

“How are you?” Adrian wanted to know, not entirely certain he trusted this version of Deran.

“I half wish the bullet would have found its target,” Deran growled, throwing the hospital a dark look. “I could just go in and finish the job.”

That sounded more contemplative and less ready for action than Adrian had feared. “No need to,” he hurried to say nonetheless. “Mick’s going back to prison and I doubt this time he will get out as easily as before.”

“Well, I hope not. For his sake. He better pray our paths won’t cross again.”

Adrian could almost feel the hairs on his neck rise. Thing was, Deran didn’t sound as if he was posturing. No, he meant what he said. 

“I doubt it will come to that,” Adrian finally got out, while he wondered what exactly they were doing here. Where the hell was Deran going with this?

It seemed, Deran hadn’t much of an idea either, because the next thing out of his mouth was, “I heard Jake will be released tomorrow.” 

Adrian half expected him to start fidgeting any second now.

“If there are no complications, then yes. Why?” Adrian felt as if Deran’s uneasiness was contagious.

“You and Jake…” Deran trailed off, but Adrian clearly recognized the jealousy and the worry in his eyes. He had seen that kind of look before, when they had been talking about Dave.

“Are long since over,” Adrian said as soon as he realized where Deran was going with his questions. It was the truth and he didn’t want Deran to get any ideas. “We are just friends. Have been for longer than we were lovers.”

“Jake seems as if he wants to change that,” Deran grumbled.

“I can understand why you’re suspicious of Jake, but I can assure you that he just loves to drive everybody insane. Me especially,” Adrian told him and finally found the courage to ask at least one of the questions he needed answered. “What I can’t figure out is why you hate Ryan so much. What the hell did _he_ do?”

“You really have to ask?” Deran shot back, looking more baffled than he had any right to be, as if the answer was so obvious that Adrian should have figured it out from the get-go. “The guy is so smitten with you I’m surprised he hasn’t made a move on you yet! He had probably more chances than anyone else and I have seen how you gravitate towards him.”

For a moment, Adrian could only stare, trying to figure out how Deran could have gotten everything so fundamentally wrong. In the end, he just asked, “Would Craig ever make a move on you?”

Deran snorted, as if the question didn’t really deserve an answer, but he replied anyway, “Of course not. He’s straight. And my brother.”

“So why would Ryan?”

“He’s straight?” Deran shook his head in disbelieve and then added, “You’re an only child.”

“I had been until my parents died in a car accident. The family that took me in already had a son. Ryan and I may not be brothers by blood, but in every other way that counts.”

Adrian had lost his parents when he had barely been a year old. He didn’t even remember them, although he sometimes missed them fiercely, missed the opportunity to grow up with them. Instead the family that had taken him in, friends of his parents, had been the only family he had ever known with Ryan being the best big brother he could have wished for. Adrian was reasonably sure that he and Deran had talked about it at one point during their relationship. But he was also sure that Deran hadn’t taken into account that Ryan could’ve been that brother. He had just seen someone else drawing Adrian’s attention away from him.

Deran took a step closer to Adrian, just to step back again. He raked both hands through his hair before shaking his head once more. “I’m such an idiot.”

Adrian didn’t disagree. 

Finally Deran turned back to Adrian, the pinched look slowly receding from his features, making way for an apprehension that Adrian wondered about. “You know, I actually came here to talk to you, not to scare the crap out of you.”

“Okay?” Well, he certainly had succeeded in both. Not that Adrian would tell him as much. It probably was clear enough anyway. And even if Adrian knew the answer, he still had to ask. “Talk about what?”

“Us,” Deran shot back. As soon as he had spoken, he looked as if he wanted to snatch the words from the air and stuff them back into his mouth.

“Us,” Adrian repeated. He felt simultaneously going numb and lit on fire, as if he were on the outside looking in and still right in the middle of their conversation. This was real. It was really happening. The answer Adrian had chased after and feared so much since Deran and Craig had arrived in Cedar Peak, lay right in front of him.

“I am not like you.” Deran gestured helplessly. “You grew up around here.”

“Yes, I did.” Even as he answered, Adrian had the feeling that Deran didn’t necessarily mean Cedar Peak, but something else entirely. And it certainly wasn’t the kind of topic he had expected, following what Deran had said.

“You didn’t grow up with Smurf and Baz and Pope and Craig. You grew up with Ryan and Steve, with Grace and Jake. Do you have any idea what difference that makes?”

“I have an inkling,” Adrian replied. And he really had. He had grown up with people who had known early on who he was and who he liked. He had never felt the need to hide. In contrast, the surroundings Deran had grown up in didn’t really scream acceptance. They were full of danger, not forgiving any mistakes, real or imagined ones.

Still, it didn’t excuse anything Deran had done.

Adrian wondered if he should prod more, but the tension in Deran seemed to have reached its highest level yet. He decided to bring their talk back on track and asked instead, “If you came here to talk about us, what did you want to say?”

Deran took a deep breath and then… then it was like a dam breaking, the words pouring out of Deran seemingly without control. They had to have been building up to escape for days, maybe even weeks.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for everything you had to endure because of me. I regret the pain I caused you, I regret everything I put you through and I regret that you felt the need to leave Oceanside, that you had to leave the sea. But most of all, I regret that I lost you. When you left I was devastated. It was my fault, my fuck ups that drove you away. But I want to make it alright. I need to make it alright. Tell me… Tell me how to get one more chance. I promise I won’t blow it. Just… come home. Please.”

It was surreal. That was all Adrian could think of. Deran standing in front of him, here, in Cedar Peak, begging for and demanding another chance, his voice holding a desperate edge that cut Adrian too deep. The same desperate edge that had been in his voice at the night of Craig’s party, right outside the surf shop. Adrian had forced himself to ignore it back then, had known it had been the only way to be able to leave. He couldn’t do that now, not after everything that had happened. And he didn‘t want to either.

Deran looked as if he teetered on a narrow line, right between taking his words back and adding even more. Adrian on the other hand was convinced he himself looked like a deer in the headlights, especially after Deran practically told him to list his conditions. So he blurted out the first thing he could think of. By far not the most important one, but hey, never underestimate baby steps.

“No more hiding. You don’t want to tell the world who you really are, fine. But don’t expect me to hang around for illicit meetings in public restrooms,” yeah, he still had nightmares about that one, “or you doing some breaking and entering to my apartment. I either invite you in or not and you’ll fucking accept my decision.”

“Okay.” Deran nodded as if it was no big deal, as if Adrian hadn’t just asked him to come out to the world, to his _family_. “What else?”

“No more beatings.” It slipped out before Adrian could really think of an answer. “I’m tired of sleeping with one eye open, tired of fearing to land in the hospital because someone saw how I went down on you.”

Now it was Deran’s turn to flinch. Across his face flitted regret at first, but was quickly washed away by determination. He lifted a hand as if to reach out to Adrian, but let it drop again before his intention became clear. “No more beatings, I promise. What else?”

“No more going after people I meet,” Adrian told him. And for the moment, this was the most important condition he could think of. If Deran couldn’t agree to this one, Adrian would have to move. He wouldn’t be able to stay in Oceanside with the knowledge that he could cause serious injury just by talking to someone.

Of course, this was the one point that caused Deran to balk. “Seriously?”

Adrian said nothing, just pressed his lips into a thin line and waited. His heart pounded so hard against his ribcage that he wondered how Deran couldn’t hear it from those few feet away.

“Dave did a lot more than just talk to you,” Deran stone-walled, crossing his arms in front of his chest and glowering at Adrian.

“That still gave you no right to send Pope after him!” Adrian snapped. “I can’t live with the knowledge that I’m signing people’s death warrants just because they talk to me or I talk to them or yes, maybe do even more than talking.”

After Adrian had spoken the last word, Deran lost a little of the glower, although something akin to panic surfaced in his eyes for a moment, gone again in the next, so that Adrian wasn’t sure if he had really seen it or if he should chalk it up to his imagination.

Deran uncrossed his arms and nodded, determination back on his features. “Fine, Dave and whoever else comes after him - they are of the hook. But if one of them hurts you, I can’t guarantee for anything.”

Adrian nodded, wisely not pointing out that Deran had been the one to hurt him the most these past few months. Well, not counting Mick, of course.

“What else?” Deran asked again. 

And Adrian? He came up empty. The main points, the things that had to drastically change for them to even have an inkling of a chance, had been addressed and accepted. 

Everything else… “We figure the rest out as we go along,” Adrian decided at last. “I just want you to give us the chance we deserve.”

“You sure?” Deran asked, taking a careful step closer. “We try again?”

Adrian fought not to take a step back. If he said that he would give Deran another chance, he had to bring trust to the table. If he wanted this to work, he had to be brave. “It won’t be easy.”

The smile that spread over Deran’s features was breathtaking and hauntingly beautiful. “But it will be worth it.”

Adrian stared in disbelieve, completely forgetting the urge to flinch as Deran took yet another step closer, bridging the gap between them. Then he reached out a hand to cup Adrian’s face and slowly began to lean in, telegraphing his intentions loud and clear while giving Adrian all the time in the world to step away if he wanted to. Adrian didn’t move a muscle, too blindsided by the fact that holy shit, Deran was going to kiss him. He was going to kiss him in broad daylight, where people could see, where Craig could see. And hadn’t Adrian noticed Deran’s brother heading out of the hospital before?

Then Deran’s lips landed on his and all thoughts flew right out of his head. Everything else was lost to the moment. The kiss wasn’t forceful, but it wasn’t overly tender either. It was determination and a promise and everything Adrian had been missing for far too long. Adrian was glad that Deran’s other hand landed on his waist to reel him in because he was pretty sure his knees were going to buckle. The hand that cupped his face wandered to his neck, holding him in place while Deran’s thumb drew gentle circles across his skin. Somewhere between one moment and the next, Adrian’s uninjured hand gripped Deran’s shoulder, part of him needing to make sure that this was real, that he wasn’t just imagining it, another part of him needed the anchor to keep upright, so he just held on for dear life.

Adrian didn’t know how long they kissed, but when they broke apart for air, they didn’t go far. Deran leaned his forehead against Adrian’s, breath mingling with his. 

“Fucking finally,” a familiar voice called out and broke Adrian out of his post-kiss haze. He turned his head to the side and saw Craig standing a few feet away, joint in one hand and wearing a huge smile that threatened to split his face in half.

Adrian wanted to step away, give Deran space in front of his brother, but the arm around his waist tightened and drew him a bit closer instead. 

“Not gonna let you go again,” Deran mumbled, when Adrian threw him a questioning glance. 

Deran looked at him with a kind of wonder on his face that made Adrian’s heart ache. As if he was surprised that they found themselves here, ready and willing to try again. But that was okay. Adrian felt exactly the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it, the penultimate chapter. Hope it's not too much of a mess.  
> The last scene nearly drove me insane while writing it. Letting the boys finally have their talk sure wasn't easy.  
> I'm not sure the higher rating is necessary, but I'm rather on the safe side with this chapter.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and once again I have to thank all of you for taking the time to read and for leaving comments and kudos. You are the best!


	8. And the cycle is fulfilled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, but here it is. Finally. The last chapter, with all loose ends tied up, I hope.  
> First of all I want to thank everyone who joined me on this journey that lasted a little longer than a year.  
> Thank you for each and every kudos and comment and for taking the time to read what I have cobbled together.  
> Fair warning for this chapter: The guys finally have sex, more or less explicit. As stated in the tags, they do it unprotected, which I strongly advise against. I'm just going to pretend that they got tested first and hadn't had any other partners since then.  
> Also, this is my first time writing sex scenes. Please don't expect too much.  
> Now there's only one thing left to say: Hope you enjoy. :-)

Jake had taken to call every other night. Adrian had taken to call him a mother hen, but Jake argued he had to make sure that Deran didn’t send Adrian to the hospital again. 

Never should have told him that, Adrian thought, as he heard his cell ringing yet again. Sighing he left the bathroom to return to the kitchen, where he found Deran sitting at the table, a beer in front of him and Adrian’s phone in his hand. 

“Yes, calm down. He is here,” Deran growled and held the phone out to Adrian. He took it with a churning in his gut, thinking that he maybe should have told Deran about the frequency of Jake’s calls at one point.

“Hi Jake,” he said into the phone, not even bothering to check the caller ID. “Don’t you have anything better to do than checking up on me?”

“Nope,” Jake answered cheerfully, yet his voice held an uneasy tension that Adrian wondered about. “Especially not when someone else is answering your phone, almost sending me into a cardiac arrest,” Jake continued, giving Adrian enough information to piece everything together.

“You didn’t really think that…” he started, completely unnerved. Just because Deran had answered his phone didn’t mean he had beaten him into unconsciousness or worse.

“Why not?” Jake shot back. “Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”

While he talked to Jake and even managed to calm him down again, Adrian wandered up and down the kitchen, unable to sit down and all too aware of Deran watching his every move. When Adrian had told Jake that he wanted to try again with Deran, Jake had exploded into colorful and creative swearing, listing all the things he would do to Deran if he stepped out of line even once. 

Adrian didn’t tell him that Deran would step out of line. Of course he would. Adrian would, too. Just not in the same way. They were both traveling uncharted territory with no idea where their path might lead, they just knew what they wanted their destination to be. Until they got there, it would be a long way with more than a few pitfalls they would have to navigate.

When Adrian finally ended the call, he almost wanted to apologize to Deran. Who knew what kind of accusations Jake had hurled at him. In the end he just bit his lip and didn’t say anything. 

“He does this often?” Deran asked, sprawling in his chair and appearing to be calmness personified. “Calling you?”

Adrian opened his mouth to answer but snapped it shut again when his eyes fell on Deran absentmindedly drumming his fingers against the bottle of beer in front of him. Dread rose in Adrian’s body every time one of Deran’s fingers struck the glass and he felt his muscles tense up, preparing for the attack to come, while a memory emerged from the depths of his mind.

They had been in this situation once before, Deran asking about a guy calling Adrian. They had been in the kitchen then as well. And Deran had also taken hold of a bottle of beer. Which had ended up sailing past Adrian’s head and shattering against the wall when the answer hadn’t been something Deran had wanted to hear. Adrian had been lucky that the bottle had smashed far enough away that he didn’t get any shards buried in his body.

“Adrian?” Deran asked, snapping him out of his memory to find Deran standing directly in front of him, a worried frown on his face. “Everything okay?”

“Yes,” Adrian answered in nothing more than a whisper, breathless with relief. Then, voice stronger, he repeated, “Yeah, I’m fine. It just turns out that Jake can be an even bigger mother hen than Steve. I honestly didn’t think that was possible.”

“He calls to make sure I didn’t hurt you.” It wasn’t even a question, but Adrian nodded anyway. Deran nodded back, eyes alight with annoyed amusement. “And you still want to tell me he doesn’t wait for his chance to get back together with you?”

“You are not serious, are you?” Adrian groaned with amused exasperation. Deran would never stop, would he? He would always see Jake as competition instead of the good friend that he really was.

A knock at the door stopped whatever Deran wanted to answer.

“That must be J,” Adrian guessed and called past Deran’s shoulder, “Come in!”

“Not if you’re having sex, I’m not,” he heard J’s answering shout. “I walked in on you guys once, I don’t need a repeat.”

“Don’t be such a baby and come in, we’re decent,” Deran called out, sounding less than happy about the reminder of what happened in the public restroom. Adrian wasn’t either, but the memories hadn’t made him flinch in a long time. 

Adrian heard how J opened the door and a moment later he peered cautiously into the kitchen. His shoulders relaxed when he saw Adrian and Deran standing fully clothed at the counter. “You weren’t gearing up for sex, were you?”

Deran rolled his eyes. “Honestly, is there nothing else you can think of?”

“He’s a teenager, what do you expect?” Adrian quipped, just enjoying Deran and J actually acting like family and not like enemies. This had taken its sweet time, just as well as every other development around here had, but it was worth it just the same.

“Hey!” J protested loudly, but his voice held no heat. 

Deran rolled his eyes at Adrian and turned around to his nephew. “Let’s go, those waves won’t ride themselves!”

Turning back to Adrian, he asked, “See you tonight?”

Adrian gave him a thumbs up and waved Deran and J out of his flat, leaving them to their bickering. 

With a sigh he settled down in the chair Deran had vacated. Instead of going surfing with Deran and J, he wanted to give them the opportunity to bond some more, while he went through the information he had amassed on the possibilities to study marine biology in San Diego and Long Beach. He knew he wouldn’t surf forever, so he chose to take a look at those options now, even if he didn’t think he would start anytime soon. But if he did, then San Diego and Long Beach were his first two choices, cause they were near enough that he could keep the shop. Reducing his hours, sure, but not quitting entirely. 

Adrian had just picked up a brochure about the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, when his phone started ringing again. Did Jake still worry about Deran? Mimicking Deran’s eye roll, Adrian went to answer the phone, though the name on the screen gave him a short, surprised pause.

“Steve, hi,” Adrian greeted his friend. “How are you?”

“I would feel better in Cedar Peak,” Steve grumbled at the other end of the line.

Adrian frowned, losing the smile he had sported before as worry bubbled up inside. “Where are you?”

“In Morro Bay.” Steve really didn’t sound happy.

“You’re visiting Leilani and Ryan.” Adrian couldn’t even call it a guess, his certainty was that absolute. As was the relief. “Did you make it a family holiday?”

“Yeah,” Steve answered. “I brought Sharon and Nadja along. By the way, it is exactly as I had feared. Nadja is a mini version of you when it comes to the ocean. We barely get her out of the water to eat and sleep.”

“Maybe you should move to Morro Bay, too,” Adrian suggested with a laugh. 

“Nope, never gonna happen,” Steve protested. “I’m calling for another reason anyway.”

“And what would that be?” Adrian wanted to know.

Steve answered with another question. “Has Ryan already told you?”

Adrian’s first instinct was to shoot back “told me what?” but when he thought back to the last time he had talked to Ryan, the answer was obvious.

“Yeah, he told me,” Adrian finally said out loud.

“And you’re okay with it?” Steve dug deeper. “With Ryan selling the Eagle’s Nest?”

“I don’t see how I have anything to do with it,” Adrian protested. “I sold my half of the house to Ryan ages ago.” Otherwise he would have never gotten enough money together to open up the surf shop in Oceanside. 

“But you have also grown up there. It’s your home, too.”

Steve had a point, of course, but Adrian was more amused about how Ryan’s and Steve’s thoughts ran on the exact same tracks.

“Funny, I already had this talk with Ryan. And I will tell you what I told him. It’s his choice and I think he is happy in Morro Bay, with Leilani by his side. And I am happy for him.”

“You know,” Steve sighed, “sometimes I wonder who of you two really is the older brother.”

Adrian smiled, but then he remembered. “And now spill it, why are you really calling?”

“Because Ryan is selling the Eagle’s Nest.”

“Yeah, so?” Adrian frowned. Was Steve playing mother hen again, just checking that Adrian was okay with it or was there another reason? 

After letting out an explosive breath, Steve finally told him, “I want to buy it.”

Adrian felt as if his smile stretched far wider than his face allowed. “Really?”

“Yeah, now that Nadja has discovered her addiction to water, I think we need a house with a pool,” Steve explained, a fond smile in his voice. “And it’s nicely out of the way when there are any fireworks in town.”

“That’s a great idea!” Adrian grinned, incredibly happy for Ryan and Steve.

After he ended the call a short while later, Adrian flung the brochures to the side. He couldn’t concentrate on information about college courses, his thoughts still on Ryan, Steve, Morro Bay and Cedar Peak. In just a few weeks so much had changed, Adrian had difficulties to wrap his mind around most of it. 

Shaking his head he picked up some papers Ed had given him, his mind slowly returning to surfing, to competing. Adrian was lucky. In Ed he had found a partner who not only tolerated his addiction to surfing, but endorsed it, too, telling him, “Going to the Ugly is all well and good, but you need more to get your name out there. You’ll need a lot more if you want to take part in the Men’s World Championship.”

While Adrian certainly had an eye on doing the World Tour, it wouldn’t be this year for sure. And all the information Ed had gotten him, he could have looked up online as well. But if Ed had taken the time to put all of this together, then Adrian could damn well take the time to heed his partner’s efforts. 

It didn’t take long and Adrian was completely engrossed in which events were planned for next year, calculating in his head if he could afford to take part in all of them. The answer was, he couldn’t. He had to save a lot more and win a lot more competitions to get enough money together to see the whole tour through. Or he needed a sponsor. 

Only when it had gotten too dark to read and he had to turn on the lights, Adrian emerged from the ocean of information he found himself happily drowning in. Reaching out an arm to hit the light switch, Adrian’s thoughts wandered back to when Ed had handed him the papers, telling him how glad he was to have his partner back.

“How close have you been to giving up?” Ed had asked.

Adrian, who had not expected such a point blank question, had just replied with surprised honesty. “Close.”

Ed had nodded at that as if he was fully aware why Adrian had left and that he had thought about leaving Oceanside for good. For all Adrian knew, Ed might have guessed, because the first thing he had told Adrian when he had come back, had been about Deran Cody looking for him. Ed had sounded faintly worried, but Adrian had quickly reassured him that he had already talked to Deran. 

With his thoughts back on Deran, Adrian had just enough time to wonder when Deran would come back, when someone hammered with enough force against his door that he half expected it to explode into a million tiny splinters. 

“It’s open,” Adrian contemplated to call out to the visitor, but instead he stayed silent. Slowly he got up from his chair, while he tried to remember the basics from his self defense classes. Like hell he would be as unprepared as he had been against Mick ever again. Knowing how to shoot wouldn’t help him without a gun and he still wouldn’t get one either, but knowing how to counter an attack might ensure his survival in the future. 

Adrian only came as far as stepping out of the kitchen, when Deran skidded to a halt in front of him. He was trembling from head to toe and white as a sheet, not moving another inch as soon as he caught sight of Adrian, his eyes drinking him in as if he couldn’t quite believe that Adrian was really standing right there.

“Holy shit, Deran,” Adrian exclaimed, his heart racing as he noticed the alarming state Deran was in. “What the fuck happened? Did Craig get shot again?”

That was enough to bring Deran out of his stupor, although he only reacted with a shrewd look, still not speaking.

“What? You think I didn’t notice what was going on back then?” Adrian asked, pretty sure he interpreted Deran’s glance correctly. “I am neither blind nor stupid.”

Deran nodded. “I know,” he rasped out, then added with a scratchy voice, “Craig’s alright. Everyone else is as well.”

“Then what…” Adrian didn’t get any further with his question, finding himself clutched in a desperate embrace, with Deran kissing him even more desperately. He had no time to react before Deran pulled away again. After a long moment of Adrian feeling as if Deran wanted to just stare at him forever, Deran told him, “I came out to Smurf today. She hadn’t known. Adrian, the look on her face…”

When Deran trailed off, he hid his face in Adrian’s neck and pulled Adrian even closer, tightening his hold on him as if he was afraid he could vanish any second.

For several seconds Adrian didn’t understand what Deran had just told him, didn’t grasp the full meaning behind the words Deran had choked out. When it finally clicked, he returned the embrace tenfold, holding tightly onto Deran, who was still shaking hard enough to sway them both on their feet.

“Stay here tonight,” Adrian whispered, not sure if he was asking or offering or if he should break the silence in the first place. 

Deran just nodded against his neck, his hands tightening almost painfully on Adrian’s hips. “I can’t go home. And I can’t go back to _her_.”

~AD~

Deran shot out of the nightmare he just had with a stifled gasp and looked frantically around. As his heart beat slowly returned to normal, he shook his head at himself. This particular dream had been haunting him every few nights without warning. And it was all Ryan’s fault. Ryan and his damn shovel talk.

On the night before Deran had wanted to go back to Oceanside with Adrian and Craig, Ryan had cornered him while he was packing, closing the door behind him and ensuring them some privacy.

“I can’t say that I’m happy with Adrian’s decision, but I have to trust that he knows you, that he knows what he’s doing.” Ryan had paused for a moment, just to add a second later, “When I called you an abusive asshole, I meant it.”

Deran had frozen. How the hell could Ryan know? And since when?

“You know,” Deran had finally gotten out. 

“Of course I know,” Ryan had snorted - in the exact same way that Adrian would. “I’m neither blind nor stupid. And remember, not only do I have a PhD in psychology, I also know Adrian and his tells. It wasn’t hard to figure out considering how you two act around each other.” 

“Then why didn’t you… I don’t know, keep us as far away from each other as you could?” Deran had demanded to know, thoughts in utter turmoil. If Ryan had known all along that Deran had been responsible for Adrian coming here, then why hadn’t he demanded that Deran stayed away? Why had he invited Deran and Craig into his home, in the closest vicinity to Adrian as possible?

“I have seen how you behave around Adrian and I have seen him reacting to you. I figured you have come here to make amends. And yeah, I have to admit, I wanted you in my sights so if you came at Adrian, I could be there straight away to help him,” Ryan had answered, crossing his arms in front of his chest and leaning back against the door. “But it seems you have done something right, cause Adrian wouldn’t have forgiven you otherwise.”

Deran had long since stopped packing, crossing his arms in front of his chest as well. The oceans would dry up before he let anyone threaten him into staying away from Adrian. Not now, not when they were finally starting to work things out as they should be. 

“Now what?” Deran had asked, not sure he really wanted to know the answer.

“That’s entirely up to you,” Ryan had replied, uncrossing his arms. “I still think it’s too soon that you rekindle your relationship. He still hasn’t healed enough and you don’t really have your jealousy issues under control, have you? While I trust that you don’t want to hurt him - I wouldn’t have asked for your help when Mick had attacked, if I didn’t - I don’t trust that you won’t. Not after the shit you have already pulled,” Ryan had stopped for a moment and taken a step closer to Deran. Then he had continued, “So be assured, if Adrian comes here again in the middle of the night, running away from you or if I hear that you’ve hurt him one more time, I swear I will hunt you down. I will forget all my hard won pacifist tendencies and remember all of my military training. I promise, they will never find your body.”

And now Deran dreamed of Ryan clobbering him to death with his prosthetic while a beaten up Adrian looked on with cold eyes.

Fucking fantastic.

He didn’t know what was worse, the dreams in which Smurf took a lead role or the ones with Ryan.

Deran groaned and snatched up his phone. After a long look at the time and an even longer look at Adrian’s name in the contact list, he finally touched the call button. _Screw it._

It took so long for Adrian to answer, that Deran almost hung up again.

“Hello?” Adrian’s voice was thick with sleep when he finally picked up. Deran had no problems picturing him, how he lay across the bed, hair sticking in all directions, eyes opened to two tiny slits and gaze a lot softer than it probably wanted to be. The vision caused a part of Deran to twitch with interest and he reached down to leisurely stroke himself.

It also made Deran smile through his answer, Ryan already forgotten. “Hey Adrian. How are you?”

There was a muffled groan on the other end of the line, then Adrian replied. “I was fine until a few seconds ago. You know, deeply asleep as is usual at this time of night. And then I got this call. Is it important?”

“No,” Deran answered, grinning at Adrian’s grumpiness, his hand never ceasing its motions. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

He had expected an exasperated reiteration of “At this time of night?” But it didn’t come. Something had given him away, because next thing he knew, Adrian sounded a lot more alert when he asked, “Is everything okay? You know you can come over, right? Just don’t expect me to answer the door, I’m staying right here, in bed. But you can come through the window, it’s open. You know which one.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry,” Deran said, trying not to sound too breathless. How was it possible that Adrian could seem so close and yet untouchable? “I’ll let you get back to your beauty sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You mean today,” Adrian corrected through a yawn.

Deran grinned. “You are right. I’ll see you later.”

After hanging up, Deran stroked himself to completion, climaxing with Adrian’s name on his lips. When he fell asleep again, he didn’t dream.

Just a few hours later, Deran packed his car and picked up Craig who had wanted to tag along for a bit of surfing.

Deran spared a glance at his brother, who drummed with his fingers against the glove compartment and sang “Highway to Hell” at the top of his lungs. If Craig was too high to surf, it was going to be a fun day. Yet even the possibility of having to haul Craig’s half-drowning ass out of the ocean couldn’t bring Deran’s mood down. Nothing could.

In only a few minutes he would see Adrian again. That already made up for a lot of things, like the hassle he had with the contractors this morning. Last minute bumps on his road to independence.

When Deran stopped the car, Craig interrupted his drumming to lean over and look him up and down. “Dude, you look like a lovesick puppy!”

“Shut up, Craig,” Deran growled, while opening the door and getting out of the truck.

His brother followed him to the back of the car to get their boards, chuckling all the way.

With the boards under their arms they made their way to the beach. Deran scanned the surf for Adrian’s familiar shape without success. After half an eternity, he finally discovered his boyfriend near the shore line, just as Craig slapped his arm and tugged him towards Adrian and the little group of surfers who stood in a half circle facing the ocean. Deran recognized a few faces, frowning at how all of them looked deeply troubled.

“Oh look, there’s Adrian,” Craig unnecessarily pointed out.

Adrian stood in the middle of the half circle and Deran’s frown deepened at the unhappy look on his boyfriend’s face. A small growl escaped him when he noticed a handsome guy standing next to Adrian, one hand lying on his shoulder, which Adrian didn’t even seem to notice.

Deran had to remind himself that he would not stay in Adrian’s good graces if he just walked over and knocked the stranger out. But he was officially Adrian’s boyfriend now, which meant he could go over there, pull Adrian into a kiss that would make him forget everyone else around, all the while staring the stranger down, staking his claim.

Sure, he had needed time to get used to being out, but it had been worth it and not as bad as he thought it would be. Considering that the ones he was most afraid to come out to had known already anyway, had made everything a lot easier. At least his brothers had already known. And coming out to Smurf? Well, okay, that had been the exact nightmare that Deran had feared it would be. But seeing the light return to Adrian’s eyes, to see him laugh more, his smile actually reaching his eyes and him not shying away from Deran? Yeah, definitely worth it.

With the plan of kissing Adrian senseless firmly in mind, Deran shook off Craig’s hand and stalked towards Adrian, only to come to an abrupt stop when he reached the half circle. He finally saw that the guys and girls gathered there didn’t stand around just to talk about some serious topic, but that they all stared down on what lay at their feet. A surfboard, almost torn in two, with a distinctive bite mark on one side. 

“Oh shit.” Craig came to a halt next to him, saying out loud what Deran thought.

Yeah, they all knew what a board after a shark attack looked like.

Even worse, Deran knew exactly whose board it was, the coloring unique.

“Adrian?” His eyes roamed frantically over Adrian’s body. That he stood in front of Deran looking unharmed was a pretty good give away that he had been damn lucky.

Adrian’s suit didn’t show any signs of rips or tears and Deran could see no blood whatsoever. Only the cord connecting Adrian’s foot to his board had been torn apart. No, not torn. Cut. Adrian still held his surfer’s knife clenched in one hand.

He finally lifted his gaze from the destroyed board to Deran. 

“The great white took a bite from my board just as I popped up, then lost interest. I’m fine,” he answered the question, but even if he looked physically unharmed, he seemed far from fine.

“But your board is not, dude,” Craig threw in the obvious.

Adrian shook his head, his voice coming out oddly lifeless. “No, it really isn’t.”

Deran remembered that vacant expression that Adrian sported only too well. He had sometimes looked like this when Deran had visited him, somewhere between Deran threatening Dave and Adrian fleeing to Cedar Peak.

For a moment, Deran wondered if he should kiss Adrian out of his lost thoughts, but with a look at all the people gathered around, he decided against it.

Instead, Deran framed Adrian’s face with his hands and brought their foreheads together.

“Don’t.”

He wasn’t sure how many don’ts he wanted to convey or how many of them Adrian would understand.

_Don’t space out like this, it’s scaring me._

_Don’t shut me out. It’s scaring me even more._

Those were only the first ones that came to mind.

Adrian had assured Deran that he had never gone too far, never had done anything that was beyond repair. But looking back, remembering Adrian’s vacant expression sometimes when he had taken him, left him to wonder. And he didn’t like the conclusions he drew. Not one fucking bit.

While Adrian had been all too pliant those nights, his mind had been far away, shutting everything and everyone around him out. While Deran might have had Adrian’s body again and again, he had never had all of Adrian. 

Except back in Belize. 

Except _now_.

Adrian’s gaze snapped to Deran’s, eyes clear but confused. Deran couldn’t help but feel relief. Even if Adrian first tensed up in surprise, he just as quickly relaxed as soon as he recognized Deran. He leaned into Deran’s hold for a moment, then his gaze wandered back to his broken board as if drawn there by an invisible force.

“We will fix this,” Deran wanted to promise. “We fixed our relationship, too.”

But he stayed quiet and just kept his hold on Adrian. As always.

He followed Adrian’s gaze down to his board and finally it clicked why Adrian was this shaken. It wasn’t because of his encounter with a great white, not because of the resulting near death experience. They all had their fair share of those. No, of all things possible that left Adrian this devastated, it was the loss of his most valuable surf board, the one a firm had sponsored as second prize for one of the competitions at the Marine Mammal Surf Festival.

Deran knew that Adrian neither had the money nor the materials at his own shop to get a new board of this quality any time soon.

To say it with Craig’s words: _Oh shit._

~AD~

“I have a surprise for you.”

Adrian looked up from the board he had just finished sanding and polishing, done with work for the day.

Deran stood in the doorway, shifting on his feet, looking nailbitingly nervous.

“Sorry, what?” Adrian asked, sure he had misheard him.

“I have a surprise for you,” Deran repeated. “You’re done here, right? Come on, I want to show you.”

“Okay,” Adrian readily agreed and joined Deran at the door. He followed him to his car and got in when Deran gestured impatiently.

The last time Deran had said that he had a surprise for him, he had presented Adrian with a new board, almost an exact copy of the one he had lost in the shark attack. 

Deran had preceded the surprise with the words, “I promise, it was all legal.”

That had been the most Deran had ever hinted at that he was involved in criminal activities. Officially Adrian still didn’t know anything about that, but he wasn’t stupid and he had been around long enough to know what was going on.

When Adrian had seen the board, he had nearly lost it. If he had been holding that damn thing, he probably would have whacked Deran with it.

“Holy shit, Deran. A board like this costs a damn fortune.”

Deran had just shrugged. “Yeah well, I can afford it.” The you are worth it unspoken, but still heavily implied.

Adrian in turn had just shaken his head, unable to hide the smile that so desperately wanted to escape. “You don’t have to keep saying you’re sorry.” Because that’s what it really was, wasn’t it?

“I want to do this for you. Let me,” Deran had insisted with an almost dismissive shrug that Adrian could see right through. So he had accepted the answer. He hadn’t wanted to push Deran when he had been clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Considering they had been alone in the shop, away from prying eyes, Adrian hadn’t had any qualms to walk up to Deran instead and pull him into a fierce kiss. He hadn’t thought a simple thank you would have been enough to convey the gratitude he had felt.

Deran had responded eagerly, his hands wandering from Adrian’s shoulders down his arms to land briefly on his waist before they firmly settled on his ass.

Adrian didn’t know how long they had been locked in that embrace, kiss deepening more and more, before they heard Ed return, effectively stopping whatever their encounter had been leading to.

Back in the present, Deran’s edginess seemed to be contagious because Adrian could feel his stomach twist into some Celtic pattern. He wondered where Deran was taking him and why he was so damn nervous. One thought popped immediately into his head and his internal reaction was something along the lines of “Oh Jesus, please don’t.”

Deran had taken to mysteriously vanishing every few nights for the past few weeks. Adrian hadn’t asked where Deran went, sure he didn’t want to know the answer. Maybe he was even a bit afraid of it.

He certainly didn’t want to know if Deran still hooked up with various women. While he had been barely able to close his eyes to it before, now it would hurt just too damn much.

When they stopped in front of the Drop Adrian felt his skin crawling with apprehension. Still he got out of the car and followed Deran to the bar. He had heard that the Drop would have its big opening tonight but he had no idea why Deran would be nervous about dragging him here. Unless he was nervous about who was waiting inside. But it didn’t make any sense, Adrian had to admit. Deran had never before kept his hook-ups a secret. Why would he start now and then be nervous about telling Adrian? So it had to be something else. Something to do with Smurf? That would certainly explain the nervous energy pouring out of Deran. Great. Now Adrian was at least as tense as Deran, if not more so. Thinking of encountering Smurf had that effect on him.

Despite the relative early hour the bar was already halfway packed. Opening night seemed to be a success. 

After a long look around, Adrian joined Deran at the counter, which almost ran along one length of the room. The interior reminded him a bit of Grace’s bar, with the pool tables, the dart boards and the stage. He even knew the band playing on stage at the moment. They were locals, who could better surf than play, but they made up for their inexperience with their enthusiasm.

When he arrived at the counter, he just heard Deran say, “Hey Heather, two beers.”

The girl behind the counter, a slender brunette with her hair pulled into a ponytail, was quick to fulfill Deran’s order with an easy smile. “Sure thing, boss.”

Boss?

Adrian accepted the beer from Deran and sat down next to him. 

“I can vaguely remember you telling me that I should do it for myself and not for anyone else,” Deran began, surprising Adrian again. This didn’t necessarily sound as if Deran would introduce a girlfriend or even Smurf into the mix anytime soon. Considering how the bar keeper had called Deran boss, made the pieces slot into place for another picture, even before Deran continued to speak.

“I bought a bar,” Deran blurted out and looked like he wanted to slap himself silly a moment later. 

“You bought a bar,” Adrian wanted to repeat, utterly baffled. Not sure why exactly Deran was telling him this, he instead offered, “Um, okay?”

“I’ve moved to my place permanently. But you know that already, you’ve been over often enough,” Deran said, then he took a deep breath, growling a little, but clearly more at himself than at Adrian, before he tried to explain. “Now that I’ve bought this bar and opened up my own business, I’m finally standing on my own two feet. Smurf has nothing to do with this. And you know she wouldn’t after I… well, after everything. My bar, my decisions, my life. And I want you to be a part of it. So maybe I’m doing this as much for me as I’m doing it for you.”

It sounded almost too good to be true, but Adrian remembered all too well the night Deran had shown up to tell him that he had come out to Smurf. The night Deran had once and for all severed every last tie with her, leaving him floundering for weeks like a puppet with its strings cut. Then he had found something to turn his focus on, something besides Adrian. First Adrian had been relieved not to be the sole center of Deran’s attention anymore. But then he had started to wonder what Deran had been up to all this time. Now he had his answer.

So yes, he believed Deran, had believed him for a long time already or he never would have risked getting back together. 

Adrian fought the sudden urge to kiss Deran. He really wanted to give in, but he doubted that it was such a good idea, especially with all these people around. Even if Adrian had witnessed how Deran had gradually come out of the closet. Well, of course in case of his brothers, the closet had been busted wide open already anyway. And the surfing community hadn’t cared for it one way or the other. To be fair, Deran hadn’t made any big announcements and the majority of them was probably still as oblivious as before. Adrian was sure that otherwise, Deran would have received quite a few offers already.

But just because Deran was out, didn’t mean he suddenly tended to public displays of affection. At least they did meet at Adrian’s or at Deran’s to get it on, where getting it on meant nothing more than kissing, groping and the occasional blow job. Sex hadn’t been an option. Not for Adrian anyway. He needed to be absolutely sure that he could trust Deran not to go abusive asshole on him again, knowing he wouldn’t survive that another time. 

They didn’t meet up in public restrooms anymore either. Mainly because Adrian flat out refused to start anything there and Deran accepted it without question. Probably still feeling guilty because of their last time there.

Hell knew if Deran had gotten his rocks off anywhere else. Adrian had suspected it with Deran vanishing without explanation and not trying to push him into more. Now that he knew that Deran had worked on the Drop these times, he wasn’t so sure. Could it be that Deran had been only with him the whole time? Adrian tried to not get his mind blown at the thought.

So he was still utterly unprepared for Deran reaching out and pulling him into a searing kiss. In a crowded bar. With witnesses all around. It was one thing to do it in Cedar Peak, where almost no one knew Deran, but it was a whole other thing to do something like this here in Oceanside, where most of the surf community knew who Deran was.

Adrian froze in surprise for a second, but caught himself and kissed back before Deran could pull away. He gave back as good as he got, focused only on Deran and nothing else, the people around them vanishing, out of sight, out of mind, until it was just him and Deran.

When they broke apart, it also broke the bubble Adrian had found himself in, the noise of the bar slowly filtering back into his consciousness. He and Deran were both breathing hard, too busy trying to catch their breaths to speak for a moment. 

“Tell me everything,” Adrian finally rasped, winded from the lack of air and the knowledge that Deran had taken another step to free himself of Smurf’s influence. 

Deran’s whole face lit up as he did as Adrian asked. He described the search for the bar and how he found the Drop, how he hired Heather and learned the logistics of keeping a bar up and running. As Adrian had expected, the trip to Cedar’s Peak and the resulting visit to Grace’s bar had inspired Deran to include a stage in the whole set up. While he glossed over how he got the money to buy the bar, Adrian believed him when he said that Smurf had nothing to do with it. No, this was all Deran.

As the night wore on and the bar filled up even more, Deran stepped up and helped behind the counter, serving the customers with an easy confidence as if he had never done anything else in his life. 

Adrian had a hard time to stop watching him until Craig stepped next to him and leaned against the counter. He was twitchy, but his eyes were clear. 

“Is it weird to miss Steve’s cooking?” Craig asked in lieu of a greeting.

“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you are not the first,” Adrian answered with a smile. Steve had always told them that cooking and baking helped him relax. Even if he never did anything fancy, the dishes he made, he had them down to an art form.

Meanwhile, Craig had already reached another topic. “You know you are good for Deran, don’t you?”

Adrian startled, thrown of the tracks by that question, but then he nodded. “I’d like to think so, anyway.”

Craig nodded back and said earnestly, “I hope you can keep it that way.”

And then Craig roped Adrian into a game of darts against Baz and Pope, while he was still trying to figure out if Craig’s words were a genuine wish - or a threat. 

If anyone had told Adrian a few months ago that he would have a great time playing darts with the Cody brothers, he would have recommended the next mental hospital to that person. But here he was, having fun and holding his own against the two older Codys. While Pope’s shots mostly didn’t amount to much despite him staring intensely at the board, Baz calculated his shots and almost always hit where he intended to. 

Craig’s game was okay, but he played with more enthusiasm than experience. But it definitely helped that he wasn’t high. And Adrian? Years of losing against Grace had given him a few pointers on how to play the game, so the rounds won went to both teams equally.

Between games they found themselves at the bar, the loser team downing shots while the winner team got beer. What didn’t help at all was that every time Adrian caught Deran’s gaze, he got sucked right into the open joy combined with the hungry stare directed at him, making him feel hot all over and setting his heart to beat out a staccato rhythm that couldn’t be healthy.

He fleetingly thought that he should probably never mention that he could have kissed Pope when he slammed the door in Smurf’s face before she had a chance to set foot into the bar. Surprisingly, she didn’t try to enter and cause a scene after Pope’s wordless _you are not welcome here_.

“That felt good,” Pope muttered to Adrian. In response, Adrian felt his lips twitch into a smile. Understatement of the century.

~AD~

When Heather nudged Deran, telling him, “He’s next,” he hadn’t expected to come face to face with Dave. He muttered a near silent “shit” under his breath, while Dave looked as surprised and taken aback as Deran felt.

Great. Just what he needed.

Last time Deran had seen Dave, he had told him to stay away from Adrian if he didn’t want to take another midnight swim miles away from the shore. Part of him still wanted to repeat the threat and throw Dave out of the Drop, preferably barring him from ever entering again, keeping him as far away from Adrian as possible.

Another part of him remembered how upset Adrian had been when he had found out about Deran sending Pope after Dave, pale face and red eyes burned into Deran’s memory. Deran remembered all too well the downward spiral that had started even before then, but that had begun to spin out of control through his actions with far more despairing results than he could have imagined. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

“What can I get you?” Deran asked without preamble. Judging by Dave’s surprised expression he seemed to have expected another greeting entirely.

“Beer,” Dave answered nonetheless, his voice not betraying any emotions.

Deran nodded in understanding and went to get the drink, chancing a glance at Adrian who was fist bumping Craig after putting the dart into bull’s eye.

When Deran turned around again, beer in hand, he found that Dave had also noticed Adrian among the crowd.

Deran wanted to tell him that Adrian was far out of Dave’s league, that he should stay the hell away.

Putting the beer down in front of Dave, what actually came out was, “I’m sorry.”

Dave snapped his head around to regard Deran out of eyes filled to the brim with suspicion. “What?”

Deran glanced at Adrian again, watching him watching Pope aiming at the board.

Give me strength, he thought, then answered Dave’s question. “I’m sorry, okay?”

This part hadn’t been easy, but the next he could only get out through gritted teeth. “It’s good to see you up and about. I’m sure Adrian would like to hear from you again.”

Dave’s eyes looked comically round, almost perfect circles, as wide open in surprise as they were. “What?” he asked once more, brows furrowing more with each passing second. “But-”

“Just don’t try anything,” Deran interrupted, still desperately needing to clarify that Adrian was taken. “No need to get your hopes up. He isn’t single anymore.”

Dave mustered him skeptically. “He’s back together with you?”

Deran nodded, but also gave into the urge to confirm it out loud. “Yes.”

For a moment he felt proud. These days he could speak almost as openly as Adrian about his sexuality.

Dave’s reaction pulled him right back onto the ground and smashed him to the floor for good measure. “You blackmailing him again? Threatening his friends so he does as you say?” Dave hissed. “Do you really think just because you force him to say yes that he really wants this? That this is anything else than-”

“I am neither blackmailing him nor am I threatening him in any way. He is here of his own free will,” Deran snapped back, partly enraged that Dave would insinuate something like this, partly guilty because his accusations hit dangerously close to home. “You are welcome to ask him!”

“May be I will,” Dave shot back and turned around, probably to stalk straight up to Adrian, just to stop dead in his tracks. Deran followed his gaze and didn’t quite know if he should laugh at the irony or just admit that karma was a bitch.

Pope was talking to Adrian, saying something that caused Adrian to raise his eyebrows in surprise and his mouth to twitch into a small smile. It was the most comfortable Deran had Adrian ever seen around Pope.

Looking from Dave to Adrian and back again, Deran finally sighed and decided on, “Adrian is really good at that whole forgiveness thing. At least as long as you actually mean it.”

Dave nodded, almost absentmindedly, and asked, “Did he really not know why he should throw me into the water that far from shore?”

What? Who? Pope, not Adrian. Of course.

Deran shook his head, which Dave couldn’t see as he was still watching Adrian. “No, he didn’t. I just asked him to.”

“Just like that.” Deran couldn’t place the emotion in Dave’s voice, but it was something dark, tinted with resignation and hysterical laughter.

“Yeah. Just like that.” Deran didn’t tell him that they were brothers, that this was something you just do as brothers. He doubted that he would be met with much understanding. But he could tell him this. “Adrian didn’t know until it was too late.”

“I figured as much,” Dave answered. “He probably only realized in the hospital, when I told him what had happened. I could see the color drain from his face and wanted to ask him what he knew.”

“But you didn’t.” Deran didn’t phrase it as a question. He wondered what Adrian would have told Dave if asked point blank. The truth, knowing he would drag Dave into Cody business and all the hazards that came with it? A bunch of lies to ensure Dave’s safety?

“No, I didn’t,” Dave conceded anyway. “I was afraid of the answer.”

“You have your answer now. Adrian isn’t to blame for anything that happened.”

“I know. I’ve known for a while. Question is, why are you telling me this?”

Deran took a deep breath. How to explain his change of heart without sounding less than sincere? “Because you guys are good friends. Or at least, you could be again, given half a chance. I have made my share of mistakes before. Now I don’t look to repeat them. And you know Adrian. Losing your friendship, even if it was to protect you, has hurt him. I won’t stand in your way if you decide that Adrian is worth that friendship. And we both know he is. But, just to be clear, I will stand in the way like a fucking brick wall if you decide to try more than that.”

Dave shook his head. “I’ve tried to come between you two once. I know I can count myself lucky that I survived. That is a mistake I won’t repeat. But you are right, I won’t throw his friendship away. I’ll be there for him.”

Deran could hear the unspoken words almost as clearly as if Dave had actually said them out loud. _If you fuck up, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces._

No problem, Deran would just have to see to it that he wouldn’t fuck up. As easy as surfing Mavericks.

~AD~

After closing time, they helped Deran to roughly bring the place back in order. How Adrian went from putting away glasses to his back hitting one of the shelves in Deran’s office, with Deran’s tongue stuck down his throat, Adrian had no idea, but he certainly didn’t complain. This was what the whole evening had built up to. When Deran pulled back, Adrian tried to catch his breath, shaky with anticipation.

The kiss had ignited a spark that Adrian found hard to ignore. It felt as if his whole skin was burning. After gulping in enough air to speak, he leaned close to Deran and said, “Let’s go.”

Deran pulled back a little, just enough so Adrian could see surprise and hurt warring across his features. Almost as if he feared that Adrian wouldn’t like what he had done, would think he had gone too far.

“You want to leave already?” he asked, voice scratchy.

Reminding himself to be brave, he cradled Deran’s face in his hands and leaned in for another kiss. Deran didn’t jerk back or shove him away. No, his hands wandered to Adrian’s hips and pulled him away from the shelf, pulled him closer until there was hardly any space left between them, their kiss taking a desperate turn.

When they broke apart this time, Adrian chased Deran’s mouth for a second, then tilted his head to whisper into his boyfriend’s ear. 

“Let’s go to my place,” he clarified, putting all the invitation he could into his voice.

For a second the grip on his hips tightened beyond the level of being comfortable, then Deran kissed him again. 

Adrian managed to glance at Deran’s face just before their lips met and his eyes slid closed of their own accord. The wonder, the desire, no, the sheer hunger in his eyes made Adrian shudder. 

“Get a room!” A familiar voice hollered. 

Deran pulled back, rolled his eyes and grinned, while grabbing Adrian’s wrist and tugging him further away from the shelf and out of the door.

“Already working on it,” Deran answered Craig, who gave them a thumbs up as they hurried past him. Adrian had just enough time to exchange a wide-eyed smile with him. Then they passed Baz and Pope who nodded at them while appearing absolutely unsurprised that they were in a hurry to leave. Deran nodded back, Adrian doing the same, still following him willingly towards the door.

But outside the bar he had to stop for a moment, a terrifying thought crashing into him, bringing him to a stumbling halt. “Oh crap.”

Deran turned around, looking at him with impatience and worry, his hand sliding from Adrian’s wrist to his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “What?”

“I’m gonna get the shovel talk from your brothers, aren’t I?”

He had already survived Craig. He might survive Baz. Barely. But Pope? Not a chance.

“Are you kidding me?” Deran asked, his other hand also landing on Adrian’s shoulder. “They actually gave me the shovel talk not to hurt you!”

For a moment, Adrian was this close to throw the “are you kidding me” back into Deran’s face, but one look at him convinced him that his boyfriend was telling the truth.

Scary.

Deran didn’t leave him any time to ponder that thought or freak out about it, pushing him until his back hit the wall of the bar. Deran’s hands slid down his arms and around his wrists, then he pushed them above his head. Adrian wasn’t worried. Nowadays he was certain he could break Deran’s grip with the slightest of tugs, but at the moment he had no reason to try. No reason at all. 

When Deran leaned in for another kiss, Adrian’s heart started hammering in excitement. But just before their lips met, several voices cut the movement short.

“Are we interrupting anything?” Baz.

“I thought I told you to get a room.” Craig.

“That can’t be sanitary.” Pope.

What the hell? Adrian briefly closed his eyes, thinking, _fuck my life_.

Deran turned his head to his brothers with a growl, otherwise not moving an inch.

Adrian’s heart picked up hammering against his chest again, but this time for another reason, taking in the other Codys staring them down.

Baz seemed merely curious, while Pope looked like always, ready to do something scary at a moment’s notice and Craig… why the hell did the big guy look so worried?

Even if Deran didn’t do anything, Adrian was still painfully aware of his own vulnerable position. It was high time to test his theory of getting out of Deran’s hold. He tugged his wrists slightly down and Deran’s hands immediately fell away to settle on Adrian’s hips instead.

With his arms now free again, Adrian wondered for a second what to do with them, before laying his hands on Deran’s arms, just resting them there, not pushing Deran away.

He didn’t know what was more unsettling, Deran’s brothers practically walking in on them dry humping or Deran not giving a flying fuck about it.

In essence this was exactly the same situation as in the public restroom back then, but Deran’s reaction was profoundly different.

Scratch that, he knew what unsettled him the most. As soon as Deran released his grip on Adrian’s wrists, Pope eased his stance and the worry fell from Craig’s face as if it had never been there. Only Baz didn’t react to the scene changing in front of him.

Adrian shifted on his feet, pushing into Deran’s space, not that he had far to go for that, and told him quietly, “Let’s leave. Now.” Before anything even more terrifying could happen.

“Yeah,” Deran growled back just as quietly. “Okay.”

He released his hold on Adrian completely, stepping back and giving Adrian room to ease away from the wall. Then Deran stalked past his brothers in the direction of his car, making sure that he was at all times between them and Adrian. 

“Where the hell do you think you are going?” Craig asked them, the worry back as he watched Deran’s antics and in that moment Adrian could actually see him giving Deran the shovel talk. He didn’t even try to fight the surge of affection he felt for the big lug. Really, after Deran Craig was his favorite Cody.

“We are going to get that room now,” he answered Craig with the straightest face he could muster. 

Next to him Deran snorted. “About damn time.”

Pope nodded seriously. “Better take your business to a bed than a back alley.”

Only Pope.

“Yeah, well, have fun, we’ll keep an eye on the bar,” Baz offered, already turning to head back inside. After a long look at Deran and Adrian, Pope followed him.

“You are not getting free drinks,” Deran called after them. 

“Aw, man, come on, we are your brothers,” Craig shot back, winking at Adrian who contemplated to lean on Deran, now that the tension was leaking out of his body, leaving his legs weak and wobbly.

The ride to his apartment had never felt so long. Adrian itched to move, to touch, to kiss. Instead, he squirmed in his seat, trying to be patient when he wanted to be anything but. When Deran’s hand landed on his leg, it didn’t do much to calm Adrian down. Quite the contrary, his pulse spiked, his blood rushed south and he prayed for the ride to be over soon.

The second they arrived, they both shot out of the car as if catapulted out of their seats. They barely made it through the door before ripping their clothes off. Between kisses and shoving each other in the direction of the bedroom, Adrian had barely time to breathe. But air was overrated anyway. What he needed right now was this, just the two of them and the bed for the whole night.

Finally they stopped in front of the bed, both of them completely naked by now. 

Adrian let his eyes roam freely over Deran’s sculpted body, over each and every tattoo, down to the dark treasure trail and back up to his eyes.

Deran stared at him with that intent expression in his eyes, that told Adrian he wanted to take, take, take. 

But Deran simply said, “Please.” And then he just kissed Adrian again.

This time, there were no demands, no trying to enforce what he wanted. Only this one word, leaving Adrian with all the options.

And for the first time in months, Adrian completely and wholeheartedly surrendered.

When Deran whispered “mine” into Adrian’s skin, it still held the familiar possessive edge, but it lacked the danger that had been there before.

Later Adrian woke up in the middle of the night, feeling sore all over and deeply satisfied. He had known about Deran’s stamina for as long as they had been together, but this night Deran had outdone himself. It had seemed as if he had desperately wanted to make up for lost time. 

Adrian tried to stretch, but found his movement severely hampered by Deran, who lay draped over his back, arms around him, murmuring incomprehensible words into his neck, their legs tangled hopelessly together. So Deran was playing octopus. Again.

“Why am I the little spoon?” Adrian contemplated.

Deran’s answer was barely louder than a whisper. “Need to protect you.”

Damn, did Deran have nightmares about Mick as well? Adrian frowned and tried to turn around, but Deran just tightened his hold on him. He held Adrian almost too tight, one arm slung possessively around his middle, one hand placed directly over his heart, as if he needed the reassurance that Adrian was alive. 

“Protect me from what?” Adrian asked.

Deran mumbled seriously, “The world.”

“That’s a lot to protect me from,” Adrian pondered, biting his lip so he wouldn’t laugh out loud and startle Deran into full consciousness. 

He felt Deran nod against his neck. “Hell yeah, I have my work cut out for me.”

Conversations with a half-asleep Deran were the funniest thing. Adrian smiled to himself and settled into a more comfortable position, sleep claiming him fast.

~AD~

When Deran woke up, it was to the sight of a wide expanse of familiar, freckled skin. With a smile he buried his head back in Adrian’s neck, the other surfer’s hair briefly tickling his nose. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt at peace with himself and the whole world.

Then Adrian started to move, clearly gearing up for leaving the bed. Deran reflexively tightened his hold on him. 

“Deran, I need to go,” Adrian mumbled, not sounding all too awake. Deran interrupted him with a near desperate “Don’t!” that he wanted to punch himself for. But he wouldn’t let them reverse their roles, wouldn’t let Adrian flee in the morning.

“To the bathroom, Deran,” Adrian clarified. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

The fond exasperation in Adrian’s voice would have raised Deran’s hackles months before, but now he just basked in the warm smile Adrian offered when he turned around. Then Adrian leaned down and kissed him, long and filthy, filled with everything a good morning kiss needed to be, sending Deran’s slowly calming pulse racing once again.

“Join me in a minute?”

And how could Deran refuse an offer like that?

After watching Adrian’s backside as he left the room, Deran waited until he heard the shower start. Then he left the bed and padded into the bathroom stark naked as he was. 

Adrian already stood in the small shower stall, sun tanned skin shimmering from the water that rained down on him. With two steps Deran crossed the bathroom and joined Adrian, pressing his body against the tiles. For a moment, they stayed just like this, staring at each other, breath hitching when their bodies touched. Then Adrian’s lips quirked up into the slightest of smiles, while his eyes offered the only invitation Deran needed to cup Adrian’s head with both hands to hold him in place and to kiss him as if it was their last chance. The kiss started out ferocious, their tongues battling for control. Once Adrian surrendered to Deran, the kiss lost its urgency, but never its intensity. Deran’s hands slid from Adrian’s face to start roaming across his body, trying to commit every plane, every curve to memory.

When the need for air became too overwhelming, Deran broke the kiss, trying to get his breathing under control. This wasn’t enough. He needed more. His hands landed on Adrian’s hips and he started to trail kisses down Adrian’s throat, his chest, his navel while sliding down to his knees until his head was level with Adrian’s dick, where he continued his trail of kisses right to its tip. He looked up at Adrian and grabbed the base of Adrian’s cock. With a smirk as the only warning, he tightened his grip on Adrian’s hip with the other hand and took Adrian’s length into his mouth.

Adrian made a surprised sound in the back of his throat, while his hips jerked forwards, straining against the hold. Deran would have grinned wide and proud, but instead he got to work, his head bobbing up and down, making Adrian squirm. It didn’t take long for Deran to feel Adrian go hard, his hands gripping desperately at Deran’s shoulders. Deran felt as if the touch burned his skin, leaving a permanent mark there. Proof that Adrian was here, had chosen him. Him and no one else.

The rush of desire shooting through Deran would have sent him to his knees, if he hadn’t been there already. Instead, he pulled away and the noise of loss Adrian made, sounded a bit desperate, but quickly changed to a surprised gasp as Deran shot up and whirled Adrian around.

He grabbed the lube and got his finger coated with a liberal amount. With a smirk on his face and rising heat in his belly, he focused back on Adrian.

“Deran,” whatever Adrian wanted to say turned into a moan instead and he pushed backwards, right into the path of Deran’s finger that lazily circled Adrian’s entrance, teasing him with what was to come. Then he pushed in. Carefully. Slowly. 

“Deran!” His name escaped Adrian’s mouth as not much more than a throaty growl. Apparently he went too slow for Adrian, because he tried to lean back, tried to deepen the penetration. 

Shaking his head, Deran placed his other hand back on Adrian’s hip and marveled how well it fit there, Adrian’s skin warm and inviting underneath his finger tips. He leaned in with another shiver of desire racing through his body, crowding Adrian against the wall and inserting a second finger in the same moment. 

Adrian’s feet slid further apart, while Deran took his time to open him up with scissoring motions, crooking his fingers and grinning when Adrian jumped with another moan. 

“You are torturing me here,” Adrian grumbled. He didn’t sound put out, voice instead rather breathless, so Deran didn’t worry. He just continued until he thought Adrian was stretched enough. Only then did he pull his fingers out and rushed to coat his own length with lube, barely able to contain his excitement.

Then he slid one hand around Adrian to grip his hard-on.

“I’m just getting started,” he promised Adrian as he finally, finally entered him.

This time, they both moaned, the sensations nearly overwhelming. 

Deran pushed himself in to the hilt and then he stopped. He needed to give Adrian time to adjust, but it was nearly impossible to hold still. His legs, no, his whole body shook with anticipation and barely contained passion. 

“Deran, move,” Adrian bit out, the syllables trembling just as much as Deran did. He didn’t need to be told twice. Pulling almost all the way out, he slammed back in and started thrusting, slowly at first, but steadily gaining speed.

Adrian met each of his thrusts with a backwards motion and it didn’t take long for them to find their rhythm. 

Deran started stroking Adrian off. He didn’t stop until Adrian’s fingers started to helplessly scrabble along the tiles and he finally came, clenching down around Deran, almost causing him to come as well. Only then Deran gripped Adrian’s other hip and sped up his thrusts even further. He soon lost any rhythm he had established before and when he felt his climax built, he bit down on Adrian’s neck, not hard enough to break skin, but enough to leave a hickey. Pressing soothing, open mouthed kisses to the bite, he rode out his high, fingers clenching around Adrian’s hips.

When they stumbled out of the tiny bathroom much later, Deran fully registered the hickey he had left on Adrian’s neck and the hand-shaped bruises that peeked out from underneath the towel Adrian had slung around his waist.

As if feeling his stare, Adrian turned away from hovering in front of his nightstand to ask, “What?”

“I’m sorry,” Deran said. He had tried the whole time not to hurt Adrian again, but given the opportunity, no, the clear invitation to take, he just hadn’t been able to hold back. And now this.  
Deran’s stomach clenched up in worry.  
Adrian just reacted with a surprised frown. “What the hell for?” He asked, confusion dancing along every syllable.

Reluctantly Deran nodded to Adrian’s waist. “I, uh, might have gotten a bit carried away.”

Adrian looked down. 

He stared at the bruises for a while. 

Then he said, “Oh.”

Not exactly what Deran had hoped for, but so far Adrian wasn’t running from the room screaming, so he booked it as a success. 

“I didn’t even notice,” Adrian finally admitted, looking back up to Deran. He didn’t sound pissed, just matter of fact.

“You don’t mind?” Deran felt the need to clarify. Adrian had told him _no more beatings_ , which Deran had widely translated to _no more bruises_. Had he been wrong?

“You seem to forget that I like it rough,” Adrian answered with a wicked smile that sent Deran’s blood rushing south and his feet moving across the room. Before he fully realized what he was doing, he had already cradled Adrian’s head in his hands and was kissing him as if there was no tomorrow. He felt Adrian’s hands on his hips, pulling him closer. No hesitation, no shying away. Adrian just gave back as good as he got. 

Deran could have stayed hours like this, but in the end the need for air was too great and they had to break apart. 

With a grin, Adrian let his towel fall to the floor and Deran… pounced.

There was no better word for it. One moment, they were standing in front of the bed and in the next, Deran had Adrian on his back beneath him, getting rid of his own towel while kissing Adrian again. Who the hell needed a refractory period anyway? 

He was addicted. Addicted to Adrian’s smile, to the texture of his skin under Deran’s fingers, to each and every freckle, to the feeling of Adrian’s warmth surrounding his lubed up fingers when he slipped them inside one by one and to the sounds Adrian made, every time Deran hit that spot _just_ right, when he slid inside Adrian a minute later. 

Deran slowed down from his initial eager pushing, now rocking slowly, almost leisurely, into Adrian. He was addicted and he didn’t plan to go into rehab anytime soon. Or at all.

Beneath him, Adrian arched up to meet every thrust with his own. His pupils were blown wide with desire, easy to notice, even with his eyes half-way shut.

Deran smiled and leaned down for another kiss, increasing his pace just a little bit. Adrian half laughed, half moaned into the kiss, responding to Deran enthusiastically.

After their second round, Adrian used one of the towels to wipe them clean and then turned back to his nightstand, while Deran watched him through half-lidded eyes, his thoughts on all the things he still wanted to do to Adrian.

“I have a surprise for you.”

Deran sat up, jerked out of his daydreams when Adrian settled in next to him, holding an envelope in his hand, turning it over and over again.

“You gonna ask me to be your plus one to Ryan’s and Leilani’s wedding?” Deran took a wild guess, eying the envelope.

“What?” Adrian’s gaze shot from the envelope to Deran, looking surprised, but then he shook his head, exhaling a breath full of laughter. “No, they are nowhere near wedding plans yet. But when the time comes, you will be my plus one, right?”

“Sure,” Deran shrugged, fighting down his own smile and at least tried to act indifferent. Judging by the amused sparkle in Adrian’s eyes he wasn’t nowhere near as successful as he wanted to be.

Then he noticed how Adrian bit down on his lip, like he sometimes did when he was nervous. That little action always, without a fail, evoked in Deran the urge to kiss him. 

He fought the urge to lean over and just do it, easily recognizing that Adrian wanted to get this business out of the way. Whatever it was about.

“Here,” Adrian said, thrusting the envelope into Deran’s hands. With his curiosity rising by the second, Deran didn’t hesitate to tear the paper apart, staring at the two tickets that fluttered into his lap. He picked them up for closer inspection.

The destination and the names printed on the tickets left him staring down, just barely comprehending what he was reading, hope rising with every breath. 

“I will be competing there and just thought, it would be nice if you could come, too. You know, just the two of us,” Adrian explained. 

After a few seconds of just looking at the tickets, imagination running wild with glee, he noticed Adrian shifting uneasily next to him.

He wanted to tell Adrian that they should take this flight sooner rather than later, but he didn’t get his voice to work, his mind overwhelmed with one single thought:

They were going to Belize!

Instead he didn’t hold back this time. He just turned to his boyfriend and pulled him into a kiss, trying to say with his actions what he might never be able to put into words. 

_Thank you._

_Great idea._

And most importantly, _I love you_.


End file.
